slush

Well folks, the snow is melting into slush.... but i dont mind, i got TWO good snowdays out of it so i sure aint complainin!!!

Friday came as another challenging day, i knew i had to address the problems i had on thursday in terms of exercise and restriction and id love to tell you i did and it was fine... but that wouldnt be entirely true. so im gonna give it to you straight. After all....

honesty is the best policy, right?!

If only!

So as soon as i found out i had another snow day, i hopped back into my warm bed for another half hour but couldnt sleep... i had intended to lie in and try to kickstart my lazy day. But when i heard mum get up, before i knew it i was out of bed and pulling on my trackies to go out with her and the dog. Hmm, not the best start maybe, but i figured then it'd be out of the way and i could get on with something else...

When we got back i made effort to have my breakfast BEFORE i got tied up doing other stuff, something i tend to do when im not working, is get distracted with other stuff (ED tricks me into thinking i shud get stuff done before i deserve to sit down and eat, so stupid)

Then since i knew i had a whole day free (a very rare occurence for me!) i decided to get in an appt with the docs about my ouchy feet...

Long story short, i have a weird condition called mortons neuroma, which is not as scary as it sounds! (does anyone else think it sounds like a brain type thing??!) Basically, cos im on my feet at work all day and i walk alot, its become aggravated and is causing me pain.

The Doc said that it shud improve if i wear proper "sensible" shoes (eg, grannyclogs... hmm DOUBTFUL) or alternatively, put special insoles into my regular shoes (MUCH more likely!) He also said that my being underweight could have made it worse as "there isnt much flesh on my bones". ok i knew this, but me FEET?!?! Oh.em.GEE people, so now my ED has extended to wrecking parts of my body that i didnt even know could be affected by weightloss....

Yeeeaaah, things have gotta change around here.

Sadly after this i had a major freakout. Yes, after all my good intentions. GODDAM i hate this illness, it can just ruin a whole day in the blink of an eye :-(

So basically, my mum had to go get her stock ready for her fairs this weekend... i stayed home and went into town for some window shopping. We arranged to be back for lunch around 2ish. All soudns fine and dandy right?? Well this is where things go poo-shaped.

I got home a little late (yes i walked more than i shud, but thats not even the issue right now!) I expected to see my mum, but nope... so i ring her and she's running late. no probs. im not that hungry yet anyway....

half hour later, starting to get a rumble-tum. call mum again. no answer. HMMM.

eventually get thru to her and she says she will be late and i shud have my lunch already, so i do... expecting her to be back soon, but by FOUR she is not home and i get abit upset, i mean she' been gone all morning and therefore has not eaten since breakfast. ED does not like this, especially since i have had my lunch and am now feeling like if SHE didnt have lunch, i shudnt have had lunch. UH-OH.... can u see where this is headed???

She got home in the end, but i was a mess by then. upset, angry, anxious, frustrated and confused.... i can see so clearly what is right and what is wrong. i knew that it didnt matter cos what i have and what she has is totally unrelated and i know that comparing is futile. but it STILL GETS ME. my ED ravaged brain cant process this and i get freaked out. I had to sit in my room and chill out before i could come down and rationalise things with her.

which luckily, I did.....

And as i spoke about how her skipping lunch made me feel, it all started to flow out... the pressure i feel in terms of recovery and not wanting to be a burden yet still finding things very hard to cope with, i let it out.... and i felt so much better!

I know she finds it all very difficult to deal with, but hey.... so do i!!! But i think we made some headway, as we always do when we just speak openly with each other instead of getting on with everyday life and not really talking. So im pleased. (and as we had this chat, she consumed not one, but TWO toasted crumpets smothered in butter and jam) Goes to show i cant compare, even when i try... cos my mum is SO different to me, she has no issues with food and eats what she wants when she wants it. she LISTENS to her body and gives it what it wants, which has resulted in her having a very tidy little bod for a 62 year old!! (altho i say little, she is actually 6foot, but you know what i mean!) she's actually in a magazine this month, showing how you can still look good over 60, hehe... i guess i shud count my chickens that ive got good genes and a stop screwing around with them!!!

Just cos she skipped lunch, didnt mean she skimped on food. she just made up for it elsewhere... This is something i need to remind myself of: you never know someone's exact intake, so pinning your intake next to theirs is impossible! I need to stop focusing on others and focus on me!!!!

And who doesnt love abit of "me time"....!?!

This post has gone on ridonkulously long, so ill say toodles for now, i will try and post todays events tomo. (if i catch up with myself that is) Seriously, i dont think i cud actually remember what ive done today till i look back on it tomo!

Does anyone else suffer from that "chasing your tail" feeling?!?!

I shud leave a trail so i know where ive been, otherwise ill just keep going in circles!

abit like this little fella :-)