is this madness? or happiness?!?!

I dunno what just came over me today...

i feel so freaking alive!!!! i dont feel horrible and frustrated and down like i normally do on the weekends.... ohmyGAAAD i feel like i could do just about anything!

Last night i "almost" had a melt-down-moment. I was just about to start making my dinner after sitting and helping mum for abit. She was super stressed (as always) and was effing and blinding about not being able to print something off her ipad, but i tried to remain detached and didnt let myself get dragged into it. (cos whenever she gets angry i always end up thinking its my fault) Well then just as i casually asked what she was gonna make for dinner (mistake, obvs!) she started flipping out and saying she was feeling sick and didnt want to eat anything. i was like "uhmmmmmm" (whilst in my head, drastically trying to stop myself from going ED-sane!) she just went ON and ON about how she doesnt want to eat all the time and its not fair cos sometimes she feels like she HAS to eat cos of me. i tried not to react but holy HELL it was hard... i had to say to her that this kindof talk was very triggering for me and for her to say that to me was not the most help, especially when im about to make my dinner, therefore pretty darned vulnerable.... ill admit, i did get abit ranty... and guess what - she rose to the bait and fought back. She got angry and i got angry and i could see where this was going, but then i took a stant... i said STOP! i just couldnt do it. i knew if it carried on it would influence my meal and all the rest of the evening and probably the rest of the weekend... like it always does. Well i was just NOT prepared to do that again after id had such a productive day (i even made my own lunch... all on my own... and sat outside having it while reading my book, score!!) So i said we needed to drop it and distract. which luckily (and thank GOD) she did and got back onto talking about some other problem that she couldnt sort out on her phone/printer/comp.... For some reason this always manages to calm me down (maybe cos im so used to it!!) But it gets my focus off whatever ED thing is going on in my head, and gives me the time to get back into the driving seat and kick that stupid ED out the window :-)

YAY!!! 

right?!?!

well today i carried on with this positivity... its like im not even trying, its just alot easier somehow? maybe cos i know i have a goal to reach and i want to be a better weight by america and stuff... its just kicked things up a gear for me. and im bloody glad, cos ive been dragging my heels in this stupid rut for too long.

So we had decided to get up and walk the dog together in the morn (which i told myself would be a perfect way to avoid being drawn into doing my stretches... which i avoided yest and was determined to avoid today!) Well as we got up, it became very clear that if we were gonna go outside, we would be facing torrential flood style rain. Hmpfh. So instead we just nipped over to the shop to get the sunday papers... i thought this would make me feel incredibly anxious about eating breakfast (id promised mum id have it at a decent time, sat downstairs with her instead of in my room...) but i was ok!!! i have to admit, afterwards i felt like i shud be doing SOME activity with my day. but it was so rainy, i told myself not to worry about it. In fact, to prove myself that i could, after id cleared away my bowl etc.. i decided to be spontaneous again and so i had a piece of toast with marmalade. Mum was shocked to say the least!!!

Anyways, after a nice lazy morning, mum headed off to her friends house for lunch. Id been invited too, but i think thats just abit much for today. Plus i wouldnt have anything to do there... and if im going to be sat about all day, id rather it was in my own house with my stuff, where i can do something i like to do instead of watching the tennis with them! Soooo, mum said that cos i had tried so hard with breakfast and all that, she would leave the dog and i could take her for a short walk (eg. the same as the one we would have done in the morning) Yipeeee! altho as i looked out of the window at the small lake forming in our garden, i wondered whether this was actually more of a punishment that a treat!! :-)

As it happened, it stopped raining soon after she left and i thought... better hop on it now! So i popped my wellies on and took an umbrella just in case and off we went. Pretty much as soon as we'd crossed over the main road heading to the field, it started to rain... i hung it out cos it wasnt too bad, but as we got about halfway, it was bucketing!!! now this is where the weirdness kicks in... cos usually, id be pissed that my walk was ruined by rain and get more and more angry and frustrated and then ED would take over. but this time, i dunno... i couldnt stop smiling! i had my ipod on and i was singing along at the top of my voice and there wasnt anyone else about but me and the pooch (who was SOAKED, bless her!) and i looked at her and she looked at me and did this litttle doggy dance that she does when she knows that things are just going to start getting funny... and i just burst out laughing. we must've looked like such a pair! I was getting pretty drenched but it wasnt cold, so i just thought SOD IT im gonna have some fun!!!! and so we skipped and span and hopped and cartwheeled and generally acted like a pair of crazies and it was SO MUCH FUN!!!!! 

i was singing along to my music without a care if anyone heard and i never felt so alive... i swear it felt like coming up out of the sea and feeling the waves break and getting that first gulp of air. it was freaking amazing!!!! 

Anyways. Im home and dry... after i bundled everything into the dryer and danced about abit more in my bra and pants :-p Now im thinking for some lunch. Yes i still feel abit like, ooh do you NEED lunch... but im not listening to that voice anymore. im starting to think that THATS the thing thats kept me from feeling this happy, free, alive feeling for so long. well it can swivel! id much rather have a MINUTE of that exhiliration in return for a decade of "look how good i am at not eating..." cos everyone i passed on my walk looked at me grinning like a maniac and grinned back. whereas frankly WHO CARES if ive managed to not eat my lunch, is that an achievement? is that gonna get me a smile....?!?! hells NO!

Everything just seems to be working out abit better for me mentally at the moment, im aware that i have gone through "up" phases before. but i have always been too scared to grab them by the balls and MAKE them work for me... so this time, im prepared that it may not be indefinite... im not better yet, but this is a chance to get myself to the next level of recovery! and i know better that to look a gifthorse in the mouth! Sorry that the pic of me isnt exactly doing my new haircut justice... it looked SO nice before i ventured outside :p I will try and take a better one tomo....

Enjoy your sunday lovely readers. And if a crazy-looking, soaking wet person smiles at you today... 

SMILE BACK!!!! 

and know that they've probably been doing cartwheels in the rain too 

:-)