BBQ

I told you that i had a BBQ to go to, right?! well it wasnt just a regular bbq folks - OH no. it was a girls - "attempt to make fire" - ONESIE bbq!!! Hahaha - YES we're kindof sad and all have onesies (which ironically, we bought mostly for each others bdays) But since we all had one, it made sense to get some wear outta them!

Remember this DINO-face?!

And we decided that considering we hadnt had a proper girly day since our lunch date on fri didnt really count... we were going to christen our friends new house, with a baaaarbie. british style...

as in... with rain.

Hahaha. but it didnt matter, cos it was fun anyways and we got all the actually grilling done before the skies went dark and we scurried indoors to put on our onesies and slob in front of the tv. it was perfect!

We started off with a trip to the supermarket to stock up on goodies - chips and dips - burgers - prawn and chicken kebaby things (for me) - and DRINK. Cos this was to be my first official drinking sesh since changing my meds. can i get an "uh ohhhhh!"

just your typical BBQ grub

Noooo, it was fine. i only had like TWO cocktails cos i knew i had to take it easy... didnt want to end up making myself ill on my first time drinking in what feels like forever. nlike my friends - who caned it! It was nice to feel that little buzz tho... not cos of the alchohol so much, but to feel included again. i always feel like the odd one out, y'know. the one who doesnt EAT normally... the one who cant DRINK... it sucks to feel like the outsider, and no matter how understanding my friends are - i cant help but feel like abit of a failure :(

fire-starterrrrr :p

But yesterday was good. i tried to eat well... it wasnt great cos i still get very overwhelmed when theres ALOT of food out and everyone is just grazing constantly... it scares me. but i still tried - even tho my ED was screaming! i made myself get up and go straight out - no unnecessary exercising beforehand. i got picked up from mine so NO walking. like AT ALL. urhhhhhh. i SOOO wanted to - but i knew it was silly and disordered and so i didnt. Luckily, the feeling passed so i felt ok by the time i got to the bbq. Thats progress right?! hopefully soon it wont even be an issue to NOT "get a walk in".

So a fun day. But when i got home, i felt confused... i was proud that id done it and not bailed out and listened to my ED... but also somehow disappointed? like annoyed at myself that i hadnt just gone ALL OUT. like eaten whatever... and been "normal". im still very restricted by the whole not-being-able-to-eat-dairy thing. its bugging me to have to check stuff all the time, cos i KNOW it feeds my Ed power and therefore keeps me trapped :( i know my doctors say that it CAN get better - if and when i get healthy and my body is stronger. It just sucks know, cos im in this rut of not eating freely when i feel like i WANT to. Not letting go when i know i SHOULD. i know that i was able to eat dairy before i got ill, so if i can just tackle this weight gain bit and get my digestive system functioning better again, then hopefully alot of my intolerances can start to be adjusted. little by little - i can reintroduce again. 

i just want to be "normal" again.

But its so freaking scary. the last few times ive tried to reintroduce it and had something with a little dairy in it - ive been very badly ill and so the fear of trying again still remains. I know part of it is mental too... But it doesnt stop me feeling worried that it will just result in me being ill again. I know i have to make that step eventually.... i dont want to be weight restored and STILL have fears. thats not the way i wanna play.

So the battle continues... im off to meet my friend El in town today - do some window shopping and change some money into euros for my DAYTRIP TO FRANCE TOMO!!!!! yeaaaaaahboi! me and my 3 girl friends are going on a roadtrip to france find a beach and the big cite europe shopping centre in calais.... WOOPWOOP!!! i cant wait :) 

(even if it DOES mean a 5:30am alarm call time - bleh!)

Still, summer is for living right! i dont wanna stay home and snore my way through it now do i?! That'd be no fun for anyone :p