first day

ok, im home.

i survived my first day in the unit.

it was weird. it was full on. it was FILLING!!! but i feel like its progress.

I wont do a whole big post on it today cos im still getting my head round it and im pretty beat, but i will give you a brief overview. i am gonna talk about peoples behaviours and stuff, obvs it will be nameless! but i dont wanna trigger anyone...

so BASICALLY, there are 5 of us on the unit this week (one girl apparently left) 3 of them started last week and then me and another lady started today. There are two older ladies, one 18yr old and another one who is young-ish but i didnt ask her age.

• Older one 'a' is nice and friendly, but has had this illness for a long time...
• Older one 'b' is VERY underweight, scarily so and she looks so much older. she also has a kindof agoraphobia thing, so this is the first time shes been out in ages. scary. (she started today too)
• 18 year old is very sick, she really struggles and at the moment is only having milk or hot chocolate... it upsets me to see someone so young who is so entrenched in the illness, she barely has the strength to pick up a cup, yet she cant bring herself to eat....
• the other girl is super down on herself. she basically thinks she is useless, has no friends, no use and is rubbish.

Its very depressing to be honest!!! i feel abit out of my depth cos im really not as bad as them. i have my issues, sure... but seeing how hard they are involved in their ED makes me glad that i can see the wood for the trees. i mean i can see what i need to do, i just need the support to help me stick with it. and my GOD am i gonna stick with it! i want out of this illness and now i want to be better even MORE!

The staff are really nice (altho abit clueless, i seem to be helping them out with support and advice for the others alot!) its hard cos nobody else really talks, so i feel like im the one jumping in and babbling away most of the time! but i dont wanna sit their like a lemon, i want to get to the root of my problems and im not gonna do that keeping schtum. But yeah, their are two young-ish girls working there, so ive been chatting with them more, at least they have stuff to talk about, the other patients just seem so lifeless, like there isnt any spark behind their eyes... its sad. i dont wanna be like that. i know im NOT, but i dont ever want to be either... im still not the full 'me' but seeing how little there is of these girls personalities left, makes me want the old me back even more!!!

Anyways, we started off with breakfast at 9am, i had a full bowl of cereal and full fat soy milk. scary, but cos i didnt prepare it myself... it wasnt so hard. It was weird not having my usual massive portions of fruit with it tho. i didnt have ANY! sadly, fresh produce is not their thing, so its nasty processed fruit juice with everything (pass thanks, my stomach isnt capable of that much concentrated acid!!) and the main meal at lunch is a frozen ready meal. hmm. yumzo NOT! we had group straight after breakfast and then it felt like only a minute before we had snacks. i swear im sooo not used to eating as close together as this. but hey ho... i had to bring in my snacks cos they cant cater for dairy free yet (it only opened last week) but that was ok. altho having two in a day was hard for me... i dont normally snack so much. Lunch was a hot meal and again there were two options, one veg and one meat. but not necessarily dairy free. RIIIIGHT. luckily, older lady 'b' is also dairy free, so i didnt feel like i was being a huge pain... but yeah, they had to shuffle stuff round and in the end i had turkey with chips and baked beans. SCARY!i dont like baked beans, but i did my best. ate all the chips and the turkey but again i was soooo missing my usual fresh fruit and veg. all they had were apples and oranges, so i had an orange for pudding.

In the afternoon it was groups again, then snack, then they make their evening "sandwich" meal. but i usually have a hot meal in the evening anyway, so i didnt take one. it was abit weird... older lady 'a' didnt make one cos apparently she just has a yoghurt for dinner... i was like hellooooo a YOGHURT?!?! thats IT?!?! it made me feel abit greedy, but you know what... i like my evening eats, so im gonna damn well have my usual anyways. HAHA!!!

So, i managed a whole day sat on my bum (did walk home tho... i think thats ok) its more the mental side of it anyways, the feeling like i cant sit still and i HAVE to walk. so that is definitely being challenged... even tho i dont feel like i have as serious of a case as the others, i still want to be there and work through some of my issues and if i can help them along the way then thats a bonus too! But i doubt i will need to be there as long as them, i think i will probs get what i need in the month that i am gonna be there, which is good... especially since the food is NOT so good :-p

Roll on tomo...

another chance to kick this illness into my past!