erm, so,

Hey you guysssss...

I was wondering whether to post or not, cos i dont really have that much to say! My last post reeked of "anorexic paranoia" regarding the roomie having another friend to stay.... and im kindof embarrassed about it. cos in reality - it was fine!

But thats just part of the anorexia isnt it... Always making things seem scarier than they are. Cos it nearly always is fine... its just that sometimes you build these things up in your head and make them into a big deal when they really dont have to be. Its silly cos you just have to be easy.... to go with the flow... be calm...

And even tho it pushes me outside my comfort zone, i think all these things that are thrown my way now that the roomie is here are a good thing! Cos i dont have so much of a choice, i cant control everything like i did before. Like i would get angry if mum changed her plans or if something interrupted my perfect routine. And because she was my mum, it didnt matter so much to me about being irrational and acting like a brat. But with the roomie - i DO care! i dont want her to think im this selfish, spoiled person who acts like a child and throws her toys out of the pram when something doesnt go her way.... No thanks!!! So i have to suck it up and DEAL with it instead. which is very good for me! It certainly makes me reflect on some of my behaviour over these past few years... the way ive treated my mum and the selfish things ive forced myself to do or not do to please my ED. but its never satisfied... cos its never enough. And why should i care? Anorexia never did anything for me, why the hell should i try and jump through hoops to please it? Just to feel better, to feel ok? Sod that!!! 

Its not nice and i can see that now... the anorexia was so strong it blinded me to truth. Its still there and its still overwhelming at times, but it doesnt blind me in the way that it did before. I can see my irrationality for what it is.

But that doesnt always make it any easier to combat, sadly...

I took the dog out early this morning and i got to thinking (as i do about 50 gazillion times a day!) about how to go about changing things for the better. how to give up exercise and eat more... Its still something that plagues me. Cos i still have doubts and fears - like any anorexia facing a FULL recovery. Yes, i would say that im in recovery... but its far from a proper one. Alot of people throw the term "Quasi-recovery" around. in terms of maybe eating enough, but still being very active and using that as a crutch to feel better about eating more. Or eating junk food, but not eating much and then still restricting to compensate.... Basically - appearing to be recovering, but still not letting go of the control.

yup. CONTROL.

that little word that holds such power. 

But why do i fear losing control so much? what keeps me from just letting loose and to hell with the consequences?

Its not like i think being bigger is a bad thing, i look at fuller figured girls and envy their curves... i look at normal girls and envy their ability to be "normal"!!! I honestly dont want to be this thin. i just dont really know how else to be...

The scary thing is, that im so used to feeling tired and weak, that when i DO feel energised - its like i almost want to get rid of it, like i think its a dirty thing that i dont deserve. but its just energy... so why is it so scary to me?

Thankfully, I am finding it alot easier to let myself relax on weekends now, which is a major turnaround from the days where i used to hide myself away and exercise to make up for feeling "lazy". Yesterday i took the dog out in the morning, came back and just slobbed out with the roomie watching silly youtube clips in bed! then after breakfast, we went to town (a slow short walk, not adding extras to the journey like id have done in the past if i was on my own... so stupid!) and met our friend for coffee. Again the roomie had her fave piece of carrot cake, again the size of her face! and a hot-choc. Our friend had a rocky road slice and a coffee and i had a diet coke. boooo :( 

Its still lacking and im still the gubbins in the corner with no nice treat... but in the absence of anything dairy-free... i made sure i took a snack with me this time and so i had that instead. So it was progress on last time, albeit small. 

After that we had a brief look round the shops for mothers day cards and bits, then went home. no powerwalking. no extras. just an easy day. (altho granted, i felt better by the fact that i had done more than the roomie, having taken the dog out that morning) but comparing is still something that niggles the back of my mind. it doesnt rule over it, but its still there. And i hate that it makes me feel better when it goes my way or worse if it doesnt....

I dont like when people have less than me (like at dinner sometimes the roomie just has yoghurt and fruit... or at work she often skips lunch...) but i know that she makes up for it elsewhere (choc and cake and what she fancies WHEN she fancies it) so i dont let it affect me. 

So its still a battle in my head - but its not a losing one. there is fight in me!!! i wont pretend that the idea of stopping all walking and eating according to a 2500 mealplan doesnt scare the monkeys out of me. cos it does... but i know its something i will need to do sooner or later... so why procrastinate? I want to be able to enjoy a nice summer and eat cake on my birthday in april and all that. So its gotta be done - delaying it wont make it any easier in the long run... Annoyingly tho, i still dont think i can jump RIGHT in just yet. i am easing myself into it bit by bit. but i just dont know how i will cope when I still cant seem to feel comfortable eating more and moving less. Easing in probs isnt the best way to go, ive been doing this "softly softly" approach for too damn long and its done bugger all... except perhaps give me a bit more confidence that cutting back exercise and eating more DOESNT result in sudden weight gain... but its still not enough confidence to give it all up and jump right into the cake. i dunno... I dont think i will ever feel comfortable.... but ill still have to do it, wont i?

Anyways... since i currently have a showercap on my head cos im doing a hairmask, i better end it here! Damn i look pretty special, so i think i might run upstairs and jump on the roomie to scare her before i hop in the shower :p bahahaha!!!

We're going to the beach with the poochums today, cos its sunny and nice and we're gonna pick up a seafood platter to take home for dinner. YUMMMMMERS!!!! Its cool, cos since the roomie extended her veggie-ness to include fish in her diet, she is ALL about getting as much seafood in her belly as humanly possible! and being a major fish lover myself, i have no probs with this!!! gobble gobble gobble! :-)

have a great Sunday everyone!