the sun is back!!

hip hip hooraaaaaay!

Ill be honest, i got abit miffed last week when, after our two glorious days of sunshine on sunday and monday, the weather started to take a turn for the drizzly. It was still warm (thankgaaawd!) but there was rain... and drizzle... and my hair frizzed up... and i got wet. Hmfph.

So basically, it was not quite what id hoped for :p HA! serves me right for being so damned optimistic when, lets face it...  a couple of weeks ago there was snow on the ground. 

But its cos its finally starting to FEEEEEEL like spring/summer, y'know?! and so, naturally that means i request reciprocal weather conditions! like.. NOW! that is all.

Well today, i got 'em :) yipeeeeeeedoodah. and im a happy girl again! (cos seriously, im that easily pleased!)

But ill get to today in a min, cos first i wanna talk about this hypnotherapy consultation i had lastnight... I have heard about the successes of hypnotherapy for eating disorders and i was interested to know more... i am coming to the end of my tether with my stubborn head-funks and altho i know that there is no "easy way out" of an eating disorder and im not looking for some kindof quick-fix solution... i AM curious as to know how it could help me clear some of the blockages/misalignments in my thinking.

So altho part of me still thinks that it might well be a load of baloney and i will waste my time and money and get no futher with recovery... but since i know i have to get on with recovery sooner or later, there is no point in me prolonging it. So if this can help my quiet the disordered part of my mind, then im willing to give it a shot :) it cant do any harm right?! 

*enter my paranoid visions of being "hypnotised" into eating masses & masses of junk food 

and thereby becoming super unhealthy & morbidly obese* 

GAH!!!

THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN!

yes, i checked :p

Her take on it was that we have two parts to our brain, the rational side - which is the side that knows that in order to get healthy i need to eat more and exercise less... That doing this WONT make me fat and it wont do me harm and i WILL stabalise and not go on gaining uncontrollably forever. And then there is the irrational "reaction" side, which makes me think that if i dont walk 'x' amount or if i eat 'y' amount more than usual - that something bad will happen to my body so i must comply with the rules and routines i have set in place in order to stay "safe".

The hypnotherapy aims to bring these two sides closer together so that the rational side can have more of a say in things. At the moment, i HEAR the rational side but i LISTEN to the reactional side. i need to lessen the reactional sides power in order to feel confident enough to do what I want to do and what i know is right....

Sooo, there you have it! It sounds interesting dontcha think? Im gonna talk to the mothership about it all first and hopefully get some feedback from friends, you guys etc... before i book a proper session. But im optimistic about trying it and its not like im unwilling... i want this to help and i want to get better. The therapist said that it was a good thing to be open about my fears and worries and not to be scared to talk things through, so we definitely have paths to explore and work with. Fingers Crossed eh?!

But tell me... What do YOU think about hypnotherapy?

cos i would really appreciate your thoughts!

loooook into my naaaaaaiils.....

Now back to today!

I was up later than usual (for me) lastnight. Ive not been feeling so tired in the evenings which is nice, im hoping it has something to do with the new meds im on. Maybe i can finally start piecing together a social life again! Cos parties arent really parties when youre falling asleep by 9pm :p So yeah, lastnight i was eating my bedtime muffin-fest and watching suburgatory online (LOVE that show!) and when i checked my phone it was ten past midnight.... it was the NEXT day and i was STILL awake?!?! shocker!!! Anyways, so i slept long and good to make up for the late-nighter... didnt get my ass out of bed till half 11. I got up a few times to pee (yup, im a granny) and opened my curtains to let the light stream in.... ahh, it was lush! i had to fight some thoughts of "get up you lazy slob, its sunny outside, you should go for a walk NOW!" and just chill for abit. but then, since i did want to get some sunshine in my life! i got up and faced the day (did some stretches too.... grrr)

Ive had another wise words email from my VERY wise friend, about how i am stalling and not doing anything and generally being stagnant in recovery. which is true. i wont tell a lie. And i know i have to shake things up, instead of just talking about it over.... and over.... and OVER.... broken records aint got nothin on this girl! 

So ive decided i need to stop and take account of my actions.... Do i really want recovery? like REALLY??? cos from an outsiders perspective it might seem like im happy as larry just talking the talk but never making the difficult steps to actually walking that walk. If i want the changes i say i want so badly, i need to quit my whining and do something. Its not gonna be fun, its not even gonna be tolerable. its going to SUCK BALLS. and thats the main reason that i guess i havent stopped stretching/walking/eating what i eat and not branching out. Cos its scary and it hurts and i dont like it. wah wah waaaah. If all you other people in recovery can do it. then i need to grow some balls and do it too.

So what i want to do (something ive talked about before) is impose an inpatient style regime to my weekdays. I already have to get up early for work and i have the blessing of being distracted during the day with teaching so no time to dwell on my ED's snivels at being made to do something it doesnt like.

But what i need to figure out is the activity thing (im still active at work, not massively - but i do move around and i walk there and back - altho this could be ALOT shorter walk if i went direct instead of all my little "diversions")  do i eat more to cover it? do i just try and eat more than i am now and see what happens? so many options and it gets my brain spinning. I need a clear-cut PLAN so that i dont then find loopholes... that ED is a sneaky beehatch and if it can see a way to wriggle in. it sure as hell will.

I think im gonna have a writeup-sesh tomo to try and set some stuff in stone. y'know, sort of cover my back so to speak.... 

Hopefully it'll be another beautiful day and that way if any of the inevitable ED-shit gets me grumbling, i can just take a step outside and embrace the fact that its not ass-bitingly cold and rainy to cheer me up....

works like a charm! 

:p