Ok clem. and BRREEEEEEEAAAATHE.
I did it... I took the moped in this morning! and you know what?
I bloody LOVED it!!! It was so much nicer to have extra time in the morning to eat my brekkie and have some laptop-time, then whoosh.. i was on my way and in about 5 mins (no joke, these wheels are FAST!!!) i was at school, yayyyyy :-)
It felt good, altho i did feel a little edgy when i got in... but since monday is a crazy busy day, i didnt have too much time to dwell on it. But i did notice that as i made my way upto my form-room, it was nice to notice that i wasnt already feeling tired and achey and exhausted as i have been feeling so much lately... thats gotta be a good thing, my bodies gonna thank me for that, right?! (just please not by ballooning in weight :-s BAH! anorexic much?!?! soz)
Come lunchtime, i was starting to feel a bit stressed about having done no "formal" walking. I mean im still active at work. by 12pm ive taught 3 classes back to back without a break (altho i did have my snacktime biccies mid-lesson... hah!) But yeah, I wasnt feeling that hungry and so fighting that little guilty niggle in my head was hard. I will say, i DID go out for a walk... cos i wanted to get some fresh air and i needed to buy lunch. But in persepective, its nothing i wouldnt normally do. Im not gonna be able to sit on my tush and never move... So i went into town and walked about, the usual route. Still not normal, still faster than other people, still driven, but some things are hard to change. Ok, i also did a BIT more on the way back... added in a big hill to make me feel abit "better" about lunch. i know, i know. thats not the way to do it. but this was my first day...
And im trying to focus on the positives instead of beating myself up all the time. SO, it was a positive because i went back and HAD lunch!!! i had to have some energy for my afternoon lessons and a staff meeting. bish bash bosh. all fine again....
Until home-time... it started off ok, cos when i would normally be powerwalking home i actually went and got my speedy little moped and scootaaaaayed home in a jiffy. result.
hmmm. well. kindof.
Cos as soon as i got home (the mumatron as there) i started to get antsy about having basically cut out an HOUR of fast walking from my day. my ED started bitching at me for being lazy and unhealthy. urgh... THEN the mothership said she'd bought me a dairy free pastry for my tea. UGH UGH UGH!!! panic panic panic, cant cope. must not give in. want to try and be brave.
EAT THE FUNKING PASTRY.
Was this a success?? i dunno. cos now im all weirdy and upset and i feel bad and guilty and blegh. I wanted mum to eat the other one but she didnt want to. So i felt fat and bad and greedy. so i said she HAD to have it as her pudding later.... but that doesnt make me feel any better. if anything i feel bad for trying to "feed" her. ARGH! but then i feel bad for feeding myself, cos i feel like i havent "earned" it through being active. Ohh, i dont know what to think you guys... im a headfu** right now :-s
But i guess that my friends, is why im here! i can always count on you to reassure and calm me down.... even typing this out has (in a way) chilled my head out. i just need to focus on the bigger picture. cos i WANT to gain weight. i NEED to gain weight. this is the right thing. i have to stop exercisisng and eat more-its simple mathematics! i need to listen to the truth and not the warped ED lies... cos one pastry does not a fat girl make. and doing less exercise does NOT make me lazy.
i am allowed to rest and i am allowed to eat. its okay.
it doesnt make me a bad person
So now i just have to repeat this until i feel ok again. which might take a while. urghhhhhhh i hate this feeling! but i know i need to go through it in order to gain some freaking weight. Especially after this weekend, everytime i do fun things and we take pics, i see how ridiculously thin i still am. i feel stupid for letting this go on for so long and not just DOING it... like eating and shit. why dont i just EAT more. its not rocket science.... its EATING!!!!! its just so hard when everyone around you is trying to lose weight or tone up or whatever. Its a freaking trigger minefield! not to mention the fact that we have it inbuilt into our brains these days that its bad to do no exercise and eating cake and sweets is bad. Not that people listen to that religiously, but i do. i cant help it. its like i think ill die if i break the "rules" or something. But frankly, how long have i been "trying" to recover? TOO darned long, especially since my weight has remained pretty much the same the whole time.
GAH!!!! ok, im off to distract myself.... i will post my weekend shenanigans when i have more time. but there ARE pics and it was lotsa fun. but thats all youre getting for now. hehehe :p
Hi clem! I am so proud of you and please keep doing this-it's right for you! At this stage, what is healthy for u is no exercise...food is just ur medicine. Hope to hear that you manage to do a walk free week soon:)
ReplyDeleteI am proud of you that you took the moped. That is a big step. And dont feel bad about it, that you didnt walk to school. You are doing your body a good thing. While many have to psuh themselves to go for a half an hour walk... you have to control yourself, to NOT go for that half an hour walk.
ReplyDeleteNohting bad will happen if you dont exercise. Trust me.
And its good that you are focusing on the positive thing, that you DID eat lunch and that you DID take the moped, even if you did go for a walk during lunch... atleast you did do 'good' things as well.
But each time you feel you want to go for a walk... ask yourself..'why'? Most of the time it will be because of anxiety and you want to compensate... but that is not right.
You should want to go for a walk because you find it relaxing, or you need to just get a break from things. Of course, i find going for a walk helps with anxiety... but i dont get anxiety about food or what ive eaten...?
And remember, even if you dont exercise it is STILL OK to eat. Like you said, you NEED to gain weight... so will walking loads and not eating enough help with that? No, not really.
And also, you dont gain 2kg in a day, and you dont lose 2kg in a day... it all takes time. You might actuall realise, that it IS incredibly hard to gain wieght... its not as easy as you think it is....
Do what is best, you know whats right. So why not follow that. Instead of listening to the voice that controls you... you have to step out of your comfort zone... step out of your normal routine to get ebtter.
And that is very hard... it isnt easy. But it does get better/easier in time.
Trust me on that.
You are doing a grea tjob, continue to challenge yourself xxx
I think you are doing so well darling
ReplyDeleteyou are setting challenges and ok, they may not be 100% success but can you realistically expect them to be? I don't think so..the biggest success is that you are starting to branch way out of your comfort zone and there will be anxiety and tears along the way, it's part of it and natural. My CBT nurse said she'd be more concerned if it were easy and I didn't react as I do and the same applies.
Keep pushing through, you are strong and you CAN DO THIS.
xxx