when it rains... stay indoors!!!

Morning folks!

Its another RAINY day in the uk. Meh, im not too fussed... its quite nice to have the excuse not to go and walk somewhere :p But then again it IS the last day of my half-term break and therefore id have liked to have a bit of sunshine, rather than this grey depressing BLAAAH. but i guess its pretty apt, in terms of how i feel about going back to work! it'd be fun to not get soaked everytime i attempt to leave the house! But then again...

Solution?? 

dont leave the house! 

this means i might actually get some preparation ready for tomo...

or i could just sit on the computer and faff all day!!

No, i fully intend to take that advice... Stay indoors and get ready for the onslaught of busy craziness that is the half-term run up to christmas break. After all, i already ventured out this morning and sufferend one episode of EEK!-ness. Yup, i bundled myself into my car early (dressed in my fetching sunday morning get-up of pj's tucked into my socks tucked into my converse... thats how i roll!) 

and drove to tescos to get the sunday papers and some supplies (does anyone else go in to get one thing and come out with a basket-full? im a sucker for a supermarket, its all those buy one get one free's...!)

Aaaanyway. So as im driving home in the pouring rain (and secretly being super chuffed that i drove and didnt walk to the nearest shop "cos *my ED says* its easier" instead) But as im driving my windscreen wiper suddenly flips itself round and starts grating across the windowscreen!!! im like WHOA there! i cant see for shit!!! ive had trouble with these wipers before and i was worried that if i kept wiping them, it'd fly off completely... so i drove the remainder of the journey craning to see through the rain and looking like a total noob with a very erect windscreen wiper sticking out of my car!!! Ah, only my life....

Im home now and its sooooo nice and cosy :-) i dont think i wanna leave the house again today. STUFF walking and being healthy and getting my "minimum 30mins". this whole eating disorder thing is old. im soooo incredibly bored of it. i dont want it in my life anymore, i just need to break out of those pesky chains....

Yesterday was nice, after my somewhat rambly moan-fest on thurs i slept, chilled and tried to get some perspective on the things i want and how to get them. i want to be free from these ED chains, therefore i must do the opposite of what they tell me. i must do what feels scary. i must break down the barriers. I went to the pub on friday for a lazy afternoon with my friend A. We were gonna go for lunch, but my stomach has been giving me grief since halloween and i wasnt really feeling for some unknown pub-grub that might make the "ahem" situation in my gut worse! Yes, anorexia played a part too... i wasnt feeling strong enough to brave the guilt that i knew id feel and since lunch has been somewhat replaced by snacks this week, i wasnt too ready to jump into a big pub-lunch. Anyways, so i got there abit late and some other people had rocked up too, which was nice cos i thought it was just gonna be a small one but it was good to have a group. We sat and chilled in the corner and it was relaxed and fun. Just banter and cheesy iphone videos etc. Happy days :-)

After that i went home feeling better, but still knowing that i need to do more in order to get healthy. i need to let go... I always make plans and then cant follow through with them the ay id like to cos my ED gets in the way. i hate that... i dont want to be the "flakey" girl who never follows through with plans... partly cos its shitty for the people i let down but also cos its not much fun for me either!!! 

And then to yesterday... where i had no plans in the morning so i slept in and then did a hair-mask and pampered myself abit :-) i then had plans to meet my friend and her friend in town for tea and cake. But  the friend who i dont really know, bailed out with a hangover.... My friend was pretty upset that she'd been let down by this girl again, so instead of town i just went round hers and we had tea and cake there. She is really sweet to me, but i KNOW she wants me to gain weight and get healthier... why wouldnt she, we talk about it all the time!!! But yeah, she'd bought some dairy free lemon cake, which was nice but OHmygosh it was scary to me... i dont know why cos it wasnt any higher cals than one of the cereal bars or something id have at home. but cos it as different, it got my ED's back up. i had a bite or two of one slice, but i didnt finish it... which made me sad, cos she happily ate her TWO slices. and when id arrived she'd been finishing her lunch (some pizza) why cant i be like that??? she has the same kindof figure as me (well what i WAS pre-ill, pre-ED etc) which is quite pencil shaped, tall and thin but not very curvy! But i just dont believe that id be lucky enough to go back to that... which is mad. i guess its that self-doubt thing again... not thinking id deserve to be that lucky... that surely id have to struggle in SOME way. Urhhh i hate my head sometimes :-(

Anyways, we had a nice catch-up and i eft feeling more positive about trying to gain weight. i mean if SHE can eat all that stuff, why cant i??? She had an upset stomach too but was trying to eat more cos she didnt want to lose any weight. i was like GAAAAH! thats how i shud be thinking, instead of having this stupid warped ideal of eating less = better.

It reminded me of a quote i read: "you are not worth less because you eat more and you are not worth more because you eat less..."

Eating less doesnt make me better or healthier or happier... far from it! it makes me weak and miserable and vulnerable to further ED onslaught. If i really want to fight this, i need to fight it with strength and power. Cos the biggest power i have over my ED is the power to EAT. And the more i eat, the weaker the anorexia is... right??? so surely that should be incentive enough to chow down... Oh, you'd think so.

But then i fall back to square one. ITS very HARD! Im not being dramatic... but my GOD its hard to eat sometimes. and its hard to listen to reason when you are feeling as helpless as a kitten in the face of a lion. its hard to fight a battle that has been so strong for so long....

But everytime i read about someones recovery and how much BETTER it feels to be healthy and not in debt to this horrible disease, i edge a step closer to that. Sure its still incredibly hard to dissasociate the feelings of guilt and not being healthy, but i have to trust. I have to believe. That there IS a better life than this. that the way i am now is not worth pursuing in the longterm... cos i really dont think there can be anything worse than a life of anorexia. Its certainly not something i want to prolong unecessarily... and if that means that i have to be bigger or less active or what i perceive as unhealthy (which im pretty sure isnt true, its just the lies that my ED feeds me in order to keep me within its control) The so be it.

i WANT to do this. i NEED to do this.

i guess the next step is just to actually DO it! Urhhhhhhhhhh. please please please let me be brave enough to tackle this journey without giving up and running scared....