Well guess what people....
i finally got me a SNOWDAY!!!!
And about time too! :-p It was proper snowy yesterday but apparently not bad enough to warrant closing school. So dutifully, i wrapped up like an arctic explorer and made the mission into school... Which was fine as it happens, at least its warm in there!
Not that many pupils turned up and so lessons were abit of a mish-mash, i cant really see the point if most kids are coming in, cos im hardly gonna teach the few that are there something that im THEN gonna have to repeat for the missing ones! Soooo, close the damn school i say!
ANYWAY, we made it thru the day and then as i slipped and slid home i thought how nice it would be if i DIDNT have to risk falling on my ass again the next day!
Woke up this morning to another winter whiteout, surely they would be closed today?! NO! i got a text saying school was open.... what the?!?!?! I was actually tempted to text back and say, are you kidding me?! its a blizzard out there!!!!
But i got up anyway and half an hour later, just as id showered and got myself almost ready, another text comes thru..... "after closer inspection of the school site, we have decided to close today". GEEEEEE thanks! you couldnt have just started with that?! i could've stayed in bed!!!
Not that im complaining! i was woopety wooping (mum was not amused!) but then i had to face the fact that i was up and ready and quite clearly awake... But its only 7:30, what to do?!
I decided to go with mum on the "earlybird" walk with the pooch, something i dont usually have the pleasure of doing! Mum didnt really want me to come (apparently its her "me-time") MEH, too bad mammatron, im a comin!
and it was BEEEEEEEYOOOTIFUL. totally calm and peaceful... no people, no cars, barely a footprint to tarnish the pure white snow.... amazing :-)
snow makes everything pretty
Now this all sounds good and lovely, but sadly this post gets a little grrr now....
As much as i wanted a day off (who doesnt!) Ive been struggling with the idea that i am not doing anything... This has always been an issue for me, being that im such a busy person during the week, i often find that at the weekends i end up restricting or overexercising to compensate for not being as active :-(
I already took the dog out with mum, but ED didnt want to count that cos it was "gentle ambling" not real walking. So i took the dog out again later this morning... She was getting restless in the house (as was i..) so i jumped at the chance to get out, but the healthy side of me was tut tutting the whole walk. I cut it short anyway cos my feet were hurting, walking thru snow is a workout!
SnowDog
But now ive been out, i wanna go out again. i keep telling myself that 30mins is the recommended amount for normal people, so if ive done that, then going over is too much. The fact that in recovery you shudnt really do too much anyway just sits at the back of my mind. i WANT to listen to it, but i cant seem to get there....
Someone give me so tough love, scare tactics, whatever...! Im sick of feeling like this.
This reminds me of this article i read about OCD. it said something that stuck with me:
"If you give into the rituals, they only get worse and then the fear intensifies..."
Now this hit home, cos i so badly want to be strong enough to fight this illness and recover properly, but every time i have a little slip, dont eat enough or deny myself something, it makes it harder to get back on track... (for example i know im still undereating and overexercising, but the more i keep it up the harder it is to stop.... yes im alot better, but deep down i know its still not under control yet)
This urge to go out again is annoying me cos i know that i am active all week, so realistically ONE day of sitting inside doing sweet FA is no biggie.. its not even like i haven't done anything either, ive been out twice! And in reality i should be having more days off. But ED's voice is strong right now, its whispering at me to not eat lunch... (i wont be buying my usual lunchbreak sammie, so im gonna have to make something at home-BIG fear) and it wants me to go out and walk more. ARGH, this is not what i want.... i want to be able to have a day off and not panic. I hate that i have to fight so hard against this, its tough to combat the urges, but i KNOW i have to... if i dont then im right back where i started and ED will have won, thats the last thing i want!
so i need to be the stronger party....
I need to put MY side across, stop and listen to the healthy me, remember that i am seperate, i am ME.
TRUST, FAITH & DETERMINATION
these are the things i need to look inside me for
if i can just find the strength
they will help me
to be me
again
Hope you're all having a good day, is it snowing with anyone else??! Its still properly coming down over here, im thinking another snow day tomo?!? c'mon mr weatherman, you know it makes sense!! and plus, i need to beat the ass off this ED situation....
Ooh, do i spy a challenge a comin?!
wish me luck snowbunnies :-)
xxx
mommatron...haha! That's a great word : D.
ReplyDeleteI know how you're feeling Clemmy, I used to feel so restless if I wasn't being "active" enough for ed either. Can you believe that I used to volunteer to spend hours weeding our garden because ed told me I had to?? Like in the dirt...I hate dirt! haha. Anyways, I still get these urges but I've noticed that often I can distinguish between ed pushing me to do something and how I really feel about doing it. It sounds like you can too because you were dragging your feet about the second walk, even though ed made you go anyways. Self-care is so important, if you don't want to walk than you don't have to. Try to remember that in order to recover you must listen to YOUR voice and put YOUR needs first...much easier said than done, I know.
Stay strong hun, I'm thinking about ya!
Sarah
I agree, mommatron, I'm gonna use that! :) change is tough but I'm glad u got a snow day at last! Distraction works wonders at times like this, try to stop thinking about what u should or shouldn't be doing in such depth, you know what u gotta do, leave it at that, do it, and force your mind to stay focused on something that will get your mind off the " thinking" about the fact that your kicking ed's ass. You get me? It takes times, but feels soo good once u start doing it. F xxxxx
ReplyDeleteOh man, getting out of my "school routine" is such a tough one for me too; I feel for you! We are almost done with classes, so I am SITTING and studying and my ED is screaming that all I am doing is sitting, eating, studying, and that I need to walk walk walk, but this...
ReplyDelete"If you give into the rituals, they only get worse and then the fear intensifies..."
REALLY stuck with me, and I hope you can remind yourself of that too the next time you're home with a day off.
Give yourself a break! One day, heck, even 2 days, of only moderate activity never killed anyone ;) So you enjoy your snowday and, even better, PROVE your ED wrong. Show yourself that you don't have to walk bc ED tells you to, but you can walk because it's nice out, or you legitimately have somewhere to go.
Your ED has never accommodated for you, don't accommodate for your ED today.
Thanks for the positive words and I am totally backing your up on your challenge -- enjoy your day off and kick some ED ass girl :)
<3
love! I feel you! I always had trouble with this. But you need to stop and just do it! There will never be the perfect day but you just need to cut down. I force myself to no more than 30 min of walking and eating my calories everyday. stomach bloating or not! you are stronger than anorexia. I do not exercise of anything atm and do not want to in the near future until a bmi of 19! you can do this my twinny. I am here for you!
ReplyDeletetry adding me on FB if you can then we can talk more often
xx
SO. MUCH. SNOW. I've been hearing about how much snow youve had on the other side of the pond and I honestly don't know if I'd be able to handle it!! I'm SUCH a summer/autumn person, truth be told... :\
ReplyDeleteI have to battle those silly voices, telling me I wasn't active enough to justify eating a normal amount. Ie. today, when I got a lift to my morning class, whereas I usually bus & walk, which I guess ED justifies as activity, as I don't exercise still. UGH. I know the voice is strong but you must make the voice of reason even stronger. Eventually, logic WILL win over!! ;P
izzyy
xoxo