Happy New Years EVE!!!!!
Let the countdown begin!
Phew, now i feel better! but im sorry to hype you up to the potential of an exciting and charismatic blog post peeps, sadly i cannot deliver that sparkling gem of sunshine that i so readily promised you yesterday... Dont worry! it is still THERE, the pics of costa rica, the sunshine, the stories i have to tell... but it doesnt quite feel right talking about that just yet, cos there is so much other shizz going down my end right now, its kindof taking up my brainspace!
Right... so first off, you know about the burglary shizzle right? NOT nice. Its taking a huge toll on the fam at the mo, my sis is yelling at my mum every 5mins over the phone, my mum is STILL sick (she literally couldnt get up this morning, and she is an early bird, 6am crack of dawner usually!) So i made her call up for a doctors appt since last night she was still having this crazy rash and experiencing weird itching all over her body, hellooo?! tropical disease much?!?!?! i was taking NO risks! As it happens its some tropical allergy, but she will live to tell the tale (phews) But its not nice for her, she's cancelling her NYE plans and to be honest, im tempted to cancel mine to stay in with her, shes not a happy bunny, im thinking i could mix up some of those tasty cocktails we had on holiday for her.... (STOP, cannot reveal too much holiday info... it needs its OWN post!!!)
yeah, my NYE is looking shitty too. I was supposed to house party it, but thats been rearranged for a club night at this grotty club that is like skanks R us, im soooo not vibeing spending my new years with a bunch of wasted 17yr olds wearing barely any clothes. Plus im not exactly body confident right now... (my self-esteem already took abit of a bashing, having to flaunt my skinny bone bod on holiday) So we'll see. Im not a major NYE fan anyways, and the thought of some gooooood sleep, is mighty tempting! i still havent kicked that jetlag yet.
i know.
Excuse Excuses... right?!?!
But seriously, New Years is SO expensive and pretty overrated if you ask me!!! its just an excuse for clubs and bars to charge 3x the price for a normal night out!!! ( and yes, i am cynical.... so sue me!)
Another downer on my day is that i went to therapy all hyped up and full of the positive things i felt id achieved on holiday (eating unknown, un-caloried foods, eating food someone else has prepared, accepting that i am my own person and shouldnt compare myself and my eating to others, seeing that you CAN recover and be free with food... food is not the enemy! and thanks to a lovely girl i met out there, eating CAKE!!!! and seeing that it doesnt kill you/make you fat/ turn you into a "bad" person/or suddenly need to eat 50 cakes and not ever stop!
It wasnt QUITE as tropical as this... but pretty close!
Aswell as this, i also managed to see why some of my problems have become so, by delving deeper into the relationship between my mum, my sister and me. It felt god to let some of that out, but i think it will need a more appropriate outlet! My poor T, he had alot to listen to THIS week!!!
Despite all this good stuff, when i hopped on the scales totally expecting to have gained and feeling kindof ok with that (i mean, id been on holiday... i HADNT exercised and id eaten foods that couldve had a gazillion calories in them for all i knew!)
But NO....
my body didnt agree.
i cant believe i lost weight.
i was actually shocked.
then the questoning in my head starts up....
"maybe it was all in my screwed up mind?"
"maybe ED tricked me?"
I mean... Did i really eat well? or was i just kidding myself?? clearly i didnt do as well as id thought. but is my ED so strong that i was totally blinded by it????
My T brought up IP again. And im not even surprised! Basically, the deal is they wont have funding for IP after April, so if i DO want to go, the time is now... and lets face it, if my weight has dropped AGAIN, leaving me basically back where i started regardless of the mental progress ive made. maybe the time IS now???
I talked to my mum when i got home, told her what he said, straight up. And she was surprised at my loss too. she SAW that i was trying, but maybe its because i was trying more and branching out that it seemed like more, but actually wasnt. Cos a week of sedentary sunbathing as opposed to my usual walking obsession has gotta have saved me some cals surely??
I dunno, im starting to think that maybe IP is the best option, take the pressure off and just get this thing sorted... the only snag is that
i would have to take time off work
and therefore, i would have to tell them whats going on, try and apply for sick leave for a month at least, then id miss out on so much... the kids would want to know why i was away... theyd have to get a supply teacher and they probs wouldnt be able to reach their full potential (who ever really work when theres a supply teacher in?!)
A teachers worst nightmare!!!
thankfully my kids are NOT like this... (well, mostly!)
ARGGHHH, i dont know. my head is in a spin. i know my health is so much more important than worrying about what people might say at school and whether my kids miss out on a couple of weeks teaching... but im so confused right now.
I really could use some advice/support/words of wisdom from you guys! You've helped me out SO much this far, i know i can count on you to talk sense.... and i promise, when my head is clearer and ive downloaded my holiday snaps (where IS my camera adaptor dammit?!?!) you will get the good stuff :-)
Hope i didnt bore you with that monster blog, have a Happy New Year and see you in 2011!!!
xxx
Happpy New YEAR! sorry to hear about ur T Appt, dont let that result negate all your hard work, the body is a weird thing! mybe ip could be your answer. i mean, it is YOUR life, your chance, whats one or two months in the grand scheme of things? xx
ReplyDeleteHappy new year my love!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that new year is not what you may have hoped for but you know I did not have the most spectacular one either but it was nice and chilled. we do not need to get super drunk in some club and party till the break of dawn. Nope there are other ways out there to party!
I'll reply to you on FB about the IP thing okay?
Love you my twinny, keep going!!
xx
Happy New Year, lovie! I'm sorry it's gotten off to a bit of a rocky start...the good thing is that you have approximately 365 more days to make it fantastic :) Also proud of you for not hitting that nasty club - I honestly dont get "clubbing". I'd prefer to go to a chill pub with my friends, split a pitcher and nachos ANY day of the week ;)
ReplyDeleteAs much as I wouldve been as nervous as you in a bathing suit, I'm still so jealous about Costa Rica!!! I'm so cold here in frigid Canada (even though it IS +8*C today), it's redonk!!
As for IP, if you feel like youre in a place where youre neither moving forward NOR backwards - just sort of in limbo - than maybe it IS something you may wanna consider? As much as ED may wanna trick us, sometimes therapists do actually have our interests in mind... work will always be there, but you only get one shot at good HEALTH and LIFE.
I hope your mum feels better soon!!
izzyy
xoxoxo
Happy new year sweetie! I know it hasn't started off well but things can get better if you stay positive I promise.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel about how you thought that you ate well on holiday but the scales don't show that. I've had that so many times in the past and now I realize that it was actually ED tricking me into thinking that I ate well when in actual fact, I still didn't eat the amount a normal person would, never mind MORE which we should be doing to gain weight. I found that I felt like I'd eaten well because I was eating unfamiliar foods which seemed to have more in them than I would have at home but it was only ED tricking me into thinking that I'd eaten more when in actual fact I hadn't..it was just because they were 'unknown' and therefore 'scary' so it makes you feel like they're more and so you don't eat as much of them because you feel guilty. But it all happens subconsciously..it is such a sneaky thing. Also, when you're on holiday, you're in the heat so you sweat more and your body just generally uses up more energy because it's in a new climate and thrown out of it's routine. It is so so hard to gain on holiday unless you literally stuff your face with junk...
As for IP, I don't know hun..I guess I've been wanting it to happen to you for a while now because I can see how you're stuck in a sort of 'limbo' where you're trying to recover but it just isn't working and it's a really frustrating place to be because it is stressful. I hate seeing you in this place and unless you have real determination and you're prepared to upset yourself by doing things that you don't think you can do, I don't think you can recover alone. Inpatient may just help you realize how ill you are and how much help you need because it won't be easy..but if it was then you wouldn't be ill. That's what I always thought when I got upset as an inpatient. Someone who isn't ill wouldn't see it as a daunting experience because in the end, it's just food. You will face scary things but you have to realize that they're only scary because of your ED. In the end, it's a few months of your entire life that could change you forever and make the rest of your life so much happier. I would put that before a job anyday. Also, the longer you live with this illness, even if you are trying to recover, the harder and harder it gets to actually recover and you're putting your body under so much strain that you will start to suffer in time because of it. It is no life to live with this illness when there is just a chance that things could change if you surrended and gave in and let people take control for a while. It is only ED that is not going to like this.
You know deep down what is best sweetie. I just want to see you happy and I hate seeing you trapped in this phase because it's so frustrating and stressful..there is a life out there free of this..
xxxx
Clemmy!
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year! I'm so sorry to hear about the burglary and everything...that is so awful. Not to mention your therapy appt. and different struggles. As far as weight loss goes, there have been times I thought I was doing really well too but ended up losing...if you really were doing as well as you think than maybe it just takes our bodies a bit to adjust from "weight loss mode" to "gain mode"...?? I don't really know, that's just how I've explained it to myself before.
IP is definitely something to think about. I was pretty close to going myself...my therapist has said we could give it another month in OP for me and then evaluate my progress to see if IP is a good next step. It's such a hard decision, to leave behind home and work etc. but your health comes first! How can you enjoy being at home and working with your students fully if your body and mind are malnourished?? I'm sure the adults you work with would understand and your students wouldn't even have to know exactly where you were. I hate to lie...but if I was in your position I would just tell them you were recovering from surgery or something...haha!
Put yourself first lovie...you're worth it!
xxx