Its sunday morrrrrrning people!
which i think we all know means LAZY morning time :)
Ahhhh. BLISS! altho saying that, i was awake by 7:30am, so i cant really relate... GAH! i snoozed for another hour tho, just in case :p then got up and smiled a BIG smile - cos the sun was out again... and no joke, i am SUCH a different person in the sunshine. i just feel so much more alive, more lifted and happier. Ohhh, im defs not a cold weather chick, no siree!
SO, after having a shower and nipping to the shop to get the papers... i was all set for a lazy morning. I baked some banana muffins with the leftover bananas that we forgot about when we went away over Easter... they were a perfect ripeness, brown on the edges and soft and mushy. Yummmm. Its weird that i cant stand bananas on their own, as a fruit. but i DO love a banana muffin! straaaange. And then I ventured to sit outside with the papers, lured by the bright sunshine....
Umm, Mistake!!
Cos as soon as i got out there i realised that it may well be sunny, but it was NOT warm!!! we've still definitely got that british chill-factor going on over here... Brrr!! But still, its a step in the right direction so im not complaining! Roll on summer :p
Anyways, im in good spirits cos yesterday i had a fun day with my friend Jess. We both work in education, so whenever we have a half term or holiday we get to hang out... its mad cos we live super close to each other, but we are just so busy during term-time! So we had a nice day in the sunshine yesterday, window shopping in town and then to the pub to watch the grand national :)
I hadnt put a bet on any horses, but she had... so i decided id pick a horse anyway to join in the competetive spirit! Mine was called "Tea for Three", cos originally we were supposed to be having tea with my friend A aswell, but he wasnt feeling well - so bailed out. But that would've been tea for three, so the name stuck out to me! To be honest, i dont know enough about racing to pick out a real winner - i like to go on whether they have a fun name or a colourful jersey that i like!
some of those jerseys are pretty jazzy, dontcha think?!
All in all, it was a good race, a few horses fell - which is quite common in such a packed out race, but luckily none of the horses were harmed. There is often lot of outrage about the Grand National, cos alot of horses fall or get injured and have to be put down :( But it was ok this year... OH and guess what! My horse came in THIRD!!!! dammit, i SO shud have put a bet on it for reals :p i wouldve been drinking for free! My friends horse was also placed and she won a tenner... not bad, but not as good as if she'd backed the winning horse - with odds at 66-1, she would have been minted!!! haha.
It was quite busy in the pub and as we shuffled to the screen to try and get a good view - i got a holla from my new yoga buddies who were also in there having a drink!! small world eh?! (well, we do live in a small town, so maybe not!) But yeah, we joined them and had a good old banter-fest :) they werent there for the race, but we soon got them involved! Time flew by as we chatted and when we left it was 6ish.. so me and Jess made a move back to hers for a cuppa tea and chillout.
It was so nice to just feel happy in myself, i wasnt stressing about food and exercise and ED stuff... i was just a girl out with her friends having fun and being sociable. It was definitely a nice change to have that feeling - it makes me look forwards to the possiblity of being that girl again :) Now if i could only get over the fact that im still too skinny and feel uncomfortable about my appearance, then id be laughing! But i guess that still takes time. i cant just click my fingers and have everything fall into place, as much as id like to... cos theres still a reason that im this underweight - and that reason is CONTROL. Despite having a god time, i still didnt let go fully... i didnt drink alcohol like some of the others... and when i went back to jess's i didnt eat choccy biscuits with tea like she did... So yeah. im aware that im still very rigid. and obvs thats why im still underweight.
I wont be able to love and respect my body until i let it look after itself. I cant keep dictating what is "right" or "wrong" for me... i need to let it find its own peace. then i wont be stressing about it all the time, i can just BE! i know im a healthy person by nature, so I shouldnt be so scared of the consequences of eating a treat food, or not being active. I enjoy eating well and i enjoy walking and being outdoors - those things wont change! But what i dont enjoy is being strict on myself and not being "nice" or giving myself a break anytime... Cos all those healthy things dont matter if i still dont let myself FEEL good. Health comes from within and being thin doesnt = being healthy.
I dont FEEL healthy and i dont think i LOOK healthy, therefore things are still amiss....
Plod Plod Plod...
i guess i just have to keep plodding on
I just wish i wasnt so bloody stubborn! All i want is to just gain weight and be healthy. but im scared of how to go about gaining that weight! So its a catch-22 :s One cant be done without the other... and even tho i know that its not THAT easy to gain weight in recovery (or so people say...) but i dunno... i still dont quite believe it. I still have that annoying ED tunnel-vision that makes me think that one chocolate biscuit = sudden weight gain.
Stupid.... i know.
but how do i get rid of that???
Anyways this afternoon im off to a yoga class, so hopefully ill find some inner peaaaaace yeah?! Haha. im so glad i have another week off before i have to face going back to work. im def enjoying this time-off... Imagine how much ill like being properly FREE!!! only one term left to go, then its all about ME, no more stressy work excuses, just time to find out who i am again and what will come next in the new chapter of my life :)
hey clem.
ReplyDeletei don't know you, though i'm happy to have found your space. i've read a bit and it seems like you're struggling, with ED, with gaining weight, with the should i/shouldn't i business. i don't have much to say, other than i really hope you believe in your wellness enough to achieve it.
i used to be an exercise addict, used to starve myself, used to binge and purge. it was a miserable existence. i was never hospitalized, though right before i decided to get well (literally was a decision) i was depressed, had no period, broke out, my hair fell out all the time, i had no energy, couldn't concentrate...you know the deal.
i can tell you now i am healed. completely healed. ED is not at all a part of my life and i always thought it would be from the moment i realized i was sick. i thought there was no way around it.
when you say:
"ED tunnel-vision that makes me think that one chocolate biscuit = sudden weight gain."
oh, can i relate. here is the deal. you are smart, girl. you know all you need to do to be well. start applying it. stop fearing this change -- ALL THE CHANGES YOU IMPLEMENT ARE NECESSARY AND ULTIMATELY BEAUTIFUL.
you have all the answers you need. you know it's stupid, so LISTEN to that! start listening to the little voice that says, "HEY, THAT IS A STUPID THING TO THINK." listen to your inner voice, she's trying to get in contact with you.
next time you feel a compulsive need to exercise or move or walk that extra mile (ugh, i hated that feeling) take a moment to pause, ask yourself why you are doing it, and if you are doing it because ED told you to, just don't. JUST DON'T. yes, it will definitely feel uncomfortable. it will not be fun at first to say NO to ED. you might cry, you might scream, you might throw a fit. do it. it's better than mistreating yourself any single second longer.
you are more than your mind. you are more than the bullshit it feeds you. you know this. i know this. and i don't even know you. but i believe in you that much. it's time you believe in you, too. in that little, sweet voice asking you to be well, take care, and grow.
my life is so full of love and light now, but only because i committed myself to recovery. i worked hard for this, and i know you're working hard for yours, too. KEEP GOING. the next time you feel a negative urge, call someone. write someone. distract yourself until it passes. because, truly, that is only your lower, animal brain demanding you follow it. YOU DON'T AND NEVER HAVE TO. retrain your brain. replace every negative thought with a positive one. tell yourself sweet things even if it feels fake. eventually, if you stick with it, it will feel real.
this is not about stubbornness. this is about being scared.
you know you want to gain weight. you know all the reasons why. you know what lies waiting for you at the end of this journey.
so why not take it? why not start now?
be bold, be brave, be courageous. ask for help when you need it. break yourself down to grown yourself a new.
you can do it, babygirl. everyone's rooting for you. learn how to root the loudest for yourself now.
GO CLEM, GO!
xo
z