confuzzled

Hey guys...

I havent posted this week, firstly cos i havent actually been home that much - big yay for being busy and having a friend who also has no job to hang out with everyday :p but also i havent really known what to post about... I mean, this is a RECOVERY blog and sometimes i get so frustrated that im not making more progress. i feel like im somehow cheating the blog out of a "happy ever after". Like i think people must be sighing and thinking shouldnt this be done with by now?

yup, i hears ya...

I know ive talked about my feelings of stagnation before and i've had heaps of support and advice and encouragement, to which i am eternally grateful...!! but yet i find myself wondering why things arent changing quicker.

Well, obvs this is a rhetorical question - cos i know the answer: to gain weight you need to consume more than you expend. and i AM consuming more... and challenging myself to eat scary things and be less active. But yet i remain (as far as i can tell) exactly the same :(

I guess its fair to say despite eating more - im still not eating "enough". Its too comfortable to stay put, instead of pressing on and increasing again, which is what i need to do. 500cals per week or whatever until i see some change. But its confusing, cos i always thought that gaining weight was easy. Everyone always complains about how easy it is to put ON, but how it takes double the time to get OFF. But maybe it really isnt that simple. maybe if you are trying to recover from an ED - its even harder. Like scientifically or some shizz. The body probs need MORE to repair from undereating than it does to stay regular. But then why do people report sudden jumps in weight? All i know is that when i eat more, i get very full and then feel sick and dont want to eat again. same goes for eating scary high calorie (and therefore filling) foods. I do it, but then its even harder to eat later :( Urhhhh its horrible. i HATE forcing myself to eat when im not hungry, which is why i end up eating large amounts at night - when i can sleep off the fullness. But then i know that this isnt normal and it hurts trying to jam in alot at night. Either way, i get full and bloated easily... So theres no point ignoring it, i just need to suck it up and fake it till i can make it. Hell, it might even get easier after the initial SHITfest (no pun intended there :p)

I dunno, i let myself get so worked up about NOT WALKING and thinking that ill suddenly balloon in weight if i stop. but in reality, i wont... and i worry that by not doing any "toning" exercises - my body will get flabby. but it wont.... I need to trust what everyone says. Its not some big conspiracy to make ME stop moving while everyone else carries on. nobody is trying to make me fat or unhealthy - thats just my anorexia trying to scare me into submission. sneaky beeyotch.

i wont ever give up

And anyways... I would actually much rather have a softer more feminine shape, and i KNOW i can get that by eating more and walking less! its not like i want a gym-buff physique that isnt attainable to most people, i just want my normal shape back! So why is it so freaking hard to break these ED habits and actually get what i want???

My friend has been a massive help - she is pushing me to eat more and to eat out and to try new things. We walked our dogs along this little riverside trail near our house which leads to a village where there isnt much besides a few little shops and a pub. Usually id just get a soft drink in the pub and call it quits but she suggested fish and chips... and i TRUST her, so i went for it. and it felt good to be doing a normal thing :) But my gaaaaahd that evening was tough. i was still stuffed and it was so hard to make and eat my dinner. especially with the mumatrons not-so-helpful comments. BUT, after i did eat, i was fine - its just pushing through that discomfort barrier thats a big mental challenge... one that i havent really been able to crack before! Progress?!

just as long as you KEEP IT UP!

Anyways, today the mothership left for France for two weeks... which is going to be a good thing i think. She has been under alot of stress lately (nothing particularly new there) but she is always tired and irritable, which naturally comes out at home... to me. Of course i try and help, but there isnt much i can do and its hard when i guess im being abit selfish at the mo - what with trying to focus on getting better. Im focusing on being out of the house and pushing myself and i dont have alot of time to help her out or talk about her worries... Even when i DO try to help, she gets defensive and it ends in an argument... usually about how shit life is and how all she wants is for us all to get along (ahh the old "sister" card) But thats out of my control right now. Which she needs to accept - especially since in a month i will have left to the other side of the world and she will have to cope without me.. Ohh its a worry. But i cant be here to pick up the mess forever - ive got me a LIFE to rediscover!!

my beautiful bubbins

Anyhoo, so she's gone and its just me and the pooch for now! Im actually excited for some timeout :) its been quite tense at home the past week or so, now i can just relax - dance about in my pants if i so want and eat when and what i want instead of having to fit in around another person.... Cos ironically, I have started to do better when mums not about. I didnt like being on my own before cos i wouldnt eat as much and id get bored so id go out walking. But now that i have my drill sergeant friend keeping me accountable and making me push things up a gear - its better! Im hoping this next two weeks will be a good chance to step it up another notch.... I want to rush recovery, but its not that easy. I have to remember that i need to KEEP making progress. not just do one thing and then stop... eating fish and chips, not worrying about set times and food rules etc... its a big change! but i im trying to achieve alot in a short space of time and im not doing enough to get that yet. i want physical results to prove i AM doing something. Cos without the weight gain, its not ACTUAL progress. (hardest part perhaps?!)

Sooooo, i guess the only solution is to bring on MORE food (and more belly-aches :s)  

it may not be nice & it may hurt, but.... 

 ...so lets get started!