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Hey guys...

Im in abit of a bum mood this afternoon... and it must be bum cos i just typed 'FARF'-ternoon and didnt even chuckle... uh-oh :(

I know exactly why im bummed too, which makes it even more of a BUM. Cos i was fine till i got home! in fact, i got in, had a chat with the mumster, made some banana muffins with some incredibly UNripe bananas (thanks mum) and then BOOM, the roomie came downstairs.... In sporty-esque clothing to go out "for a walk"....

Now before you think that i have some crazy ban on sportswear and i believe that everyone should "dress for dinner", like them ye olde days!.. ill explain.

A few weeks ago the roomie decided she didnt want to catch the bus to work anymore, she wanted to start walking. Fair enough, but she works FAR away! And the route she would be walking was pretty much the same as i used to power-march (maybe with a few less "extension diversions" as i would add in) back in the day... well - ok, before it got ASS-cold and wintery and i called time :p But add onto this that her school is a good mile PAST mine and youve got a recipe for me being a fair bit "floopy" about the amount of walkage. i thought I WAS THE WALKING JUNKIE!!!!! so this seemed a little extreme. But i dealt with it... i knew that i was still walking to work too, albeit a less crazy long route than before (i walk through town now, so i am less likely to march like a ED-posessed demon) But i will admit that i google-mapped her distance to compare to mine and i do still feel GAAAAh about it. especially since she often tells me that she misses lunch and only eats an apple all day. and shes ONLY just started eating breakfast (if you call a belvita breakfast biscuit a breakfast :s)...

So all this accounted for me being abit eeks about it. My downfall being my absolute inability to know what s normal and therefore to compare myself and try to mimic other people... oh and not to mention that BIG OLD ACTIVITY ADDICTION i have going on. yeah, theres that too :(

But i got over it, bit by bit. i know she doesnt have an eating disorder... she happily eats pizza and chocolate and will try new things and have seconds and thirds when she's hungry, or even just eat that piece of cake when she's not - because its polite to accept it.

Shes fine....

...But im not.

Cos i always think with a disordered black and white anorexic-head. for me, NOT eating breakfast or lunch means i am restricting... not that i just "missed" it. but i MISSED it (on purpose) Doing more exercise, walking further, pushing myself till it hurts... its punishment. its to earn something back. to feel "ok". Its obsessive. Its not "just to save money" or "to get some fresh air". Which im sure her reasonings are...

But i cant help my head. Immediatley it jumps to conclusions and makes me feel guilty for not matching her. which i know, full well... is wrong.

Cos i shouldnt compare, i CANT. im not the same. im ME. but that doesnt stop me from feeling shit. And when little while back, she mentioned that she would love to start running i knew there was more freakage to come... and yesterday, she did. And guess what?! i freaked. Wow, cos i didnt see that coming :(

It was like 7:30pm and pitch black and cold. but she decided she wanted to clear her head and go for a run... which is fine, right? but to me it spelt BAD. very bad me. i felt lazy and i felt undeserving of my dinner (which ironically - i was cooking at the time. yay) and EVEN though i knew that she'd brought home a big bag of chip shop chips and mayo for her dinner... i still felt shitty. WHY the hell?!?! its so messed up.

Now this afternoon after getting in - she went out for a walk. thats AFTER walking home. AFTER being busy at work all day and AFTER walking in this morning. So thats a lot of walking for a non-disordered person... heck, that'd be alot of walking for me!!! So you can see my dilemma. Ive fallen right into the trap of latching myself onto her cos i was happy that she was ok to laze about and eat chips and chocolate - so i could feel good about eating my salad and fruit and "safe" foods. It was EDs happy place. But now its getting light and warmer and understandably, she wants to get out and about and move her body... but noooo - my ED doesnt like that.

Why cant it just shut the f*** up????? i was getting on ok. boshing challenges and increasing my intake bit by bit aswell as easing things up on the exercise front. and now i just feel like its so damn hard to keep pushing and fighting... im still doing it cos i know that the alternative is crapsville. but my GOD it feels so difficult to rationalise in my head right now :(

Anyways, I didnt go with her for the walk - i wanted to ask to, but i didnt. cos i knew it would just lead to more and more obsessing. I stayed in and came on my laptop.... cos i know if theres one place i can always go to vent - its here!!! and boy am i glad of that right now :)

Thankfully, i think my vent is now powering down and running out of steam! i feel abit calmer and ready to get on with my evening.... and ive managed to hang tight and not give in to the urges. either yesterday - after her running session, OR today - in the aftermath. 

I know thats no major biggie, but im gonna see it as pretty positive... cos i may still have these thoughts, but im challenging myself to sit with them instead of always jumping to the quick-fix relief. 

Now i just need to keep plodding forwards, one foot in front of the other to try and cut back on exercise and up the food. One foot in front of the other... forwards NOT back!

Wish me luck guys :)

oh... Quick Qn:

the mothership suggested hypnotherapy for my head struggles. 

any thoughts???