oh deeeeaar

So i might have gone on a little detour into town and possibly bought a few things i didnt really need all for the sake of distracting myself away from sitting at home all day....

OOPS!!!

Oh well, nobody's perfect eh?! And i did get some bargains :-)

this cute h&m strawberry print dress is now £3!!! beauty

i already have a pair of these fold-up gap shoes from last season 

totally portable... they are the shizz

did i mention i have a minor dress-addiction?! check out my wardrobe, its getting bad...

this was from dorothy perkins and only cost £9!

But despite all these little GEMS, unfortunatly my adventure didnt really help with having a set structure for my day and im kindof embarrassed to say that i let the old "weekend" badhabits slip in.

It started cos i woke up late (like 11am) i was super tired and i just felt like i needed to lie in... when i did get up, i did some lights stretches (im winding down cos ive told myself im stopping as of america) and then i uhmed and ahhed about what to do with my day. Finally decided that town would be the best bet, hopped in the shower, got ready and had my breakfast.

Now all this would've be fine... if i wasnt having my breakfast at about 12:30pm....

BAD CLEM

:-(

So needless to say this threw off the days snacks and meals and as usual my hunger cues were non-existant and because i find it hard to eat when nobody is with me and im not hungry therefore i dont think i need to eat.... i did nothing to MAKE them appear. stupidstupidstupid.

Im not writing off today tho. cos i did manage to get my ass back into positive EAT mode when i got home... but like times before, i could already feel myself getting antsy about having to eat now when id have to eat again later. (durrr, this sounds so dumb when i write it out. funny how the brain talks nonsense isnt it?!) Yeah so i quickly identified this garbled CRAP, id seen it before and it could only mean one thing... ED - ALERT!!! Haha. Oh yes, i can spot them a mile off now... i shud have a freaking siren that i can flash. i saw it comin and i knew it'd be cue for some strong "brain-bashing" i needed to get back some sort of a hold over my irrational negative thoughts. And a good way to do that is to FUEL the healthy mind with the food that will squash that nasty monster down and quieten those negative thoughts down. i did. and guess what.... i felt better!

I now have to work out how to get my eats up to a higher standard tomo. This is where i mess up everytime... i KNOW i ate plenty yesterday on the unit, but somehow that felt ok, whereas today it feels like too much... i dunno why, but when im trying to meet that same number on my own especially when ive missed snacks and meals during the day, i find it TEN times harder and i struggle to do it. its very frustrating.

But i wont let it get any stronger, thats for sure... so its just a case of getting back on top of it. Im ignoring any negative thoughts, i have my list of positive self-worth sayings so im going to bash them out and probably when i feel strong again, ill try to set myself a challenge to regain the balance... to prove that IM the one in charge not the anorexia. 

Since i wont have met my target today, im gonna aim to have a fear food dinner to make up some of those lost cals and i really must stick to my MP as fully as possible tomo. It makes me feel worse cos i know i walked today too... even though the ED says it wasnt "proper" walking cos it was in and out of shops, stop-starting and not the usual intensity. it was still moving around and not sat on my bum at home... therefore WALKING. urgh, i hate trying to battle the exercise thing. its so bloody hard to find a happy balance. i like walking, but its not good for me right now. i must try harder. i do NOT need to be active to this extent everyday... its not normal and its certainly not healthy for someone trying to recover from anorexia.

Anyways. ONWARDS to tomorrow... the mumatron comes home late morning, so that should help with accountability (not that she makes me eat... but i do feel more structured) Im seeing one of my friends who is finding his depression a struggle at the mo. hopefully i can cheer him up :-) And then last but not least (priorities people!) i need to get my shizz sorted and ready to pack up before i fly out to the states on sunday. ooohyeah, the HAPPY FACE is back ON!!! ahhh. i know its been said before but....

 i cannot wait 

:-)

ok, thats it. im trying hard not to be a broken record!!

Peace out People

x