Soooo its thursday and again this week has flown by in a "back to work" haze... i only just realised i havent posted since sunday. seriously tho, doesnt it feel like sunday was only yesterday?! or maybe thats just me....
Anyways, im still alive! haha. Ive just been busy again. life y'know... PHEWS.
it makes me realise how much i actually DO in a week. i mean, i feel lazy when im not doing stuff but when i actually think about how much i do do (haha, do-do... man im immature :p) yeah, i see that i AM quite active... so maybe i shudnt be beating myself up about not doing "enough". maybe i do deserve a bit of rest and relaxation. i think im so used to my body feeling weak and tired and sore, that i dont see it as a abnormal thing anymore. but its not good to feel bad all the time. cos i literally have to drag my sorry ass about by the end of the day... im always tired. i ache. i hurt. i dont have any energy.
Umm, hellooo...
WARNING SIGNS much??
my body is an unsafe structure right now!!!
I know the way i treat my body is not normal or healthy. i always feel like i need to feel some kindof hardship in order to be in touch with my body. But it shouldnt have to hurt to feel ok. I dont know why i get it in my head that pain = good. cos thats not right!!!
Still, i am trying to whittle down the walking and up the eats. i am getting incredibly frustrated that my moped hasnt been fixed so i cant start riding that. cos i worry that the more i keep my usual routine up, the harder it will be to have a clean break... but then again, it could work in my favour. If i end up hating this exhaustion so much, then getting the "okay" to stop will be a welcome relief! Its just hard cos some days i genuinely HATE it... i dread waking up and forcing myself to walk into work, but then sometimes its nice and crisp and i LOVE it. so im very torn! the days i dont like it, i wish to god i had the moped and i say to myself, as soon as i get it, im giving this walking lark the heave-ho. sedentary weight gain - here i come. But then theres times when i have a good walk and i feel empowered and alive and fresh and happy and i think, why on earth would i take that away voluntarily?!
What to do?? i guess i know the answer... for NOW i need to stop. if i want to give recovery a chance i need to experience the other side. i need to be able to sit and do sod all, to prove to myself that its ok... then when im better and my mind isnt so wrapped up in the "need" to be active, then i can re-introduce it, bit by bit....
true dat
Cos sadly, until then im not really giving my body the chance to heal if i keep forcing it to do stuff it doesnt have the strength to do :-s I keep thinking that if i can just STOP, then i might just gain some much-needed clarity in my head to push forwards with the other aspects of recovery that i struggle with... Cos god knows i need some encouragement to get out of my safe "rut"! (im so fed up of trickling along, not really gaining... but then, if only it was as easy as "just eat more". Grr!)
On the 'other-things-that-happened-this-week' front... the (ex) boy came round on tues after work to chill and have a cuppa, which was cool. he was visiting his new girl, but its not awkward! its actually very nice to be able to hang out and not to feel that he was "hoping" to rekindle something. We can just be silly, goofy normal friends now, which is much better for both of us :-)
Oh and the mumatron was back on tues too! she came home for a full three days this week. i was all "YAAAAAAYS"!!!! it was lovely to see her, altho it does worry me cos she is SO tired and stressed (more than me!) im very much my mothers daughter and i KNOW that she is pushing herself to do more and more and she is suffering because of it. Luckily she has zero foody issues, so refuelling for her aint a biggie, but still... she's no spring chicken! i just dont want her to get too rundown. she's a superwoman for what she does, but she IS only human and we all know that it takes its toll in the long run. Its just hard cos i know she worries about money and we really are scrimping at the mo cos my dad is being a sod about cutting off her maintenance support. She didnt do very well out of their divorce and she's had to slog her guts out ever since to try and make ends meet :-(
Anyways nobody wants a moaning minnie :p so the pity party stops HERE!!! well, actually it stops here tomo night, cos me and my buddies 'm-a' (my lovely preggo friend) and her housemate are coming over for a full on 'we're single laydeeeees and lifes so haaaard, so waaaaah' style pity party!!! I cant wait, we'll have some foodage, some drinkage, probs a cheesy dvd and AHEM, i might or might not have aquired a sneaky little smokage to chill us out (and hopefully inspire some munchies for moi!) haha. And so we christen this friday, the first "pity POT party" :-p
Which to me, sounds like the perfect way to end the week!!!
YUP. bring on that friday fun people
:-)
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