a reflection on 'being rubbish'

I just posted the biggest ramble on my friends' blog.

here is what i wrote:

Oh god, i am feeling the same uncertain blah-ness. one minute ill be so happy that i have a good job and that im making a difference as a teacher, then ill flip and be like this isnt what i want to do... its keeping me stuck in routines and im trapped in my day-today routine which stops me from doing anything, literally ANYTHING. i panic about the most ridiculously stupid things. like what time i should get up if i want to go to the supermarket. but should i go before or after my breakfast, should i walk. i must walk. i have to eat more, i want to eat all those lovely things you just had at zizzis but i cant tho, surely... thats too nice, i dont deserve nice food. i shud just have what i normally have. no wait, its the weekend. i cant have lunch on the weekends. why not? i dont know. why cant i be normal with this. i know i need to eat. my head feels like t will brust cos im so tense and stressed out with the pressures of trying to gain weight the "right" way. i cant help myself, but i refuse to accept help. the doctors think maybe i shud try antidepressants but im scared that they will make me fat and take away my sense of control. the docs say they would make it easier to cope with stuff.... i dont know. my friend gave me one of her diazepam pills but i wont take it, cos im scared and now ive read about so many nasty side-effects i convince myself that its better to do this solo, but each day i go through the same battles and cant quite beat them. so whats the point? am i changing? i dont even know. sometimes i think im better but then i think my heads just tricking me. i realise ive just rambled ALL over your post so im going to stop now. maybe i shudve just posted this babble-fest on my OWN blog. oh crap, now i feel selfish and rude. im sorry. im going to go now... might just copy and paste it onto my blog all the same. i guess it might remind me of what an eejit i am.

My god i didnt know i had so much gaaaah in me! I think this says alot, cos i really did just start typing and suddenly it all starting spilling out. How i dont feel like i can do this, that my attempts at recovery are flawed, like me. that i am useless and stuck and i dont want to be here anymore, trapped in this non-moving state. i want freedom and i want a life full of fun and laughter. but i seem to STILL find it so bloody hard to shift away from my safety habits.

What is it gonna take to get me to change? i dont know what else i can do... im seriously tempted to take up my doctors offer to try some anti-depressants. cos even tho im scared to take them in case they mess my body up even more. whats the alternative? i cant seem to just leap into recovery like other people can. i dream about days where i could go and eat whatever i wanted and not stress about calories and allowances or whether it meets my MP, even tho i still cant stick to that 100% anyways... id love to wake up and start the day WITHOUT worrying about being active and getting in a slightly "longer" or "harder" walk. where i can do stuff without making a walking trip out of it. But i cant see that happening. I dont know HOW to do it... My T says that if i gained some weight, my head wouldnt worry about it so much.. but i dont really believe that. surely id feel even MORE compulsed to walk in order to keep my weight in check?? i just dont trust it... cos i have no evidence to back it up :-s

Example: Lastnight i realised id run out of one of my meds, so i wud have to get a repeat prescrip... my doctors surgery is closed on sundays, so i decided to go to boots (which opens at 10:30) 

In theory this shud have been fine. i mean i have all day... im not doing anything! but yet the anxiety in me said that i HAD to do this first. before breakfast (not before stretching tho, haha... typical!) But the sensible part of me reminded my ED that i had till 4pm to get them, so i mustnt stress. I wish i could listen to that part of my head more... I woke up at 9:30 and stretched and stuff, then i decided id walk in to get there for 10:30. I started off on the quickest route in. cos i didnt NEED to walk. but as i was on my way, i bumped into one of the pyschologists from the unit. we had a chat and stuff (shes really nice and probs only a year or two older than me) which was cool. but after that i was like, oh... my mission has been diverted. so i diverted it more. i didnt go straight to boots, even tho it was 10:30 by now and i really should have. i went a longer way round, delaying any way i could. down the high street, up a steep hill and then through town to boots. WHY??? i dont even know. as i walked up that hill and felt half good (elation endorphins) and half crappy (guilty concience) i asked myself out loud. why are you DOING this???? and i couldnt really even answer. its just inbuilt. i dont know why i walk. i cant seem to not. i just always need to feel like im pushing myself in order to feel ok. i cant just "be". i think i punish myself for having been sick and weak befoe. so when i push it, i dont feel weak... even tho ironically. i DO. cos its exactly what MAKES me feel weak. stupid really....

Im sorry that this has been a somewhat random blab of a post. i guess the truth always comes out on the weekends... cos i can get on with stuff during the week. distraction is a powerful coping method! I can convince myself that im fine cos im busy and working and i dont notice the "she's scary skinny" thing. but then when i stop. i cant hide from the truth. i can pretend this isnt who i am. I see things abit more clearly. and i dont like the view... cos i see what im missing out on. i see everyone else making plans and doing nice things and i look at myself and see nothing. I feel as flat as a pancake.

I dont want to feel crappy and negative and lord knows ill feel better when i get this SHIT sorted and that is one thing that drives me on. but is it enough??? im not doing ENOUGH. argh. i hate my stupid overthinking self sometimes. why do i make things so complicated... if i could just be a good compliant patient and listen to my doctors advice, maybe id be out in the sunshine right now, playing frisbee with friends, or sat in a coffee shop eating some delicious cake, or even just lying in bed nursing a hangover from a blinding good night out the night before. anything would be better than just sitting here thinking thinking thinking. its too much sometimes...  

please will someone press the standby-button... 

i need to TURN MY BRAIN OFF!!!!