update

And im back again! here's a little pop-in update to let you know whats going down in USA-town!

at the beach... 

and no, i dont know what im doing here either!

Its so nice being out here, i feel like i can finally let myself go and be free to do what I want.... there has been NO stretching, NO exercise... seriously, we hardly even walk! we get in the car and drive places and thats ok, cos i am busy and having fun and being with other people. i dont have time to sit and stress and if i do, i just remind myself that im with my friends and they are beautiful and wonderful people and they do this everyday!!!

So there have been alot of lazy morning lie-ins and then lazy afternoon naps and late nights and sponataneous food options and just general LIVING! i feel like i have come so far, i dont feel like i have to be driven by my disorder anymore... it still niggles me, but i can honestly say that my world hasnt falled apart cos i havent exercised for a week. in fact, scarily... i weighed myself and i havent gained, which is a worry cos i have a taget weight to met pretty much as soon as i get back to the UK. I dont know how realiable the scales are here, plus i dont want to be weighing myself. but i know that i wont gain weight by just trying the occasional treat and then not eating enough the rest of the time. i wont gain weight just because ive stopped walking either. i will only gain weight if i EAT MORE.

so that is what im going to try and step up. eating more consistently instead of just having bits and bobs of fear foods. it may be fine for my friends to maintain there weight by sleeping alot of the day and only eating occasonially but when they do it being high cal, junk type food. but not for me. i need to keep on with the snacks and extras. im trying not to let myself fall into the comparison trap, measuring up what they have in cals vs what i have.... but it IS hard. they have alot of spur of the moment stuff, like a dunkin donut with their coffee (dairy free me cant have this, so i miss out...) but then i forget that theyve had extra and therefore i shud be catching up.

HARD!!! 

but i dont wanna start beating myself up about little things, cos i really feel VERY positive about this step away from my ED... i feel more in control than i have in a long long time. i am able to accept and look forwads to having food, even scary foods! and the fact that i havent given into any urges to be more active is probably the biggest step for me. cos i know i can get my eating up. but its always come down to being less active and allowing myself to laze about, relaxing and letting other people drive me places instead of walking. THAT is something i dont think i would have been able to crack without this trip... and that is something im 100%superduperreallyreally wanting to continue when i get home. i must cut back everything so that i do not find myself slipping into old routines. i must continue with THIS routine. until i feel strong enough to re-inrtoduce walking and yoga etc back into my life. 

lets face it, i still have alot of weight to gain and i cant risk letting bad habits back in to trip me up. im not strong enough to tackle them face on just yet....

For all of you who are struggling with things that you cant quite seem to see the end of. just remind yourself that you are a strong human being, and you can overcome ANYTHING if you put your mind to it!!!

Take care lovelies and spk soon 

xx