Well guess what peeps... Im feeling alot better today! physically, ive still struggled to get my intake up. but mentally im in a much better place :-)
I actually had some pretty vivid dreams last night - mainly focusing on recovery and what it will mean for my future. I woke up full of positivity and it feels like ive been given a second (or third? or is it fourth now?!?) chance to prove myself against ED. Its like my subconcious was telling me that its ok to gain weight... that everything will be ok.
Now i have to admit (and im sure im not alone in this!) that the idea of gaining weight after being underweight for so long, is a scary prospect! Its like crossing into the great unknown... what will i look like? what will i be like? will i still have these feelings? Its silly really, cos i was perfectly fine before i had this illness, so why should that change?! (Its not like im suddenly gonna grow two head or sixteen eyes or morph into some weird pink monster!)
Meh, it could be worse...!
But im going to talk this through with my therapist tomo morning. I need to find a way to get out of this weekend rut before i break up for the holidays, im worried if i dont get a non-workday routine sorted by then, that i will end up freaking out over the xmas break..... Not a plan i care to follow!
If this dream has told me anything, its that i am and always will be me. nobody else, just ME! And that was fine before, i was a happy confident popular girl (sorry if it sounds like im tooting my own trumpet much... im trying to self-love lately!!)
So i should stop being a big scaredy cat and start trying to get back to what i was, what i want to be again... Even if i do eat more, its not gonna kill me. I used to eat junk food and do no exercise and i wasnt overweight then! So the moral of my story is....
One cookie does not automatically make me into this guy!!!
Feeeeeeed me!
So basically, whenever i start to think ED thoughts or get the urge to walk an extra 10mins... im gonna think back to the old me and ask "would i have done this then?" Im guessing most of the time, it will be NOPE! and if i wouldn't have worried myself about it pre-ED, then i have no choice but to not worry about it now....
.....Bring it on!
here's to another new week people
:-)
When you are tempted to restrict or walk extra, just remember- I'm watching you!!!! Hehe! Have a great week. Xxx
ReplyDeleteYay i love this positive post. And you know it is so true, horrible ed trys to make us believe that something bad is going to happen if we do what WE want, which isnt the case at all .
ReplyDeleteI hope you have a wonderful week, and enjoy all the positivity. :)
Love Jess xxx
I like your idea of how you want to control the ED voice from taking over. Ask yourself is this really me?
ReplyDeleteI hope it helps you fight some of these voices today
Yay! Glad youre in a better space mentally, hun. That bridge into healthy territory is SUCH a tough one to cross - that point JUST before a healthy BMI (as if BMIs are the ONLY indicators of healthy *eyeroll*) is where I've ALWAYS relapsed and slipped. SO frustrating! I'm sure you'll find a way to keep yourself in a steady, healthy routine whilst out of your daily routine - though I must say I'm glad I'll be able to work a lot during my month-long hiatus off school...it keeps me inlinee with SOMEsort of a routine!
ReplyDeleteHave a wonderful week, lovie, and keep those positive thoughts flowing!
izzyy
xooxox
Great post Clemmy! It doesn't matter what number of a chance you're on...the most important thing is that you have this new chance to heal!! Take it love! You deserve it, happiness and health are right aroung the corner and I can tell you're ready to turn the corner and find them! Go for it hun, I'm rooting for you : )
ReplyDeleteSarah