daytripper

well HELLOOOO everyone!

After saying id probably be writing alot more now that im free from the shackles of employment and lazing the summer away with boredum... ive actually been pretty lame at posting - Sorry!

But its all good tho, cos the reason i havent been so blog-heavy is not because im struggling... but because im actually busy DOING stuff! Ive been hanging out with friends alot, forcing myself to take chances and grab opportunities to do things instead of hiding away at home with my "safe" routines. 

Its pretty damn freeing to be honest! 

And even tho i have found certain things hard (eating outside of normal times, eating in strange places, eating unsafe foods... pretty much just anything to do with my disordered eating full stop!) Im not backing down... im not letting anorexia dictate the whens and wheres... IM DOING IT! and thats a major biggie for me. Cos im not shying away and hiding behind my eating disorder - in fact im positively rushing in the opposite direction! I know that i will never be able to tackle these anorexic thoughts and behaviours unless i face them head-on. And thats what i need to do... No more lurking! Im not going to say that i will be successful everytime, its still very hard for me to say no to opportunities to walk more and eat less... but im resisting those urges, reminding myself that they DONT come from a healthy perspective right now. And by telling myself that the more i expose myself to my behaviours and challenge them NOW, the better!! i wont suddenly become unhealthy if i dont exercise and i eat 3meals a day. thats NORMAL!!! (i still have a weird rigidity about having three SET meals... like not just having snacks for lunch. if i have lunch, i feel like i shud skip breakfast - and thats not healthy)

So... this week. What have i done? GAH its hard to remember now :p

Oh yeah, so i got back from womad on sunday night... Shattered!!! and mum was home, it felt abit weird me coming home to her here, usually its the other way round. But i tried to stop my head from being difficult about her presence and stuff. I think i may have been abit of a grumpy bitch :( but i was tired and grumbly anyways, so its hard to combat the anxiety i get about not being in control with happy thoughts sometimes...

sometimes moods are just gotta swing

Anyways, monday was washing all my muddy clothes and catching up on zzz's... Tuesday rained literally ALL DAY. it was horrible... and since ive been getting up early everyday to walk the dog with mum, the morning-time dragged. Its been really nice doing the morning walk with mum, cos we dont go far and ive finally learnt that its not about powermarching along and walking as much as i can - like i would try to do if i went with her before. i used to get so frustrated with the stop-start walking and the slow pace... i didnt want to talk to other dog walkers, i didnt want to throw and play ball with the pooch... i just wanted to walkwalkwalk. Soooo disordered :( 

But now, i have embraced the slower pace.... the chance to wake my body up gently with a nice amble instead of a racing march! Plus, i have a dog-walking friend!! Most of the people who walk their dogs are old and more my mums friends... Whereas recently a new girl my age has joined the group... we had chatted abit but when i broke up and started walking with mum regularly, we hit it off. we've hung out properly a few times now and its so nice to have a good girly friend! Plus she has lots of free-time too, cos her fiancee works in london so she doesnt work... She hasnt lived in my town for very long and so doesnt know that many people. So it works really well - we both have dogs, we both have lots of free time and not much to do, oh and guess what - she loves to eat!!! So we are planning a "fatten clem up for Austalia" mission. haha... Its going well so far!

Yesterday we went to the bigger town about half an hour away to look at a possible dress for her wedding... and we might have planned it so that we could go to pret and have a big yummy lunch too!!! (we dont have a pret in our town...) It was so much fun :) 

yummerrrrs

I dont know why, but she is a very positive influence on me... she really doesnt take any ED crap! whenever i say i want to get a drink, she's like... "NO - diet coke is BAD - you must put SMOOTHIE in you!!" it makes it doubly funny cos she's russian and her accent when she says it is hilarious! :)

put smoothie in you :)

So yeah, Shes great - and its a good thing i think. She helps me feel more capable (well, i have less of a choice and therefore less anxiety!) We have lots of dinner and lunch plans set up, so i dont have any excuse not to be on my game. ill be honest, i have wanted to restrict a few times, knowing that ill be eating more with her... but the times that i have - and then felt shitty! means tht im starting to not bother... i know im more fun and happier when i have food in my belly to fuel me and keep my mood stable. So whats the point of denying myself AND my friends the pleasure of a happy fun friend? when i restrict i just want to go home and skulk... which the REAL me doesnt want to do. i have equated the shitty feeling to the fact that i have restricted and i dont like it. So altho its scary as hell to break those "rules" that say i shouldnt eat as much... frankly - when im out and about and enjoying life - i NEED to fuel up! theres nothing wrong with that and ED can naff off!!!

So now we are thursday and its set to be a gorgeous sunny day :) Im off on the train to norwich to see the boys sister (EEK, the boy comes back from LA next week!!!! im excited, scared, nervous, happy... undecided?! i dunno - ill take all of the above please!) So yeah, we are meeting up and having a girly day, looking in the shops, going to see a film called frances, ha - its supposed to be faboosh. She has also been a great help talking me through her experiences of anorexia (she was admitted to ip a few years ago when she was like 18 i think...) So hopefully that will be good too. I feel like by surrounding myself with these positive influences, in the form of people who are on my side and willing to help me fight this - i have a real shot at kicking this horrible disorder once and for all.

Its strange, i just feel stronger... and i feel happier than i have in a while :) Sure - im scared shitless and anxious as hell about "letting go" and "losing my ED identity"... But hey ho - Life aint always easy!

But OH MY GOD, i am so ready to embrace LIFE and start finding out who i am again.... thats worth any amount of wobbly moments. Cos the end result - ie, being FREE of the illness thats held me captive for so many years... well folks, that will be pretty damn Amaaaaaazeballs!! :p xx