With Eyes Closed I Look Closer: waking up

its funny how, when you really open up your eyes to something, all of a sudden you start to see things in a different light...

I was thinking about my blog title: "with eyes closed i look closer"... and it made me think about my recovery so far. I realise that i have been walking around blindly for some time now. I knew i wanted to get better, i pretty much knew what i had to do, but yet i was still blinded. Its like this bright, disorientating, all-consuming glare that ED shone directly at me, forcing me to stumble and go off track because i wasnt strong enough to just close my eyes and TRUST. Sure, I tried to shield my eyes but it was too strong... so for a while i kept walking around, not quite knowing where i was going, unable to direct myself fully. I was desperate for the strength to just let go of this half-life and let my eyes close, to rest, to recover and to see what might lie on the other side....

could i really just BE???

well the answer my friends, is yes.... we all can! Its not easy thats for sure. but when you come to terms with the fact that unless you want to let this illness ruin everything that WAS dear to you (cos naturally the disorder has made you forget those things, convincing you in favour of a life "enjoying" calorie counting, over-exercise and endless self-punishment...) then you have to let go. You have to TRY... cos if you dont try, well... you'll just never know! And i had been feeling this for a while back home, but it took this trip to really make me change. I knew i would be faced with the challenge of trying new foods and being less active and potentially *gasp* having FUN!!! Well i wanted a slice of that. and so i took it... simple as that! i stopped my exercise/stretching habits cold turkey (i knew id never be able to do this at home on my lonesome) i grew some balls and tried the foods offered to me, even if they werent always what i liked... But i wouldnt know unless i tried and im glad i did, cos i also found alot of things i DID like!! It was nice to be able to decide what i wanted to eat, not what the ED would approve of :-)

So on to the gritty stuff. Today i faced a new challenge... for the first time since i got here, i was alone for the day. Now youre probably thinking, jeez what a BABY. but whenever i have free (empty) time, i dont know what to do with myself. If im with other people, im ok. i can feel ok sitting and watching a film or driving around or just having a nap...! but on my OWN, it feels like i shud be doing something, that everyone else must be doing something, therefore i am lazy to be just sitting about on my own. I cant allow myself to relax....

BUT, since coming here i have started to see just how distorted my perception of my activity levels were. i thought that i didnt do that much cos i only stretched and walked. But when i think about the fact that i stretched religiously every morning and felt crappy if i didnt, then i see it was unhealthy... when i think about the fact that i would go out of my way to walk longer distances than necessary, to walk until i could "feel" it... that i see it was unhealthy. it was punishment. a way to feel like i could earn the right to be alive and present. (something that i struggle with, i never feel like its ok to just be me)

So today presented the opportunity to try to implement my newfound relaxation! and altho i DID go outside and get some fresh air... it was a short stroll, rather than a half hour powermarch! i looked around, i stopped when i felt tired and i turned back when i decided id had enough nature for today!

AMAZING!!!! i felt so free, i didnt feel like i had to do a "set" amount of time (i didnt even have a watch on me!) i didnt feel like i had to find hills or steps to make it a "proper" walk. i just wandered, enjoying the feel of the warm american sun.... i felt happy :-)

Ok, so im sure you're thinking, yup, here comes the "sunshine and rainbows" bit. recovery done now?ok, great.... blah blah blah....

but im not stupid!

contrary to what this pic may tell you!!

I know this illness is FAR more deep-rooted and difficult than that! Im under no illusions that this is the hard part over and now its all downhill... its not. Im still finding it hard to eat without thinking about calories and choosing healthy vs unhealthy and comparing to what other people have etc. BUT, im not letting it rule my choices as much. Im away from home, away from the things that i feel comfortable with and thats hard! but it helps. cos i have to push myself every day and im actually starting to enjoy that sense of "not knowing"... scary as it is, there IS no "safety net" for me here. i am out of my stupid fake "comfort zone" and to be honest, i dont ever wanna go back to it! cos i know now, that its NOT REAL....

but what is real is

life.

friends.

experiences.