midweek madness

Oh my word... could today have been any SH*TTIER?!?!?! (apologies for my language)

Okay, you got me... this is a rant. but its not all bad!!! ill try and be nice :p 

so go on... be brave and read on!

Yesterday was better with the no-walking. I am enjoying being on the moped, but my god is it still triggering to see people walking into work/school/town when im toot-tooting past on a bike. i know i shud be grateful that i HAVE the option, im sure those people would gladly trade! but for an anorexic trying to kick an over-activity habit.... its a toughie to deal with. there will always be that level of comparison. i think i will always have it. but i need to stop thinking of myself as something that can be judged next to another, cos i am unique! what i need and what other people need is never going to be exactly the same. so why do i still compare?! 

I guess cos i still struggle with "what is normal"....

i know what ISNT normal, eg: restricting food, over-exercising, fearing certain things, having rigid and unrealistic rules and routines... generally everything that falls under that "symptoms of an eating disorder" tag. But i spend so much time beating myself up for all the ED (abnormal) things i do, that i actually dont focus on trying to bring out the more normal things that i KNOW i should.

But its an ongoing battle. Im gonna try and find one 'normal' thing that i can focus on each day, where i can say F. YOU to the anorexic thoughts and do what is normal and therefore feels strange and alien. Yesterday it was taking the dog out for a walk when i got home. I had stuff i wanted to do at home (but ill admit, i did want to get some activity in) So i decided that i could go out for a ramble with the dog as long as i had no SET route, no SET time - conditions were that i had to be back within half an hour, i couldnt power walk about like a crazy loon and i had to play with her instead of dragging her along in my dust....

And i did!!! 

It was nice to get outside and it was very nice to not feel like i HAD to walk. it was weird, cos i didnt feel like my usual rules applied - maybe cos they have already been thrown so far out the window since i stopped walking to and from work, it doesnt matter so much anymore. i think since ive already cut out a good HOUR of powerwalking from my daily life, i can rationalise that its not really gonna make a massive difference. Sooo, i could have either walked fast for half an hour and got all upset and enraged (is that cos of the stress hormone released?!? i get ANGRY when i powerwalk sometimes!!!) OR i could take it slow and have a nice time with the pooch... either way - its no big comparison with what i had already cut out.... So yeah. that was good :-) Im still having some issues with eating more tho, cos ill be honest... i just dont feel like i deserve it. i havent "earned it" and often im not hungry for it. Thats gonna be a biggie. but i have to keep trying. just stopping walking isnt gonna do enough, is it??? even tho in my eyes and my EDs mind, it is already turning me into a lazy blimp. boooo :-(

Well if yesterday was hard, today was a MAJOR challenge.. Cos i got into work and realised id been put for cover in every break i had, which meant i would get about 25mins off in the WHOLE day and that would need to be spent weeing/eating/swapping books and work etc....

OH EM GEEEEEEE i was not happy!!!!

Firstly, surely its borderline ILLEGAL to make someone work without a proper break?! and when you're a teacher its even worse cos you literally are on the go NON-STOP. but my anxiety doesnt see that... Noo, it sees the fact that i wont get a break so i wont be able to walk. AT ALL. like not even into town to get some lunch (i had to nip over the road to the tescos express) So thats a whole day, NO walking whatsoever and a LOT of horrible extra lessons... Do you want fries with that????

URGH. no joke. It felt horrible!!! (sorry, i would love to tell you it was great, i felt free and liberated and have turned my back on my old anorexic ways foreverrrrrrrr! but that would be false and im not gonna lie to you lovely people!)

I was literally close to tears on a few occasions today. im tired. im stressed and im dealing with some pretty hefty challenges to my ED on top of all that!!! gah. Its safe to say im looking forwards to this week being over. like right now would be fine....

BUT, i managed to get through the day... however, by the time i left work - my god - i really needed a release... i thought itd be nice to take the dog out again, cos i felt good about that... but its been pissing with rain on and off all day and the drizzle that was going down as i set out, turned to pelting rain by the time i got to the end of the road, so i stopped and said to myself. "is this worth it?"

And of course a normal person would say, "hellllls no! turn back you big wet pansy, get warm and dry!" But my ED said, WALK WALK WALK. you havent done anything today you lazy slob. go get some walking in....

but i stopped and i deliberated and i mentally bashed myself until i finally made the right decision... 

I turned around and went home.

It hurts like hell right now, cos i feel pretty horrible after today anyways, but now i have the added bonus of having alot of battling to do with my head. Its gonna be a long evening but ill take it. I refuse to give in at this point.....

Cos i THINK i just got one step closer to "normal"

:-p