Sooo, day one of trying to CHILL the hell out and get this recovery on and guess what! im finding it hard as balls. SHOCKER! its actually really really hard trying to do nothing without tearing youre hair out with boredum and frustration. Cos in reality - having an eating disorder is a distraction. It blocks stuff out so you dont have to think about it, all you think about is the food and the exercise and everything around that. So trying to do the opposite of what youre ED brain WANTS to do is very time consuming. I feel like ive spent most of the day just trying to sit with feelings of guilt and laziness as i try to rest and not give in to ED behaviours. and my oh MY its hard work.
Why is it that something most people perceive as pleasurable...
i perceive as torture??
Anyways, i think ill probs end up blogging ALOT more these days as i endeavour to fill up my time with non-anorexic activities. What do you guys do to pass time? I already painted my nails and read the end of the book ive been trying to finish for months... im stuck!
Looks like im gonna have to plan waaaay more "out of the house" activities - cos i find it extremely hard to sit here all day without anything to distract me. And eating here is also a big challenge... I can do breakfast and dinner, cos i usually have those. Its like breakfast i have and and then i go straight to work - whereas now i eat and then i feel guilty that im not doing anything. i always feel like i shud go out, somewhere, ANYwhere! I find lunch difficult at the best of times, but i am struggling to make and eat a proper lunch here at home. Which sucks, cos I really (and i mean REALLY) want to make this work this time... already today ive screwed up and not done what i should have. I walked and i skipped lunch... what the FUDGSICLE man?! this isnt what i want, i want to get BETTER dammit. But ive given myself this time - im not at work anymore, i dont have the pressure of needing to BE anywhere or DO anything now... its all in my head. its all ED stuff. i dont need to move or do anything, yet the ED is screaming at me that i do.
How long till it gets easier??
Cos i had a meltdown before i even got out of bed for gods sake!
Well, not so much a meltdown as a panic.... Cos mum walked the dog this morn and i didnt go with her... decided to try and stay in bed. Well usually she is about 25-30mins, but today she was nearly an hour and i freaked. Even tho i KNOW that she likes to stand and chat with her friends when she takes the dog to the field and since she's been away for a while, naturally she would want to catch up with them... and i KNOW that she really does just amble there and then stand around chatting while throwing the ball cos ive been there with her...! but nooo, in my brain i think she is walking lots and being super active and therefore far from lazy, unlike layabout me - who hasnt yet got her lazy ass out of bed :(
LAZY LAZY LAZY
thats what my head screams at me...
But the stupid thing is that im NOT lazy!! i genuinely do love to move about and so i know i would never be a couch potato.... but i need to stop pushing it. I never believe that just walking for pleasure is enough. Cos i like it! and isnt exercise supposed to HURT...? to feel like a CHORE...? to be DIFFICULT...? Mum says i have to realise that my metabolism and my body is naturally designed to be slim, so i just dont need to be pushing it to lose weight and be "fit". i am an ectomorph (straight up and down) so my body is never going to be "fat" as i sometimes believe... even when i was eating masses of junk food, partying all night and drinking with not a hint of "exercise"... i was still slim and ironically - i was probably a hell of alot healthier than i am now! I have to stop thinking that i need to punishing myself in order to have these things. It is in my genetics - i dont have to "pay" for it with exercise and restriction. What other people do is other peoples business... My body is MINE and MINE alone. there can be no comparison! which is where i slip up. I always question things cos i look at other people and say "but...."
ive gotta learn to say: BUTTS not BUTS!!
cos damn id like mine back....
pancake flat bums are not so cute.
Hopefully tomo will be better after my learning experience today. I have told mum i want to EAT LUNCH OUT!!! that way i cant skip round it... im going into town in the morning to do a few bits and bobs (and therefore incidental walking so i cant do "extra" later) and then we are meeting for lunch :)
Im excited... genuinely! I know i need to start doing this, ive got my MP stuck on the fridge, so its on. But i need to start off buying/having my lunch elsewhere - that way i wont freak out about it not being "right".
So theres tomo's challenge: lunch and NO extra walking!
Its Game On anorexia...
you may have had the upper hand today, but you better watch your back tomorrow :p
One thing I do wanna say, is that, I made a big mistake when I started recovery and made myself "chill the eff out". Which was; staying in bed. I would have my meals (if I really had to), but the rest of the time I would stay in bed. And the thing is, you end up still not eating enough (again, hon, YOU need to find out what ENOUGH looks like for you. Make a mealplan of 3000kcals so you know your guidelines) and make sure you get it in. Don't let making yourself stay in bed become a way of not having to eat between meals you cannot skip.
ReplyDeleteAlso, email me or app me if you need to vent. Because if you would juuuuust push it and make it the eff out of the boney-woods, darn, your trip will be so much more enjoyable for everyone!
You can do this sweetheart, I find it really hard to chill out in the house but find some laid back outdoors things to do- reading in the park for example and you're half way there. xx
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