GAHHHHHH
im not a happy bunny :-(
I hate to blog when im in a mood like this, but i seriously need to get these feelings out of me...
...like NOW.
Annoyingly, today was really good. It was nice to wake up with a purpose. and purpose i had! Off i trotted to school, ready for my day of classes. The kids were pleased to be back and it was nice to hear their stories of what they got up to over the holidays. one of those days when i remember why i love being a teacher :-)
So, no complaints there.
why the big bad grumble then? i hear you ask??
Well i get home, pleased to tell my mum about my day etc, but she's working late. busy busy busy. I knew this would be the case, mondays are always bad for her and she has a big fair coming up this week....
what i did not anticipate was her openly telling me that she hadnt eaten all day.
HOLY CRAP, i did not expect to react as badly as i did. I mean, everyone has days when theyve been too busy to eat a proper meal. and i know that she eats plenty. so its not like she wont make it up. but for some reason, it really got to me. I dont WANT to feel like this, i dont want to guilty her into eating just cos it will put my mind at ease so i dont feel so bad about eating more too. but i do.... and in fact, i cried. ED thoughts were bubbling up inside me and i didnt know what to do. Im still on edge now, i know i shud be thinking about making some dinner but im not hungry and i feel like ED is telling me i shud want to restrict even tho the other side of my brain, the side thats been doing so well lately, is telling me to stop being such a baby and get some munch on. argh, the battle of the brain. who will win. please please please let it be the good side, cos even tho i know the quickest way to silence that nasty ED is to give in to his wishes, but that NOT going to help me fight him long term.... i need to show my fighting side. he's won too many battles in the past. i just hope ive got the strength to silence his whispers...
This is not a happy me. I feel like ive let myself down. i know now that i need serious help, from a professional, and im so glad i took those scary steps to admit i had a problem and go to the docs. My therapist referral is coming thru this week, so hopefully next week ill have an appt for an assessment. I obviously need it :-(
Sorry to have a little rant on you there, but as im sure alot of you reading this know, this fight sure aint easy!
has anyone else experienced these kindof feelings? and if so, how did you overcome them???
help me out lovelies, i need to borrow some of your strength right now
(i promise i'll give it back!!!)
*HUGS* x 1000
ReplyDeleteClemmy, I know exactly how you feel, and how hard it is to compare yourself to others.
At uni there are people that get up late, don't bother with bfast, lunch or dinner, but go out drinking in the evening! (and probably scoff kebabs later but heh!) Others are on diets and only eat salad for tea.
BUT (and it's a big but!) most of them do not have disordered eating. They don't really think about what they do, but if they naturally eat less one day, then they will probs eat much more to balance it out the next. In the long run their bodies get enough fuel (otherwise they would be underweight) without them giving much thought to the process.
We, however, can't do the same and atm are looking at eating from a whole different perspective. Like, for example, if maybe you ate less today would you feel fine tomorrow with having a big mac, and then maybe munching a packet of biscuit nd chocolate later? Probably not.
I know it is soso hard but you have to accept that YOU are the one that needs to gain weight and has an unhealthy relationship with food, not your mum. You can't afford to skip a meal or snack right now because of two reasons:
1, you are extremely underweight, and your body needs all the nourishment it can get,
2, by restricting you are pleasing the eating disordered gremlin and making him stronger (ie. if you miss something today, it will be very hard to add it back in tomorrow).
Woah sorry for the mammoth comment, but I hope it helped slightly! :P
Now go and make yourself some dinner! (and maybe read the CC weight gain post so that the amount your eating feels more normal)
KEEP UP THE FIGHT, you are sooo worth it! :)
Love ya xxxx
p.s. i've just had pizza for tea, then yog and fruit for dessert and will be off for a big bowl of cereal anytime soon!
im the same!! sooo triggerin when peeps eat less, it used to really upset me but ive learned to get over it. i mean, like, my life is my life, if i dont eat because someone else isnt, well then i am letting them control my life, and like i said, my life?=my life!!
ReplyDeleteAt the end of the day, you will be the one who loses weight or who lets ed get stronger and ruin your life. so dont do it to yourself eat 4 u"xxx
Totally the same too! It also happens when I get annoyed at my parents and I never feel like eating. They want me to eat and so I rebel by not doing. It's a totally childish thing but I think I'm getting better, especially when I cool off for 5 minutes then I always go back and have a pudding.
ReplyDeleteThe therapist should help a lot - it did with me.
Just keep thinking forward to summer and being hapy and healthy for then - that's our goal, because to be honest, who wants a miserable summer feeling self conscious about how skinny we look.
Luv luv xxxxxxxp
I totally relate with these feelings! Glad to hear (from your last post) that youre better now, but i just find it SO triggering when I feel like ive been eating all day and someone comes in, tells me they haven't eaten, and eats a salad or something!!! WAHH! haha ;P
ReplyDeletethats what i love about fellow bloggies - we can ALL relate to these struggles.. now we just need to find a way to overcome them!
izzyy
xx