ohmyholyexhaustion

Waaahh... i want to sleeeeeeep.

Ive got that typical post fun-night-out comedown, i feel tired and moochy and i cant quite decide if i want to sleep or go out and do something. So im currently wallowing in my room with the heating on full blast so its like im floating in my own little warm bubble of hot air. While its not entirely unpleasant, it does kindof give you a weird out of body, feeling and then when i get too woozy, it gives me a head-funk! oh well, i cant be arsed to change it, so.... moving on.

I had fun lastnight. But ill be honest, i feel abit blue today... i just still hate how much my ED affects my ability to just relax and have fun. im always on guard... i dont know why, im not worried about anything in particular - i just cant chill out. Im like, tense inside... in my head. Meh, its weird and its uncomfortable mentally cos it means i feel like im never fully involved in the fun, even when i AM and im bopping about doing my thing, im still sort of partly somewhere else. does anyone else get like that? i dunno if that make any sense?! but yeah... its not the nicest feeling.

this mornings' post party cleanup shenanigans!!!

URGH. i hate being a downer and so i will try not to make this a really self-pitying wallowy post. but ive got my meloncholy american indie songwriter music on and its rainy outside and i feel abit WooooOOwwoooOOoooo-ish. y'know?! haha. Im kindof bumming out cos i feel like i shud have MORE in my life. i feel like i shud be DOING fun stuff not just thinking about doing fun stuff and then bailing out cos the reality is that im too tired or i get too cold or i just don know how to act sometimes. Cos then i get angry cos when i WANT to do something fun, like plan an adventure or just hang out round someones house and i cant. The other day we were gonna do that mexican night, but then it didnt happen and i was all set to make some challenging unplanned food and i feel like i could bosh a proper "normal" meal right there and then. But then when these things fall through or its not doable, cos nobodys around or their busy or something else comes up.... i know it sounds selfish, but i get upset cos i want things to happen when I want them to happen!!! when im ready and ok and good for it... but i know i cant expect people to drop everything to please me and MY needs, thats not fair of people or of life! so i guess i have to keep on muddling through, finding my way where and when i can. I have to be able to adapt to other peoples plans, instead of expecting things on my terms all of the time....

Yesterday i had a really nice morning with the mothership... Since i barely see her at the mo, its abit weird when she's back, cos its literally for like a day and a night and then she's gone again. So when she arrived back on tues, i was out and then when i got in, it was abit awkward cos im used to coming home to an empty house. but ironically, by the time i get used to it (like by yest mornin) and we're having a lovely time... THATS when i get sad that she's off again! Its confusing and it means my feelings are abit all over the shop :-s 

Anyways, so after we chilled in the morning i went round my friend M's house to prep for the halloween party... it was a lovely day so i did abit of walking to her house (about 45mins, cos it was so nice and i felt all energised and fresh-air-y!) then we went into town and popped into some of the poundland shops to get decorations and stuff and to cash converters to get some cheapie halloween DVDs :-)

getting into the halloween "spirit"

geddit... spirit... ghosts...

oh dear ;-p

But then the isue of food and dinner came up. We went to asda to get some snacks and stuff and we were talking about getting something for dinner, but she was being so nice and saying she'd just have whatever i wanted and i dunno... i just couldnt handle it. my anorexia wanted her to say she was getting a big old pizza or something, so i could feel better about having less... but i KNOW she eats that stuff, shes been having all the choc/pizza/pancakes stuff with her new boyf, so why was i being so silly! GAH! Anyways, i bailed out and said id go home to eat and then get picked up when she picked up our other friend (who lives near me) Part of me was just like "STAY" you can get something to make together, it'll be fun... but i just didnt really feel like i could at that time and she doesnt have alot of space to cook and stuff, so i was worrying. uhhhh, so i went home instead. When i left hers it was dark so i decided i shud take the quick route home, which should have been fine in my head, cos if id stayed at hers, i wouldnt have walked AT ALL. but nooooo, i was walking and therefore the anorexia was screaming at me that i wasnt walking enough... Uhm. why???? seriously, why does it DO that??? cos i had walked a fair bit that day already, so i really didnt need to do more, but somehow because id started it, doing less than my usual minimum half hour felt so alien and wrong and lazy. i hated it and felt shitty when i got home, but im gad i DIDNT do more, i sat with it, but yeah.... it was pretty present in my thoughts.

And yeah, i wont lie... its still there, stuck in my head and im right back to feeling like i shud be doing more. Its so hard to resist cos i dont really have anything to do today and theres nobody around to stop me. but im trying really hard to justify the rest at home instead... i walked home from hers anyway and i nipped to town to get some stuff for tonight, so thats another good 45mins walk time today. which altho it is better than the hour or two that i clock up on an average working day, its still not great, when i said this half term would be a "no additional activity" break... and since im not eating as much (lunches have been replaced by snacking when i get hungry) its not doing my progress or my attempts to break through this block any favours. But then i tell myself i AM eating when im hungry... whereas in the past i wouldnt. but its still bugging me that i cant allow myself to just eat what i want when i want and just be damned with the consequences. its confusing cos im actually NOT that hungry right now, i mean i could eat and that means i know i SHOULD eat... but theres nothing thats calling out to me. nothing appeals. so i just dont. i dont want to get to dinnertime and then NOT be hungry, so i get trapped in this limbo of thinking maybe i shud eat but i dont know what or how or.... i dunno. its so complicated up in my head!

i really cant make sense of the jumble in my mind at the mo

I still feel unhealthy if i DONT do some walking, but yet i know it would be good if i could not walk. And even tho i know weight can be managed without activity, i still feel dictated by this rule of whats considered HEALTHY rather than what i could maintain on, food-wise

But then the diet part is confusing too, cos although i let myself eat, i still find it hard to eat when im not especially hungry... i still fear food. not the calories of it or what it is... but the actual SENSE of it. the feeling it gives me, the fullness, the not being hungry afterwards when i might want to eat something. 

Sometimes i think back to days when it didnt bother me. (is this healthy? probs not...) Like back when i was at 6th form college and i drank alcohol without fear of "wasted calories" and ate what i fancied or what was there or what was offerered just because it looked nice and i partied and i danced and i laughed and i didnt worry about doing x amount of stretches a week incase i "lose" tone or walk x amount or i will be "unhealthy/unfit"... i honestly didnt give a shit about any of this mess. So why cant i go back to that person...?? will i ever go back to that person?? Will i ever be able to let go of this hideous burden that blights my day to day life? Cos i want to do so much with my life but i keep putting it aside in favour of this dictated routine of an existence which quite frankly, i dont even enjoy. I resent the rules and the routines, but yet i still seek comfort in their protective safety.

So i guess what im wondering, is... 

where does the hate and love line divide? 

When will i see that this constant unhappiness is not bringing me any joy. That there IS hope outside of this... a life beyond the anorexic one. I read the stories of people saying how great it is on the "other side" and how you think back to all the times you wasted... i dont want to waste time. i wanna be on THAT side!!! But how do i get there??? cos the things i think are comforting are actually the things that bind me and hurt me... 

I want to be able to cut the ties, 

i just dont know if... or how... i can.

OH dear. Well, there went my intention of not being a downer!!! Sorry folks! i guess sometimes you're brain needs to release! I dont want anyone to worry, i mean... im ok! this isnt me giving up or even feeling bad or crap or un-capable. its just me, laying it down. feelings and shit. Yup! on a random thursday afternoon, which happens to be the FIRST of November.... Haha. is that symbolic? fuck knows!! im really not a massive believer of that "new month, new start" approach. Cos lets face it, we;ve all tried it and then by day three - when youve slipped up and feel ten times worse cos you have the guilt of "but this was my new start, waaaah" on your shoulders, its no good!!! Since in "recovery" terms ive already pissed away today by walking, not eating enough and generally not doing the things id have liked to do, im not buying the new start thing. Cos in reality every day, every minute, every BREATH is a new chance. So grab it when and where you can. Cos somedays its easier than others... you just have to hope that in the end it will be easier for more of the time!

 i hope it gets easier for most of the time.... i really need some hope to get me going!

soooo, anyone?! "hope on a plate" please?! 

go on... make my day 

:-p