7days either way...

Mornin chill-pills...!

did anyone else used to pretend tic-tacs were "special" pills?!?!

are you feeling the cold like i am? i know i bang on about it being cold as balls, but seriously. it is REALLY chillsome!!! im looking at the forecast for the week and we're at a minus degrees average with a chance of snow over the next couple of days. Brrr much? Brrrrr alot!

Anyways, lets have a little recap of the past few days. this is a post about 7days either way cos i feel like the past 7days and the next 7days are gonna be some pretty epic ones. I didnt mention it in my last post, but a week ago (last weekend) my best friends little brother passed away. We knew it was coming but ohmygosh, i was not prepared like i thought id be... i was really upset for him. he has been such a brave big brother throughout this and i just felt so incredibly moved for him... anyways. Of course i said i was there for him whenever, but only yesterday did he feel ready to see people, so i went round and we had a nice afternoon hanging out and just remembering good times. i told him how proud of him i was... he looked so tired, but i guess now that the pressure is off him, his body is trying to regain a bit of its normality. He's been in "fight or flight" mode for so long now, his body is shattered... i just had to give him a massive hug. Things are gonna be tough for him next week over xmas and i just hope he can take this new year as a chance to focus back onto himself and HIS future... thats what his bro wouldve wanted.

Also after i broke up on thurs, i went upto london for the yearly fam (dram) meal with my sis and my dad.... it was actually really nice! Oooh i was a little nervous. Firstly cos i was not feeling my bestest. after breaking up from school, i came home, sat down and promptly fell asleep for the next day. i was (and still am...) SO tired. my body aches, it craves warmth and sleep and doesnt want to get up and move about anymore! So it was abit of a slog to get up there and sit and chat while all i wanted to do was curl up in my cosy bed. But i went, i enjoyed it and im glad i went... then i stayed over at our family friends house (which was sooo cold. i cant believe some people sleep in beds without electric blankets?! its madness... i will NEVER not have one in my bed, its the best thing ever!) Then again, the next day it was sooo hard to get up. even tho mum got up and left at about 5am, to get to her fair... there was no WAY i was joining her at that hour!! I lazed in bed until i felt so bad i had to get up and then make my way to meet her (with if im honest, too much walking involved... :-s) Granted, the end of term was a full-on affair and i know i need to rest up and get my strength back, but id be lying if i said it didnt play to my ED fears... i feel lazy! i know its a good thing that i dont want to get outside and walk alot. cos to be honest, its too damn cold! its not enjoyable.... so im passing up on walking (i know, WHAT?!?!) which is good, but im having some serious trouble dealing with the anxiety of being more sedentary while other people are still active.

BAH!

anyone have any ideas on how to get the comparison thoughts out of my head???

sometimes i wish i could just put on somebody else's head and walk around easy for a while....

I know i have to get used to doing less so that i can have a basic level, not go over it and then i wont feel that urge to eat less if i havent done "enough". i need to get my new MP on the go too, cos i have been naughty and skipped a few lunches/snacks since i broke up and am out of my work routine... its scary how quickly it falls apart if i let it. i just struggle SO much with sticking to a timeframe. like if i have breakfast late, i dont want lunch, then i dont want to eat till dinner and then i feel bad for not having enough and plus, i WANT to try all these things and i feel stupid for not letting myself! I know i will have to do it over the holiday anyways, so whats stopping me from cracking it out now???

Oh yeah, the holiday! i forgot! okay, so we ARE going away now... only to france tho, to stay in our friends apartment which they are lending us. Its still gonna be crazy, me, the sis and the mumatron in one tiny apartment? Hmmm. but i am making a real effort to be nice to the sis and i want to make a real effort to do the food thing so that it isnt hard for my mum. I have asked for us to do lots of plan-filled days, like trips and adventures and stuff, so that im not just sat there dwelling on how little exercise ive done and how much i have to eat... i need me some distractions!!! If you can think of any good ideas of thinsg i can do or take to do in a small frnech apartement, let me know!!! we have sky and dvd, so i will take films to watch, and books and i will have my laptop so i can blog thank gaaaad! (yup, expect some very waffley "i dont have anything to do, so ill pester you guys if you dont mind!" style posts coming your way :-p) I just really hope i can use this time to chill out and de-stress. as opposed to getting MORE stressed and restricting. I keep feeling SO close to getting this recovery going on, then i get cold feet or scaredy boots or whatever and put it off. ive been putting it off so too damn long now, its getting silly.... i look in the mirror when i do my morning abs strength stuff and i can see the bones and the ribs and stuff and it grosses me out. i like that my stomach is flat and i can see definition, but the rest of me is disgusting... i hate the fact that my shoulders feel all bony and my arms are all concave and wasted, my bum is non-existant and my legs are like twigs... i look like a broken little bird and its not attractive. i dont feel like a woman, i feel like a fraud. i want to look sexy and curvy but im scared of that at the same time. Im scared that if i eat ill become something im not, im scared that if i stop exercising i wont be able to start again, or that ill suddenly become unfit or unhealthy or some crap. its all so confused in my head, its like the wires are all chewed up or something and it doesnt quite make sense to me anymore. i know what im doing is wrong and counterproductive, but yet i cant seem to work out where to press pause....

GAH, this has taken a downwards turn hasnt it?!?! haha, ok. so the NEXT 7days are exciting, right?! its christmas so soon!!! i am seeing friends on monday and then packing my warm jumpers to go to france on the tues. WOOOOO! im looking forwards to a change of scenery... altho im gutted that i wont get to see the boy before xmas. its been like 2weeks!!! he was recording this weekend and we tried to have a fly-by meeting on the friday, but it didnt work out, so now i wont see him till the 27th, when i get back from France. Ahh, it'll be fine. im hardly one of those "clingy" girls who gets upset if shes away from her guy for more than 10mins!! plus, absence makes the heart grow fonder! (and i still have to get his pressies sorted anyway... EEK!)

So here we are, the final countdown to christmas time... in summary, im tired, im cold, im excited and i STILL havent finished my shopping (let alone gotten a tree!) So its just aother year in the crazy life of moi. SURE, its disorganised and slightly scary, but i dont think id have it any other way :-)

Have you got your tree decorated and your gifts neatly arranged under the artfully arranged branches? or are you like me, running round like a headless chicken trying to get some kindof festive fabulosity sorted in time?!?

Whatever you have planned for the week, make it a good'un!

Big Bauble Love to you all :-p

xxx