naughty!?!

I think today feels like a saturday... wanna know why!?! Cos i pulled a sicky and had a day off work :p

Oooh BAD clem!!

It wasnt entirely selfless tho, i promise! Over the past week or so, well since half term really... i havent been sleeping that well... ive been feeling weak and lethargic again and i know those signs too well. Ive been doing alot lately and this has been yet another hectic term. So i knew id have to be careful about not overdoing it.... As soon as i get rundown and tired, my M.E flares up and i get sick again - its always something i have to watch out for and this time, i just wanted to make sure i nipped it in the bud before it had the opportunity to jump up on me and become an issue....

so i took a day off to rest up. 

I felt like in order to get through the next 3 weeks of term, i needed to have a break. Not a weekend break, where im still busy and doing stuff. But like a day when i normally WOULD be busy.... but instead im NOT. does that make sense?! So today i boshed it. I took the decision to put myself first for a change. And im really glad i did :)

Usually i just soldier on, feeling more and more tired and then consequently beating myself up for not being able to have the strength and the energy to do the things i normally do. Yes im probs too active in day-to-day life anyways... but the fact that i actually ALLOWED myself a day to rest, is a major step forwards for me! i always feel too guilty/lazy/busy to be able to do that...

I was worried tho, anxious that i might not use the day as i should. I was worried that id feel overwhelmed by the empty time, when everyone else is working and being active and im not. Cos ive done that before, tried to relax and instead just gone out powerwalking for hours on end to pass the time and feel better for being "lazy". So I tried to persuade the roomie to take a day-off too!! that way i would be accounted for... but she couldnt and it wouldnt have been fair to put that on her anyways.. but LUCKILY the mothership was here today and she stepped upto the task. (a pleasant change! haha) I had a little wobble lastnight, so maybe she felt it necessary to help out? I dunno. Things were getting on top of me and we had the roomies parents coming for dinner (evening routine disruption anxiety) plus recently ive been really trying to face upto the challenge of NOT comparing myself to others, like when the roomie tells me how shes been powerwalking and wanted to walk further and more... it triggers me. Of course it does! Cos it makes me think of how i behave, always wanting to go that "bit further".... it sparked a weird anorexia longing which i havent felt before. Im normally SO anti anything anorexic, i hate how i am and how i look and feel... so it came as a shock!! Realistically, i think it was more a sort of jealousy that SHE can be a healthy weight and do whatever exercise she wants but i CANT. 

i felt guilty.... stupidly!

Anyways, we had a good chat after she found me having a little secret cry and it was better... she helped me to see that the way i view exercise and walking is still so wrapped up in anorexic control, its no longer a happy thing. And comparing myself to others is pointless anyways, cos nobody is the same as me... i cant pin myself on someone else cos their body probably has different needs and abilities to my body. BOSH!

And the dinner was really good, roomie made a veggie lentil curry (bit spicy) but it was just fun that all of us hung out together, the rents and the youngs together! and it makes me happy to see my mum having fun with people her own age. it felt easy and comfortable and NORMAL, haha :)

But cut back to today.... and my rest sesh started with a lie-in. and when i got up - i DIDNT STRETCH!!! oooh it was a real challenge not to give in, cos i havent done my "abs" stretches in a while now... i stopped myself from doing them in the mornings, cos it became so compulsive it was very hard to break a habit that had become as ingrained as brushing my teeth or having a shower... So thats been a good move, especially since im usually too tired or busy in the evenings to bother! But today seemed like the perfect excuse, i had a whole day, no commitments and surely it would be BAD or LAZY not to since i wasnt being active and busy at work? UH-OH alarm bells!!! i decided that id take the dog out for a breath of fresh morning air instead, that'd wake me up and help me think more clearly...! cos i knew i didnt WANT to do them. sure, they make me feel good when ive done them, cos its anorexic achievement - Self punishment. but i dont actually feel very strong when i do them, i feel like im probably hurting my body... pushing it when it doesnt have the strength to cope. Its not like ive got anything to "tone" anyways! Im just cannabolising muscle or whatever they call it!!

So, with no activity and a whole day to play with, what to do!?!? 

obviously the pooch was involved!

Mum suggested lunch out, which naturally freaked the bejesus outta me! but i knew i wanted to show her i CAN do this, instead of letting her down again... So off we went, to this lovely little town near suffolk and had lunch in this cute restaurant by the river. it was GORGE!!! especially since the sun was out and it was all warm and springlike... they said this is gonna be the best weather we have in a while, so im glad i made the most of it, instead of being stuck in a classroom!!!

We had a nice lunch and then took the dog for a quick walk along the river. it was so pretty! i couldve walked for ages, but mum said no... and after about 15mins she made us head back to the car... this upset me (and the anorexia) cos i had got the urge and i wanted to WALK. especially since it was so beautiful outside... i didnt even have a coat on which is supercrazy for me!! so i got abit angry and annoyed - but ultimately i know she had my best intentions at heart, so i reminded myself of my goals - this summer. being able to wear nice clothes. getting my life back.

Cos thats WAY more important than going that extra "bit further" on a walk.... right?! :)

pepper making (confused) friends with a stuffed toy dog!

So a successful day. it was lovely to spend time with my mum, i feel like i never get to see her that much anymore... at least not just US anyway. And when we are together, its when we're tired and grumbly.. So today was a perfect chance to do something fun together. Ive missed that!

Aaaand now i have to get my butt in gear and prep for tomo... cos it back to work i go!!! but hopefully ill be a little more refreshed and able to carry on with less of a stress-head!

Happy Tuesday (aka SICKDAY) Everyone!!!

xxx