bosh

Well its kindof inevitable that such a high couldn't last forever!

I bummed out yesterday... it was a weird day anyways. my routines were all changed around and that made me very apprehensive of the day as a whole. We had our senior school prize giving ceremony at the town hall, which meant we had no afternoon school (yay!) but also it meant that we left school in the middle of lunchbreak... which meant i would have to eat my lunch a good 45mins earlier than usual and therefore only about an hour after my snack (boo).

Not cool.

In reality, its no biggie. i mean, id be eating the food anyways right?! ah yes. logic, that'll make me feel better - NOT. Cos in my head, 45mins early makes a big old wedge of a difference. i was torn as to what to do... my ED made the decision that i should have less morning snack than usual and then instead of a full lunch i should just have my crisps etc. How did it come up with this silly conclusion?! well, if i was eating earlier id have to have less snack so i was hungry to eat earlier, but then id have to have less at lunch, cos it wasnt actually lunchtime.

makes sense???? HELLS no it doesnt!!!

Well luckily my rational brain hopped in soon after my reduced morning snack to say: 

"umm, hold on a min, how is this right? im doing all the same things id be doing in the day, yet im eating less.... eh??" 

and i was able to claw my nasty ED feelings away long enough to go and buy that bloody sandwich and have my full lunch. Phew. I recognised the flaw in my disordered thinking and i BOSHED it out of sight! it helped that i knew full well that if i restricted morning snack AND lunch, then more than likely i would consequently feel the need to restrict afternoon snack and dinner and end the day feeling crappy physically and emotionally..... no ta. i like to eat now, dontcha know.

So thats what i did... i ate. it wasnt easy and there were a few "ohmygaaad why am i doing this when it feels WRONG". But i did it anyway cos i knew it was the right thing to do... and when i went to the prize giving and sat through 2hours of boredum, i did it with that little sneaky feeling of elation, cos i wasnt sat there obsessing about how hungry i was (and thats one up on last years ceremony!!!)  i was ok! 

However, with such good deeds, come inevitable fallouts....

As i was almost home, i saw the mumatron with the pooch. weird? not really, she normally walks the dog around that way. BUT i thought she was supposed to be in london all day yest. so i wasnt expecting to see her... and it threw me. BIG time.

i dont know why, i think it was cos when im walking home with my headphones on, im in my own little bubble... i dont really take in whats around me cos its my "me" time. im deep in thought (often battling through recovery stuff - as if i have space in my head for anything else right?!) and so that sudden shock kindof messed me up. abit like when you wake someone up when they're sleepwalking. i was jolted and i got a surge of incredible anxiety and panicked. I had to actually tell mum i needed to walk away and come home by myself (which was abit mean... but i needed to separate myself) I just went a different route home, but the anxiety was still there and as soon as i got home, it heightened. I started noticing things that werent quite right around the house, it all felt wrong and I felt wrong. So i freaked. full on panic attack which was obviously very hard for mum.... i wont boil it all down to the what's and hows. but it wasnt nice. but... we got through it! we talked it out abit and I was able to dust myself off and get on with the rest of the evening... it was just a little blip moment after a hard day. I told myself... but i acknowledged that when im in that moment, i feel truly empty and disconnected and "faulty". i realise that i better start working on some positive self-talk to get me away from those feelings of disassociation when they crop up, otherwise the feelings that im bad and broken will just spiral until i feel awful. So, positive self talk... where to start. well WEIRDLY,  right now!! Cos we covered in one of the groups at the unit today!!! (i swear they have spies following me, how else would they know?!?) So now i have a whole pile of handouts and lists of stuff to read. FUN. Good thing its the last day of school tomo... looks like ill have some summer homework of my own :-p

Im back on track and feeling good again today. I know my trip to America is a major motivator for me right now... and ive come so far since last year, i refuse to let this illness affect my holiday! So on that note, im gonna toot my trumpet and share one of my positive qualities (pop this one on the list!)

I always aim to see the good in things. Even if i am struggling, i dont dwell on the past but look instead to the future... I use my experiences to help me, rather than as a way of holding me back. So yesterday was difficult, but i came through the other side. i learnt from it. I know that each time i face a struggle i gain strength from it... its that strength that will help me fight this illness once and for all.

:-)