being silly.

I know this is going to sound SOOOOO silly and also a little bit self-absorbed and quite clearly ED-driven, but i have to say it. So im gonna slap a Trigger Warning on this badboy, just to make you aware.

okay, so...

....Sometimes i dont actually think i look THAT ill???

Arghhhghhghggh! ok STOP it, i know. 

im an idiot. but please DONT HATE ME - its my head that's crappy

I dunno, cos when i look at myself in the mirror with no clothes on (yup, in the nudeypoo's) i do genuinely hate what i see, i dont see a fat person... hells no. i FULLY see my stick-thin arms, my bony shoulders, my non-existant bum and teeny bee-sting boobies... i see 'em in all their anorexic withered non-glory.... and it upsets me that my clothes dont fit right, that i cant wear tee-shirts or low cut tops, or jeans that werent designed for kids.... when i do wear the things i want to, i get stared at, ive overheard comments "look at her LEGS..." or "Urgh, she's so THIN"... i even had a man stop me in his car to make a comment. Jeez, youd think that's be a kicker... But nope. I still dont believe it. Of course, it hurts at the time and it hits home for a bit and i think "Uh-Oh, maybe it IS noticeable". But then i brush it off and get on with my day (and forget or just pretend it wasnt real)

Cos there are times when i see other skinny girls and i think "well they dont look sick and they must be about my size.. so i must be ok then!" I must be delusional! i forget about the stares and the comments and the times ive cried in changing rooms cos size 6 jeans look like a deflated balloon on me and what my reflection looks like when im not in my clothes... cos when i AM dressed, like in something i dont feel too self-concious in (ive learnt how to hide the bad/scary bits) Well thats when i start to think "Oh, maybe i DONT look so bad after all".... 

WARNING TO SELF!!!! 

this is not an accurate perception of how i truly look.

I may be able to hide the bones on the outside, but they are still there. and let me tell you... 

Me + Naked = Scary. And therefore me in any kindof nice summery clothes or heaven forbid.... a BIKINI! is a no-go. But my problem is that so often during the colder months, i kid myself that im not so bad... that i look okay in my long sleeved tops and fifty layers to try and keep warm. Denial is a bitch. Cos then BAM its summertime and i try on my summery clothes and i cant wear any of them cos i look like a bag of bones :(

I know im not well, and i know that physically i CANNOT look well with a BMI in the 14's (shit - thats not good.... thats clearly NOT okay) but how the hell can i convince myself that it will be better when i gain? I used to look at normal girls and feel jealous of their normalcy... like i thought they must be doing something special to be allowed to be normal, to be happy, to be ok with themselves. Noo, they surely cant eat pizza and cake, cos theyre not fat! Or if they DO, they must run for miles and lift weights and do yoga 3x a week, cos they are ok and they have nice bodies.... I am SO blind to see that normal is just that - NORMAL. Cos i dont think i know what "normal" normal is. But its not just normal people, now i literally look at ANYONE and feel jealous that they are ok in themselves! I see curvy girls and i feel envious of the way they can fill a pair of jeans. I see old people simling and eating cake and CLEARLY not running 5k's in their spare time! I just feel like it cant be as simple as eat, drink and be merry... even tho i KNOW happy, relaxed, comfortable-in-themselves people are far more attractive than cold, skinny, bony-to-touch anorexic grouchbags! But i dont believe that i could ever be the same. i feel like i have to do some kindof activity everyday, instead of just hanging out and enjoying downtime like some people do. I dont treat myself to a pizza when i go round to a friends or have a piece of cake if i meet someone for tea. Neither do i go out and get drunk, cos i worry too much! I worry about everything... about the calories... about my medication... of course, i worry that id get hungover and then not be able to do anything the following day. i worry about worrying :(

And how pathetic is that!? that my routine is so dictated by my ED that even tho i allow myself more freedom that i used to... im still ruled by this "lifestyle" that ive tied myself up in. This warped belief that you cant LIVE unless you are living HEALTHY. its like orthorexia but for life, not just for food. im not obsessed with clean FOOD so much (yes, i am a fruit/veg junkie but i will drink diet coke and eat crisps even tho i know theyre not "clean" foods) but rather im obsessed with a clean LIFE. 

Ever since i got sick with M.E and couldnt control my body and my health, ive been striving to regin that control ever since... But you CANT CONTROL LIFE and you cant control youre body either, cos eventually... somethings gotta give. Ive had a good run of it physically... even when i was in the unit, my therapist said he was amazed that i managed to function so well while being so underweight... (yay, what a compliment... so, what? im a good anorexic? sod that shit!) But its only cos i push myself, even when im tired, when i ache when all i want to do is curl up and cry... i continue to push my body, afraid of what will happen when i stop.

But ironically, the physical side hasnt been the curtain-caller... i have a pretty high pain threshold and since i have to put up with so much discomfort for my other illnesses, a few measly ED side-effects arent enough to make me sweat too much. yes the tiredness, the cold, the peeing 50times a night, the soreness when i sit for too long, the hair dulling/shedding and the weird yellowy skin.... whats so bad about that?! (im joking. i hate it. its not ok, im not glamourising it, im just used to it i guess...)  

The real cruncher for ME, is the mental fuck-up that comes with it. cos i literally cant stand the person my ED has made me. i am not this girl... i despise the fact that i have lost out on so much happiness and fun cos ive been doing what my eating disorder tells me to. I dont want to live like this anymore. Its soooo fucking BORING!!!!! 

But whats it gonna take for me to change then eh? my anorexia controls (not ALL, but a big part of) my head and my head controls my heart. So even tho my heart says "just GO FOR IT clem!!! you'll be fine! its hell right now, so whats the worst that can happen?! be FREEEEE!" ....my head says, "Oooh, i dunno about that, you dont deserve nice things... go do some situps and listen to my all mighty powerful voice of DOOOOOOOM".

Seriously, if ED was a person... id kick him in the shins and pop his balloon at the fair. Waaah!!!

Okay, wait now im thinking (shocker!) what about some creative visualisation?? maybe this could work! If i popped ED's (metaphorical) balloon, then maybe i can be free! After all, an ED is essentially just a bully right? Like, a bully in your head? And the only way to beat a bully is to CONFRONT them. Show them you that you arent scared, and definitely DONT do what they say!! Haha, you know what... im starting to like this idea! and you know how i love to bosh a good metaphor :p

Yup, look out people cos here we gooooooooo... 

i have a feeling that motivational clem  is 

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