Morrrnin!

I totally forgot what day it was today...

After nearly three weeks off, im starting to get into that nice comfortable "not-worrying-about-what-day/time it is" thing.

Too bad i have to go back to work on Monday then isnt it?! Noooo!!! JUST as i was getting into my relaxed groove :( This term is gonna be killer too, BUT its my last one, so at least theres that incentive! In fact i actually had a bit of a shocker the other day, cos my friend texted me to say that the advertisement for my job was up on the school website.... EEK!!! i know thats a good thing, cos it means they are trying to find a replacement sooner rather than later, but still... it suddenly felt VERY real!! :s

But i feel like im finding peace with the idea of moving on... to start with i was very apprehensive about leaving my job. thoughts of economic depression and people struggling to find work ANYWHERE filled my head and i was worried about how i would cope for money and whether i was stupid leaving a secure and good job to go off into the unknown, where possible unemployment waited for me with open arms! I mean, would i even be able to find a job when i came back?... but then i stopped myself and thought "IM NOT HAPPY HERE ANYMORE" and that was that! I know that this is the right time for me to make a break... i could stay here forever, not quite getting better, not quite taking those risks that i so badly need and want to take. But i want to LIVE! and staying here, stuck in this safety bubble is not challenging me to do that. its not living... its EXISTING, COPING, GETTING BY.... and thats not what i want anymore, it was comforting for a while - yes and it was necessary when i was so ill... but im bored of it!!! I need some excitement to make me see that there IS a whole world of possibilities out there. I dont need to settle for something that isnt ticking my boxes anymore :)

So then i went PHEW! and started getting abit excited about leaving :) and now, well... i could happily leave tomo!!! but i still have ALOT to sort out before i can even think of jetting across the world... Mainly mental stuff (i have booked a consultation appt with a hypnotherapist who specialises in eating disorders next week) family stuff (the mothership is finally cutting ties with her business partner and going solo... very scary and i want to make sure she is set up and ok before i go) and friends (the ex-boy, my friends that i am starting to enjoy being free and happy with again.... i want to make the most of that!)

So yeah, theres all that, not to mention the actual LOGISTICS - like visa's, tickets, places to go etc... its alot of planning!!! I also need to come up with some kindof summer job to help me save money for when school breaks up. Im thinking bar or cafe work? but i live in a student town and therefore all the uni people snag those jobs as soon as they break up in May... not much good for me, since i dont finish till early july :(

ANYWAYS, enough of my future shizz... back to the here and now eh! Heres a glimpse of this week... and it involves SHOPPING!!!!

skirt: H&M

socks: Topshop, Bra-let: Hollister

pretty nailvarnish = LOVE

new topshop booties for spring

Ohhhh yes, me and the mumatron had a fab girly bonding bday day out.... which obvs included abit of retail therapy :p It was super nice to just hang out with her and browse the shops and smile and laugh and NOT be serious and gloomy and all that.... Im really valuing her presence in my life at the mo!! maybe its cos i know ill miss her when im gone :p

I kicked myself tho cos, naturally some ED stuff had to rear its unwelcome head... BOO to you ED, naff off wont you, nobody wants you here! Basically, i still find it hard to eat lunch when im not on a schedule (yes i know, is this STILL going on??? purrrlease) but we went to this italian cafe for lunch and i just wasnt hungry... No excuse, i know. But if we'd gone to pret or a sandwich place - i wouldve chosen something, like a sandwich or salad or something. But mum wanted to go to this posh cafe/restaurant and i just wasnt up for a whole big meal, like pasta or fish or a plate of oily antipasti stuff. There wasnt much i could have that was non-dairy and so i just had a drink and nibbled on some of mums stuff instead.... uhh, PATHETIC. i felt bad and i know it put a little grey bump on our day... but sometimes i just dont know how to cope without it. I worry that the fallout of trying would be way worse :(

I wish i didnt find eating so bloody complicated. Im praying that this hypnotherapy thing will clear that blockage in my head that makes food such an enemy to me.... i just want to eat without thinking into it so much again.

BUT on the good side, i have been sooo much more relaxed about needed to walk/be active. i feel alot better about taking time to chill out and not jump up and get a load of activity done as soon as i can in the day... and weirdly, i dont think ive gained weight! in fact my stomach looks more toned, weirdly? hmm. People have noticed that i seem happier, more chilled out too. I think thats a good sign! Ideally, Id like to stop completely and then see what happens, but i still have this little niggling fear about it being "bad" to not do anything. even if its just going out for a quick walk.... i find myself needing to have something. which is still disordered i know... 

but how do i get rid of that?? 

go cold turkey? 

is that going to be the only way to nix it on the head???

What i need to be careful of is when i go back into work next week, cos i always find myself doing more cos im doing more (if that makes sense...) i end up taking the longer route, going up stairs when i dont really need to etc. its like if im going to be on the go, then i need to be really on the go. Which is strange, cos realistically - i should acknowledge that im being busier anyways and therefore  ease up cos the other stuff isnt necessary. Why is it the other way round?? Im sure i read some ED related article about starved hamsters wanting to run non-stop on their wheel or something? Anyone else?!?!?

So, Im going to try and remind myself of what i have (or havent!) done over the holidays and try and focus on that (and not on the fact that i eat more at work... that needs to be seen as a bonus!) cos i NEED to get this weight on faster, i dont want to freak myself out by stuffing myself and then panicking.... but im being complacent in recovery and it means im not getting anywhere fast. Im making progress, but its progress that should have been made months, or years ago... im dilly-dallying and i know that that isnt going to help matters... this isnt going to go away until i start shaking things up again.

OOF! that rambled on abit didnt it! soz you guys... ill stop now! Anyways, i have to get dressed cos i got an email through about this subject leaders folder that i was supposed to have done last term and totes forgot about - the deadline is end of next week. SHHHHHIIIT!!!! so im gonna haul ass into school and try and print off some stuff to attempt to make it look ok.... ah the joys of knowing i wont have to deal with this crap soon!

see you on the flipside folks

:)