welcome home?!

Hey Happy Holidayers!

im hooooome :-)

and BOY is it cold!

super thankful for my new cosy scarf. Mmm-so cosy :-)

Ahh its been another random mish-mash of days here, but thats the beauty of the christmas period (note i didnt say "festive"?! yup, that word is now on official LOCKdown :-p)

I always find that this break goes so fast, you barely have a chance to enjoy a mince-pie and a glass of eggnog before its back to work and the gloooooom of january.

But not yet my friends, we still have a WEEK at least! and now is the time to embrace those oh-so alluring sales (cos clearly i DO need another plaid check shirt to add to my slightly obsessively large collection! haha) and to start thinking about that big old night we call NEW YEARS. gaah, im not a fan of NYE, i have to be honest. Its like one night, that technically is no different to another night out, except that everything is WAY busier, WAY more expensive and there is always WAY too much pressure on "having the best time".... Meh, give me a tasty dinner and a christmas present boxset dvd to tackle and id be content.

oh ok, i knooooow. im still young, i shud be out there making my mark on the world in a loud sparkly boob tube or some nonsense. but really?! i mean, its like sub-freezing degrees out there, cant i just wear a nice sensible jumper and tights and call it quits?! (man i am SUCH a catch, seriously... boys beware!)

Ah yes, speaking of boyssssss. ive just got back from my trip to the boys house. OOOOH, yeah. hanging with the fam at christmas time. woopwoop. thats some big cheese right thurr! haha. (uh-oh, im branching over into crazy... reign it in!) yeah. it was good! i have a grin on my fac right now, cos i am really pleased that a) i managed to survive hanging out at his house without freaing out too much about food/exercise/ED stuff.... and b) that i had a good time!!! (oh and c) that his family liked me... ooh ooh oooh yeah! we shared feedback and i think i scored ok!) It also gave my mum a chance to meet his parents cos she drove me up there... anyways. since ive hopped straight into this post after my last "im about to eat a chicken thats been roasted in a microwave" post fresh from the land of le french, so ill recap fully so as not to confuse!

Monday: We flew back to England after packing up at the apartment and getting our drive on for TWO hours back to the airport (seriously, my neck has never been so cricked after being wedged up against the window half asleep for th best part of a morning...) We arrived at the airport at lunchtime but after checking our bags in which took forever and a day, we got through to the departures loungey bit and discovered there really was NOTHING through there! like one tiny snackbar and a duty free shop selling soap. Hmm. So naturally, i know i have to eat something, but im still finding things hard with my sis. At this point i have dealt with being stuck in a car for hours and im grumpy anyways cos she went for a walk that morning when i didnt (i have done really well at listening to my body and letting it REST for a change... points to me :-p) Anyway. she had a stomach upset so didnt want to eat anything. Ohhhhh i hate that. cos i know i have to eat. but even tho my mum got a big ass baguette the one i would have liked to get and would have pre-ED) i still felt that comparison tug with the fact that my sis was having nothing but water... i sucked it up and got a big tuna salad instead. i hated myself, cos i was all "what are you having, you need to eat, why aent we all eating, waaaaah" but i accepted that at that time, she felt unwell and it wasnt fair to make someone eat just to make me eating feel less scary. HAH. i even had some of the unbuttered side of mums baguette to have with my salad... it was hard. but i wanted it and so i had it. i did good :-)

Anyways, we arrived back at the airport on monday night and had to wait ages for our bags etc. My sis left to get her train back to london and we drove home (i was naughty and didnt get a proper dinner... i snacked on crisps and fruit cos it was so late... mum had a lasagna ready meal. WHY CANT I DO THAT???) still i had made big strides already, so i wasnt gonna derail my success.

Tuesday: I got up and yes, i did my usual abs-strength routine. but i didnt feel like i had to do as much cos i hadnt been able to do as much over the holidays. not bad.

After a busy morning of unpacking and re-packing and having to wash my hair in the kitchen sink!! (the builders are still in and our bathroom is taking the current hit, no shower! argh!) it worked ok until i tried to flick her hair back and THWACKED my forehead against the sink ledge. OUCH. my mum literally ran over thinking id cracked my skull or something! it was ok, but MAN did i feel it yesterday! im still waiting for the massive egg shaped lump to appear, but i think maybe my skull is made of concrete cos its ok so far...

Then we drove to the boys house. dun dun duuuurrn.

No fear! it went fine!!! we chilled out, swapped presents (the boy did sooo good! check out some of my haul...

seriously, how freaking cool are these socks?!

i know im a total sock junkie, but these are TOP NOTCH!

he loved his presents too and i can honestly say, i had a really nice time at his... i felt more comfortable than i have in a long time. maybe because of all the stress with the family over xmas, it just felt so good to be with him... he calms me down :-) and his family were really sweet too. trying really hard to accomodate my food stuff. which i was pretty freaked out about! but they did a nice dinner buffet type thing, with stuff all laid out on the table to choose... i had some turkey and cranberry sauce, which was nice... a baked potato and salad with unknown dressing (argh!) and some and other bits, including pickles (my fave!) but not much veggies or salad like i would usually have. its weird to think how weird my meals must look to a normal person...! So yeah it was good. the only major scary thing was the (what to ME seemed giant) baked potato we all had on our plates. potatoes are a real fear for me, and i dont really like them much so it seems like a big old wasted carb for me.... but i didnt want to be rude or seem weird. so i explained that i dont like mash, but i love the skin, so i ate what i could and had the skin (which was hard anyways cos it was waaaay bigger than id normally make, but i kept reminding myself that that is the ED talking and my portion sizes are out of whack...) we then had fruit salad which the boy had walked half an hour to the nearest shop to get fruit for cos he knows im a fruit junkie. blessss!!!! haha. im such a demanding girlfriend, i dont know why he puts up with me :-p

Annoyingly even tho i did really well, i had some serious stomach upset after dinner... i dont know if there was some dairy involved, or it could have been cos i dont usually eat that kindof stuff. but who knows... either way, i have to accept that hiding away from food cos im scared of it making me sick is just as disordered as avoiding it cos im scared of being fat. i have to change my habits to get healthy... simple as that.

The rest of the trip was awesome. we had a chilled night, watched bridesmaids on DVD (which was one of my pressies from the boy) and then bed, a lazy lie-in and then to town for some sale shopping yesterday... WOOOOOO!! the boy had some exchanges to do and we walked about in a state of festive (oops, DARN IT, theres that word again!) bliss. it was fabbooosh :-) and i felt genuinely content. the only downer was that i was putting off eating again. i find that when im busy or doing something, i avoid eating.... we didnt have brekkie befire we left the house, just some juie for me and coffee for him, we stopped for lunch but since my tummy was still worrying me, i just had a drink and some melon. not great. i know he was worried, but he didnt force me.... its so annoying, cos all the time i was there i was worried about how thin i looked and the fact that im pretty sure ive lost weight again and am now back to my lowest range, but i cant seem to translate that into allowing myself to eat more.

i am coming to terms with doing less walking. but i still cant seem to feel comfortable eating more... and when i dont feel hungry and therefore eat less, i feel good for it. its not right. im worried about the ED taking a stronghold again.... i find it easier when i am being spontaneous or distracted by the boy (he got me a packet of jelly belly beans and we were mucking about eating them, i ate loads and only felt abit bad afterwards!!!) So im trying to stay in an occupied state. my mum is coming home today (still no shower... i just washed my hair in the sink again. urhhh. dont worry tho! i showered at the boys house, im not THAT skanky!!!) but i told the boy i was worried about slipping back into routine, so i think he's gonna try and come down to stay here tomo... i havent even THOUGHT about new years yet!

so much to do, so little time eh?!

I will leave you there as this has been somewhat EPIC and i dont want your eyes to fall out and smoosh up your keyboard :-p

What are your plans for NYE?

are you going all out or chilling it low-key?

i need ideas!!!

xxx