Afternoon peeps :-)
I am on the mumatron's laptop cos for some reason, mine STILL wont connect to the internet. I am completely at a loss! Why me?!?!?! what did MY laptop do wrong?! why does hers work & not mine?!
If anyone has any apple mac skillz that they want to share please do!!! I cant figure out why my laptop wont connect, when i have pretty much the same as mums, but older.... i hate to be childish, but i just wanna shout
WHYEEEEEEE?!?!?
Im sure you can relate to my pain! :-p
Speaking of pain tho, my legs have been giving me gyp lately... (HAHA i love that saying, "giving me gyp" it reminds me of old grannies with bad hips and arthritis..... i can relate! im a granny at heart. i ROCK the electric blanket and orthopaedic socks... hey, why fight it?! im just getting in some practice :-p)
I dunno if its to do with my walking, it must be... i am still doing way too much. I did want to spend the weekends not doing anything, since i walk so much during the week going to and from work and then being active at work. but its never enough for ED y'know. I cant just "take the weekend off" that would be lazy and then i wouldnt be keeping up with the normal routine. Its so frustrating. Plus i can feel that its bad. Like not only in my legs hurting, but in my mind telling me that this compulsion is not healthy.... i feel bad if i do and bad if i dont. Damned either way!
One thing i did notice yesterday, was that i feel alot more tired lately. Like my body is just saying, "gimme a break already, ive done enough!" Even tho im at a higher weight now than i have been in a while, i feel physically more exhausted and drained. Why is that???
Just doing day-to-day things that i managed before, seem like a strain now.... i have to walk up a big flight of stairs to get to my classroom everyday (the building is converted from what used to be an old house, im on the floor... penthouse babay!!!) and lately, that last flight has been killer. my legs hurt, my breath is caught and i feel pooped. I know at my low weight and BMI exercise is considered detrimental, but i just still cant convince myself that its bad... Its like i tell myself, that when i get to a BMI of 16 or 17 then i can start thinking about walking and stuff again, but somehow the ED keeps me doing it, cos "exercising is healthy, it cant be bad...." and i worry that if i stop, then i wont be able to start again, or ill lose fitness or something stupid. Which i KNOW is the ED talking, cos look at all those celebs that start a fitness regime, lose a ton of weight and release a dvd. (not that i advocate those quick weight-loss things, they only ever end up putting it back on and some...) but my mind doesnt process logicality (is that even a word?!?!) and i cant bring myself to give it up.... i guess im still scared :-(
Does stopping exercise actually have that great of an effect on your weight?? if i did stop cold turkey, would my weight suddenly soar?
Cos i keep toying between either just UPPING MY DAMN CALS!!! or stopping the exercise. Now i find it realy tough, cos one feeds the other. If i eat more, i will want to be able to exercise a BIT. So if i upp the cals and keep the walking (to a sensible amount) is that better than trying to keep consistent with the intake im having now but dont exercise???
Im tempted to try and go the higher intake way, cos i AM active already, id find it hard to stop totally... and also, my warped mind still tells me that if im eating more, then i should at least try and keep fit so my body will distribute it evenly. is that a silly thought???
what do you think???
I have therapy tomo after work, and altho i am looking forwards to it (i love to chat!) im also slightly dreading going in feeling like ive just wasted another week... yet again.
So here comes another week. Man, ive really gotta start making this time count. I dont want it to slip by again... When spring is sprung, i wanna be sprung too, despite my practising, im not an old granny yet!!!
"An old day passes, a new day arrives,
The important thing is to make it meanigful..."
Dalai Lama
hunny this is your life. YOU need to do what is good for you!
ReplyDeleteI always thought I need people's approval to eat more and stop being a bitch to myself. But no this your life. you feel the hunger, the pain and the feeling of being trapped in this!
YOU can do this love
stay strong and bite the bullet and do it!
Stopping exercise had very little effect on my weight. When I was actually doing cardio while I was sick I stopped losing weight entirely - it's a weird effect of cardio that happens to some people at low weights, something to do with glycogen and the fact that your metabolism slows down further if you exercise at a low weight, to stop you destroying your body completely. Then when I was walking for hours every day and stopped suddenly the only thing that happened was that I stopped losing weight. I didn't gain anything, just started maintaining for a few days, and then my weight began to drop again. It had about the same effect that adding a couple of hundred calories to my intake did when I was really sick - pretty negligible.
ReplyDeleteI will reply to your email asap, I was at my boyfriend's house this weekend so I didn't have my interwebz :P
CLEMMY!
ReplyDeleteDid you write this post, or me? 0_o. I swear those words could have come straight from my mouth, lol. My team has threatened to take away my exercise altogether at my appts on Friday if I was still unable to control it this week. So far, it's been better than it was but still more than DOUBLE what they want me to do in a day. Gosh, it' so freaking hard!
The conflict you described between eating more cals. and keeping the exercise or cutting it out altogether is SO relatable to me. For some reason, I don't think I could eat the way I am now without exercise...even though I know how crazy and ridiculous that is. I haven't gained in over a month because my exercise has been so out of control...removing the exercise would be getting back on track! But I. just. can't. Gah...ed has such a strong hold over my walking. It's absolutely the most intense part of my ed, even more than eating fear foods. Stopping exercise makes me feel like I need to stop eating altogether! 0_0 How irrational is that?? God, ed...ugh.
I'm sorry I haven't e-mailed you! I will today or tomorrow so we can help eachother with this! Feel free to e-mail me too, I could use all the support I can get!
xxx