Im (more or less) back online. which can only deserve one thing.... a big ol'
YIPEEKIEYAY!!!!
Im not gonna tempt fate tho, cos it keeps cutting out and working then stopping. so i thought i better stop by and say howdy while i DO have some connection. espesh since if the weather is anything to go by, the internet will be blown away with the gales :-p
It is WINDY here!!!! like full on breezy windypops. i went out with the dog this morning and i was actually blustered off the path!!! (yes i know, it doesnt take much to blow me over but STILL!!!) it was full on hair whipping wind. and i looked like i was rocking some serious marge simpson locks when i got in!
I actually quite like her hair! Shh...
Still, i do love it when its windy outside and your inside, all cosy and listening to the gales crash about outside! it makes me feel all safe :-)
Lately, ive been thinking alot about safety and how some of the things that makes me feel "safe" are actually barriers from getting healthy...
Cos with ED, alot of my perceptions get mixed up and muddled about. Things that ive convinced myself i like, are actually just things that fuel my disorder. Ditto, there are things that i used to love and then decided did not fit in with my anorexic lifestyle that got left behind on the wayside. This sucks...
My friend came told me this week that his brother has been diagnosed with cancer and he has been taken into a special hospital in london. it IS treatable and he will be out in a few months, but the way my friend was so concerned and felt so helpless made me think about how my family and friends must feel watching me chip away at my health and my happiness with this ED. The nasty thing about this illness is that it makes you incredibly selfish... everything is about you, your food, your body, your routines.... and heaven forbid anyone should try and get in the way of that.
I was thinking about some of the things i have done to get my own way, like avoiding social events, letting people down, even just being a nasty b*tch to be around cos something hasnt gone the way ED would want it... its depressing.
I apologised to my mum last night, and naturally she said "what for??" and i just said "for it all...." Cos i didnt know how to lump together the frustration and the pain she must feel living with an anorexic...
I wanted to make things better, i wanted to take away what i have done to myself and to my family and friends... but i cant. and thats not a bad thing (weird, but hang on....!)
cos...
i cant control life!
However much i may want to, or ED may make me believe i can... its simple. I cant. Bad things happen, i have to make peace with that. If someone is upset, i can console them and try to help... but i cannot take away the fact that something has made them upset.
And when i can make peace with this fact, then hopefully i can make peace with myself and my body... cos that is where i need to let go of the control the most.
Do u like the windy weather?!?!
are you an inside hider or a blustery braver??!?!
Wishing you a wonderful (and not too windy!) weekend...!
hahaha, now theres alliteration at its best :-p
hey girl,
ReplyDeleteit's funny yet ironic at the same time, at the amount of posts i read that i can so closely relate to. i find myself apologising to those who i treasure the most, alot! in response, i always get a comforting answer yet i know the pain i have caused will never be erased, which hurts alot, just like you said.
i can't really give much advice, but hey, i know how you're feeling ;]
oh, and windy days?? well i LOVE storms, but after cyclone Yasi here in Australia this past week, i wouldn't say i like the wind much persay.
stay strong, + all the best with your internet connection ;]
rhiannon xo
it's so windy!! i opened the car door when i stopped at a service station (which was fairly high up and exposed so maybe this made it worse) and thankfully there was no car parked next to me but the wind was so strong that when i opened the door it just flung open so fast and strong i actually swore outloud and took mental note to always be more careful.
ReplyDeletei think im mentally scared from car doors opening on another car because when i was really little i remember being on a ferry to france and the cars are all parked really close on board etc and i opened the car door with no spacial awareness and full on dented the mans car next to us. he was VERY angry. *shivers with the fear of man*
anywayyyyyyyy.
yes yes, i also find myself saying sorry for my actions. i blame myself a lot or some stuff, even when i shouldn't.
havent been around posting in a while, but im still reading ;)
*STALKERRRRRR*
well blog soon
i actualy have A LOT to update with.
xxxx
Ha, the wind is crazy, i currently always have hair all over my face, and cycling is near enough impossible! Gee i love england so much.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel with people watching you waste your life om this illness, but you are right, you can turn this around yourself, it has to come from you but you will have lots of people around you to support you.
Anyway, before i go off on one, i pray this week at work is good for you, i hope you face ed head on!
Oh, and apparently, internet connections are slow/dropping due to bt changing to fibre optics.
Sophie x
Hi there! My name is Alli and I've been a reader for a few months now of your blog and a bunch of others. I finally decided to get my own blog and join this lovely and supportive blog community!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel about feeling the need to apologize to others for having to live with someone with an ED. Although it's toughest for us, I can't help but be upset when I think of the worries that my family and boyfriend have such as being able to go out to eat, which restaurant to pick, having the right foods available in the house, having to eat at different times that I do because I am "not ready to eat yet" or have eaten too recently. They're supportive for the most part, but at times I just want to scream because it takes an even bigger toll on me to have to follow my ED's guidelines and restrictions, and I often find it embarrassing the extent to which I still to my ED's rules, regardless of where I am or who I am around.
Well, I can tell you that I know how hard it is to want to apologize to our friends and loved ones for our ED behaviors...sometimes I tell myself "Just chill out and eat normally, and everything will be normal again..." but it's much MUCh easier said than done. Let's hope that the day comes soon when I can actually follow my own rational advice!!
Very nice to meet you - you have a wonderfully relatable and inspiring blog! :)
Alli