flump

People. I am feeling bluuuue today. 

Not like depressed, sad blue.. im just upset with myself. Im frustrated that im still not really getting anywhere with my recovery. Im not consistant with things - i slip back to old habits so freaking easily. Which makes me angry, cos i only have myself to blame for STILL being stuck in these unhealthy routines. I vow to change and yet cannot seem to find the strength to actually follow up on it.

Basically, 

i feel like a big old fraud.

I am so lucky that i have had such amazing support from the ED community on here and i feel bad that people KEEP giving me advice and encouragement and yet i cant quite fully use it. I take it on board, it reassures me and i know exactly what i need to do... (i could recite my "recovery to-do" list in my sleep!) in fact, i probably do - since i have defs dreamt about anorexia and its horrible grip on my life in my sleep.. isnt that scary. How much it has a hold on my life, awake OR asleep. But i cant figure out why im not getting anywhere with this. WHY CANT I JUST EMBRACE IT??? i long for that "fuck-it" moment, where i give up the control, said "sod you anorexia!" and just let go. let myself be me. where i finally ACCEPT what will come and be okay with the fact that somethings are beyond my control.

But i cant.

Well, hold on - thats abit strong... sometimes i can. Sometimes im all over this recovery thing. Boshing a "no-walking-day" challenge or eating a "fear" food. But it doesnt last :( i feel so sucked into this routine that i have lived for the past god-knows how many years, that i cant seem to see the wood for the trees....

Picture this: Its like im lost in ED-land. And its a scary, lonely place. I keep shouting for help, desperate for someone to find me and get me out, but nobody can hear... or if they can - they cant see me. So i must find my way by myself - but its like i have to left feet, cos im just walking around in circles! Im trying to find my way out of this horrible place, trying to find the strength to get to safety... But i just end up back where i started, with anorexia's laughter ringing in my ears.

Its really hard when i think of all the times ive said to myself "i WILL do this, i CAN do this..." and if you've read my blog for a while, then im sure you've read those very words a thousand times. But yet, here i am. Still at the same low weight. Granted - i have tackled some of my behaviours and things HAVE improved... but its not enough is it? im still a fake recoverer. if i wasnt then surely i would be better by now? Or at least at a healthier weight. This is just getting pathetic.

I cant even figure out WHAT it is that holds me back (apart from myself) cos i have identified where and how my disorder started, i can acknowledge and feel the effects it has on my body and i hate the way i look, feel and behave... Isnt that a sign to say - enoughs enough? I cant stand the way it runs my life and stops me from doing all the things i want to. So where is my FUCK IT moment??? why havent i had one? Why the hell hasnt it twigged yet??

THIS ISNT FUN. 

I DONT LIKE THIS. 

I WANT TO GET BETTER.

If i know all of these things and i am fully up for recovery, then why can i not seem to actually DO it? i know i fear change more than anything. i fear giving up the control, i fear the unknown and i fear my body as a whole. but i also fear being stuck like this forever. so why cant i just have that eureka feeling and get the ball rolling properly. Why cant i get stuck in like i so badly want to... who's stopping me?? Everyone else wants me to be better... nobody would EVER stop me from eating more and moving less. But its still down to me. And needing to convince that faulty circuit in my brain to make it see that its just not worth punishing myself like this anymore....

Wah, im sorry this is a proper grumblefest guys. I promise, im not just fishing for sympathy! Its just upsetting sometimes and im tired and therefore abit emotional... But you guys are awesome and you help me keep fighting everyday! cos i DO keep fighting, so at least theres that! theres no way i would ever start believing that id want to stay this way. Its just that the habit is so powerful, that giving it up feels like giving up ME. everything i know. everything that seems true and real. but it isnt. Its a lie. Anorexia isnt my friend, its a bitch-ass meanie who wants to keep me locked in its grasp forever... and currently, im being an idiot cos im letting it win.

If things are hard and i get anxious, i take the easy option. I dont confront them. Probably cos im still running on adrenaline and stress at work. I dont want to make any kindof problem that might make life difficult. But im doing that anyways, cos by taking the option that seems "easier", then im not recovering. And that just means life is harder - full stop.

Its weird how what anorexia would call the "lazy" option, by which i mean RESTING, staying sedentary and healing my body by eating and provided it with adequate nourishment... is in fact one of the hardest things to do.

Ill end this ramble here, cos i need to get some work done anyways! but there i go... never relaxing - never letting myself rest. As soon as school finishes next week, i need to commit to this thing 100%... there can BE no more lame excuses, no more being too busy to recover. Anorexia will always take "just another day" and then ill look back on my life and wonder what i wasted it on an ED for.... to be unhealthy and unhappy all the time? No ta... thats just not me.