stress rest

Ive recovered abit from yesterdays fridge trauma! But sadly the nightmare continues, cos we can get a new fridge till tomo and so we are surviving on bits and bobs and as you can imagine - my anxiety is through the roof... im constantly wanting to check the stuff in the freezer, cos i KNOW its not proper freezer temp and i think its all going bad - but i know that i should open it as little as possible, cos the energy will sap out everytime i do.

GAH! 

its sooo stressful!!!

I have been trying to keep on top of my anxiety but its really hard, especially since i dont take any anti-anxiety meds, i try to sit through the shitty feelings myself. which normally i manage okay-ish... mainly cos they are ones that are related to my ED and therefore i can almost anticipate... stuff like unknown foods, eating at random times, having people interrupt my schedule etc. But this is unprecedented :( i dont know how well the food will keep if its not cold and im pissed that the things i like to be cool and fresh and crisp (fruit/veg etc) are now most definitely NOT. Plus i didnt realise that the bottom of my freezer drawer had totally melted cos the top was still frozen... so i got really upset that my stash of special dairy free muffins that i get from london, had gone soft and i probs wouldnt be able to re-freeze them... or can i??? i dont know. Waaaaah! this turned into a fight with my mum as she started complaining about how rigid and uncompromising i am - Urhh YEAH i have a freaking EATING disorder, this type of shit is HELLA CRAZY for me!!! but yeah, she ranted on about how she couldnt deal with my crap anymore - which hurt. but i know shes stressed as anything right now, so im sure she doesnt mean shes sick of ME - its the disorder she's sick of. and i dont blame her! i am too!!! But yeah, it upset me and i felt very anxious and wanted to hide away and just cry and wallow and generally just.....

Urh. I dunno! 

Cos really, theres absolutely no point getting upset and stressed about this situation... cos its completely out of my hands! I cant do anything about it and thats life... If i have to chuck stuff away, then i have to chuck it away. its not the end of the world - its just food! And anyways, its not normal to "hoard" stuff in a freezer drawer for god knows how long, "just in case" i might want to eat it. I mean, jeez! some of the stuff has been in there for AAAAGES!!! So its time for a clean start... its good practice, cos it will certainly be a clean start in Australia! :p

So after taking a few deep breaths and apologising to my mum for being difficult... i took the pooch out for a walk in the sunshine which made me feel better :) more rambling, less powerwalking these days. its nice. pleasant. i can appreciate the outdoors more... altho i DO still feel that i "need" to walk. and if i cant i get triggered. but thats a work in progress! the fact that im strolling and not doing too much is a big relief for my mind and body :)

she's BEHIIIIND yoooou!

When i came home i had a nice snack from my stash of american goodieeeees! I chose a "bumble bar" - mainly cos i wasnt sure if id like it and wasnt craving anything particular, so felt like doing a 'new-try'. haha! 

It was nice tho, abit seedy and heavy for my tastes... but it was chai flavour? which i thought was something to do with coffee, but apparently its just a flavouring. VERY sweet tho!!! not something id pick out for myself, but i was glad the boy picked out some randoms, cos it means i get to branch out of my comfort zone and try new things :) ALWAYS good, right!?

So now im home, im trying to lay low... I mean, everything's ok - but i just still feel very BLAH this weekend. Im hoping tomo will be good tho - it better be! Cos me and El are going to put down the deposit on her wedding dress!!! EEEEEEEEKS!!!! finally! after some "gentle nudging" (she doesnt have that much time!) the choice was made. And she's happy which is the main thing :) Cos she'd literally been looking for months on her own before we started hanging out and i stepped in as "chief wedding helper!" So tomo she makes it official and then we're gonna go out and celebrate!!! Woopwoop!! Im gutted that i wont be there for the actual wedding, cos i know she would have wanted me to be there :( But i have to remember that im off on my OWN adventure! And i know australia is gonna be amazing, its what i need to do right now... Sooo, i will have to make do with the pics and skype chats! Its weird how much of a good friend she's become in the short space of time ive known her... I will def miss her and i will never forget all the help and support she's given me already this summer!

But less of that! summer's not over yet!!! i still have a good FIVE weeks before i leave and believe me, theres plenty of funtimes yet to come :p 

I hope you guys are still enjoying the summer, cos i know alot of schools go back soon - booooo :( 

Lets all make the most of the last rays of summer sun while we can! (after all, not ALL of us are jetting off to australia to lie on a beach, hahahahaha!!) xx