i did it :)

Lunchtime in the Park

was a feast for our BELLIES!

and guess what?! 

im STILL smiling!

Im still kindof in awe and amazement that THIS IS ME.... all these things i have wanted to do but been too scared, i am starting to do. I still have alot on my 'list' but im slowly inching closer to being able to embrace a FULL recovery. These baby steps are giving me the courage to tackle the BIGGER steps and im excited... (still scared as hell) but in a good way - rather than a desperate, helpless way. And ive gotta say im so grateful for all my friends, family and you guys online for all the support and motivation you have given me - i dont think id be able to face this without you all!

So... i have started to tackle the food fears. Next up is the consistant eating of a good amount of cals... no "im stuffed after my KFC - i genuinely dont feel like cooking dinner". i need to adjust my body to eating more in general.THEN theres the biggie - the exercise... which im pleased that i have scaled back alot since i finished work for summer - but its still something that niggles at me. i dont feel comfortable doing nothing and i DO still have a compulsion to go further, harder, longer when i DO walk. Im still making unnecessary journeys to feel like ive been active. And the ED side of me isnt fully satisfied unless there is a set "number" completed - be it 30mins of walking or x amount of stretches. I have a hold on it and i dont think i will be tempted to ADD to what im doing (which is good, cos i am starting to like having "no stretch days" and walking less... i have more time to do FUN stuff!!! But obvs im still very disordered in my thinking... 

I want to get to the stage where i can do something cos i feel like it and stop when i want to or even just pass if i dont feel like it or even if i DO feel like it, but dont have time. cos that would be a step towards normalcy... i want to be able to trust that i dont need exercise to control my day/life/food/health. which at the moment - i do :(

So there you go! definite progress going on over here! but still work to be done... im under no illusions that this will have a quick fix cure. its gonna be long - but ive come to terms with that now. Im ready for it! And im not gonna pressure myself to be "ready" for Oz.. i will be in a better place, thats for sure but i may not be "perfect" (who the hell ever is!!?!) but saying that does NOT mean im gonna dawdle about - i want to be able to put on a bikini when i get there and not feel like id be scaring the locals!!!

Im meeting up with my friend from Cambridge today - she has had ED issues too (we met through the online community in fact!) So im looking forwards to seeing her and catching up on her news :)

Then I think the mothership is home tonight too... So its all go! I feel like i havent seen her in weeks, ive been busy and shes been away working. Sooo, im gonna give her a big hug when she gets home ;) god knows she deserves it - putting up with me!! haha.

Have a great weekend everyone! xx