relief?!

So its friday... Finally we've reached the end of the week and boy am i glad!!

Cos, this weekend i will be picking up my moped and by Monday, i will NO LONGER be walking to work and back!! ohmygodthatisSOscarybutimkindofrelievedatthesametime.

Yup, I think the time has come to accept that my attempts at recovery have not exactly been fully-fledged. I have tried to cut back on walking, i tried to eat more to cover the additional activity, i feel like i tried every way of getting around it... but the cold hard truth of the matter is there in front of me:

I am compulsive about exercise 

i am ruled by it, i am hurt by it and whichever way you dress it up, its still there...

I cant let it win anymore - cos frankly

i am bloody fed up of it!!!

So now marks the start of a more CONCIOUS approach to recovery, no more skirting around the issue. i need to quit this exercise thing cold turkey. Cos once i start feeling less like im driven by some force making me do this, i will be able to take back some of ME. i can start making my own choices again... and thats gonna be the start of my new beginning. no quibbles from mister ED in the corner, he's been put on the naughty step - soon to be banished to outer mongolia... haha, SEEYA!

Even this afternoon, when i got out of work and did my usual walk home i felt abit different. i felt empowered! I had to pick up my tax disc in town so instead of marching in, i strolled! i browsed the shops! i didnt push my way through desperate to maintain speed and distance. It stopped. I stopped! Now i feel like the pressure has been lifted, i am going to embrace the fact that i dont have to DO anything. i can stroll if i want to, i can sit and have a coffee if i want to... i looked in the mirror today and i reminded myself of how much i NEED to change. i hate the way i look, genuinely i think i look gross. I so want to be able to feel good in my skin again... its been a while :-(

Even today at work, we had a non-uniform day for children in need and i felt almost jealous of all the kids in their home clothes. I couldn't even be bothered to make the effort to wear anything different, partly cos i dont like how i look in my nice clothes but partly cos im embarrassed. Urh, its gotta stop.

I know i keep saying this, but i still have days when im so torn. im scared of changing, scared of what my body will do, scared that i will be different....the exception to the recovery rule?? (os who HASNT throt that? come on anorexia - get a new trick) But sadly, that trick works. it keeps us trapped in fear, cos basically what im scared of, is "loosing control". which is farcical cos lets be honest, what control do i really have now? im a gibbering wreck if i have to eat something different or eat at a different time to usual. i mean Purrlease! does that sound like a woman in control???!? uhmmm, in a word... Nope!

So, heres my chance to actually DO something about this. i cant blame the need to walk. the only "need" is in my head. In a perfect (ip?!) world, i wouldnt be doing anything at all... but i still will be to a certain extent. i am still active just by being alive and being AT work! but that is activity by neccessity, the rest stops. Im must be strong.

Any advice or support or just general "i gave it up and it didnt kill me!!!" messages would be fab right now... dont be shy. Call me shellfish (selfish) but i feel like i could do with a few "just do it - it will be ok" type stories. 

I know i have to do this and i know it wont be the end of the world. But something tells me its sure as hell gonna feel like it!!!

Enjoy the weekend guys!

xx