Afternoony y'all.
Im feeling abit poopy today, just tired and narky and bluuuuuue.... alot of people are getting sick at school but strangely enough, ive avoided all the bugs so far! (touch wood!!!) I read a post about how when you are very underweight, your body cant afford to waste energy fighting off illnesses so it doesnt bother to pick them up in the first place or something! weird logic, but im not complaining... i hate sniffles! A girl at work was off last week and she said she was so bunged up and phlegmy that stuff started actually coming out of her ears aswell as her nose... i was like EEEEWWWW!!!! i was SO not impressed with that snippet of information, especially as i was about to go for lunch. nice touch lady....
I actually had a really good day today, i like thursdays at school. I have some of my nice groups and they always pick me up when im down :-)
Anyway, tomo is my sisters birthday party. her actual bday is on sat, but we're doing the shindig on friday cos, hey... that makes life soooo much easier for people who work outside of london to get a train in rush hour and then panic and have to get changed in the loo at liverpool st station while praying the tubs are running ok and leaving your umbrella on the platform. NOT!!! Meh, ill survive.
i just hope it all goes smoothly. our family feuds have a tendency to kick off at bdays! at my last one, my mum and dad had a big old barney cos my dad had "forgotten" my bday on the actual day amongst other stuff, so my mum stormed off out of the restaurant... leaving my sis to have her pop at my dad, telling him all the shizz that we've avoided saying but stored up like fizzy pop waiting to explode. then SHE stormed out. so i was there, sitting like a doofus in my party frock, wondering if this meant i was going to have to walk home!!! ahhh, it was pretty epic. but dont worry... i have higher hopes for this year's :-p
Lets hope it doesn't end in a food fight!
But less of the me-talk. Cos its my sis's big day this time, and she's turning 30!!! That to me is sooo scary! i mean, she's my sister, the one who moans and whines and generally acts like a ten yr old most of the time! i cant believe she's gonna be thirty. I worry for her, cos she is by no means a responsible adult... yet she's entering the next chapter of her life where she will HAVE to be. i just hope she sees this as a good time to maybe face up to some of her issues and get help. otherwise i wonder whether she'll ever be able to lead a happy normal life, get a family, have kids etc... rather than end up living on her own with seventy cats and my mum on speed-dial! not to be mean, cos god knows i have ssues that im dealing with, and yes.. i DO live with my mum! but i am addressing those issues and getting help (and i only live with the mumatron cos the rent is cheap and she buys me food :-p)
OH OKAY and i quite like her silly ways..... she's an unknowing comic! i swear some of the stuff she does cracks me up and she has no idea! i wish i could secretly film her for a day, it'd make for some laugh-and-a-half reality tv!!!
Right, where am i?! ive lost my thread again.... (surprise surprise)
oh yeeeah, my sis. Bday. gotcha.
So im a little panicky about the party food situation, canapes and drinks and lots of people all looking at me and asking how i am. im not gonna pretend it doesnt freak me out! but luckily, i think everyone will be more focussed on her, so i can float around in the background being the younger sis...! im gonna be knackered anyway, i just hope i last the night!!!
Anyways, i better go plan my outfit... i have NO idea what to wear. i have a wardrobe jam packed with lovely clothes that im too afraid to wear cos they dont fit right. it drives me MAD!!! I hate that this ED stops me from indulging n one of my greatest passions... fashion. see girls walking about in nice clothes and looking GOOD and it makes me so frustrated that i let myself get like this. I WILL fight this, i WILL get back to being one of those girls, enjoying life and fashion and all the fun things that come with being a girl :-) On the upside, it gives me a kick up the ass to fight harder... cos ive decided that if im to kick this ED, i need to approach it in a different way, no more hiding behind the fear of being scared or anxious or getting upset... thats just ED keeping me in my place. Well if im to move forwards i need to face UP to those fears, tackle them head on. cos if im not finding it hard, im not fighting hard enough!
ive been trying to work out how i can CUT exercise out completely without feeling guilty... Any ideas??? cos believe me i have tried and tried... but somehow i always run back to my walking (excuse the bad pun there!!!) But it genuinely is one of the only things that clears my mind and lets me just let go of the everyday hustle and bustle in my head. but then i see that its not helping me at all and it worries me. Carrying on is not going to help me feel less compulsive about it, cos i do think that i use walking as a way of purging calories... i always feel less able to eat more if i havent walked much. So there we go, exercise addiction pop yourself on the list with the others... :-(
Mum was telling me about a guy who she knows who sells mopeds and might do me a good deal and im mighty tempted to get one....!!! i never really use my car anymore and i have such good memories of when i had my moped in my reckless wild teenage years :-p
Too Cute!!
And who knows, maybe bringing that part of my life back will entice me to bring back the girl i was then too?!? (except maybe without the staying out all night, sleeping in fields and skiving off school... hehe) cos lets face it, its waaaay too fun scooting about to worry about lack of walking!!!
Yeeeehaaa!!!! return to the wildside!
Whats the wildest thing you've ever done in your time?!?
or are you still a wildchild at heart!?!
Hope your week is winding down nicely and have a great weekend....
whatever comes your way :-)
The explanation for why people who are underweight don't get sick very often is a bit more complicated and dangerous than that. When you get a virus it's not the virus that makes you feel ill, it's your immune system fighting off the virus. That's what causes the high temperature, runny nose, cough etc. When you are underweight your immune system becomes compromised - it stops working properly. So you still catch viruses as normal, but your body can't fight them off properly. You end up feeling constantly run down but never really having any major symptoms, unless your body comes across a virus/bacteria that is really powerful, and then you're in real trouble. So the explanation is not that you don't catch colds when you're anorexic - it's that you don't fight them. It's scary :( I remember that happening to me, the first time in years that I got properly sick was about seven months after I started gaining weight, and I was so pleased that my immune system was working properly again! My neutrophil count used to be in the region commonly seen in chemo patients. Bad stuff.
ReplyDeleteHave to say love, I think stopping exercise without feeling guilty is never going to happen. The goal isn't to get rid of the anxiety because that only happens after months of weight restoration - the goal is to learn to cope with it in ways other than restricting and exercising.
The wildest thing I ever did is not suitable for this blog :P I am usually such a shy little thing, but when I let myself go I REALLY let myself go!
I hope you enjoy your sister's birthday :)
I have the exact same fear of social gatherings, but it seems to me that it always turns out ok, despite my fears :) I know it will be fine :)
ReplyDeleteAnd as far as the exercise goes, stopping that addiction is definately important. It isn't going to be easy, but it is necessary. The way I did it was honestly by filling my day with other things. Remember that it is just important to sit down and enjoy a good book for a few hours as it is to exercise. Perhaps even more important! You will, in time, find another outlet for your anxiety, I promise. And remember, stopping exercise doesn't have to be a permenant thing. And keeping that in mind, your exercise, when you go back to it with a healthier mindset, will be SO much more enjoyable and beneficial to you :)
Stay strong, I know you can do this!
Scott
aaah, we are in the EXACT same place with walking right now. I think we're meant to help each other with this. Check your e-mail, love! : )
ReplyDeletexxx
so the one thing that helped me to stop walking so much is when my doctor from the treatment centre told me in my face that I look like a freak when I walk around all the time. Seriously she said that I should go and set my employment to 'walker' as in someone who does nothing all day but walking. Well and then I realized I don't want to look like a freak to other so I stopped and started to be more like a 22-year old. Of course I still have days where I feel guilty but those days I try to occupy myself with things that people our age do like being on FB, watching TV, going out for a drink ;)
ReplyDeletelet's skype and talk about this hun