the right path.

Now be honest...

does anyone else feel like 2011 is kindof a teeny bit possibly almost...

exactly the same as 2010?!?!?

Not that im not pysched for a new year and a fresh start, cos believe me, I AM!!! But this is why i never make New Years resolutions, cos those first few days after new years always fly by and before you know it, you've broken all those "golden rules" that you planned to keep! I mean COME ON!!! it takes 28 days to break or make a habit... (gotta thank this girly for that little gem of knowledge!) So its madness to think that you can suddenly turn your life around in the space of a few hours, especially if you've been out celebrating the night before! Its almost like setting yourself up for failure!!! Im much more in favour of the slow and steady wins the race way of thinking. I know i am not gonna be able to change my eating patterns JUST because its a new year, if it was that simple, id have done it months ago... But i AM going to try and make changes... SMART changes.

specific, measureable, achievable, realistic, time-based

changes

Im not going to make a list, cos that is something i do so often... list things and try to tick them off. I like this method, but in the past it has got me into trouble because if i dont meet those goals i start feeling worthless again and then achieving them seems impossible. but i am going to try and be more honest with myself...

Im gonna praise myself if i feel i have done well, but remember that success is measurable and i need to keep challenge myself to go outside my comfort zone... Which is something ive realised im NOT doing. i do a little bit of it, and think OOH yay me. But realistically, in the grand scheme of weightgain, im not doing nearly enough. ED has been tricking me and ive fallen for it, like a SUCKER!!!! but im on to his games now. Changes have already been made. I told my mum everything, i let go of abit of that control. GOD it was scary... i said i needed to show her my MP and go thru what i was meant to be having (cos what ive been having is NOT whats on my MP im ashamed to say, but she had no clue... i just reeled off excuses like ED told me to)

Follow the right path... NOT the easiest!

But i dont want to do that anymore. i want to be honest with her and with myself, ive held up my hands and admitted that i cant do this by myself :-(

Now comes the next step, can i do this with her help or is that still not enough. i dont know. We talked thru it all this morning and i was anxious as anything, i made her wait to have breakfast with me cos i was so nervy! Then when she made hers i couldnt make mine, i was like frozen. But she said, come on... its getting late, we need to do this. And i could put it off no more....

This is the inside of my head right now!!!

I had a bowl of cereal and then as i have taken to doing, finished off her leftover piece of toast. But when we went thru the MP and talked about the numbers, i said ooh, that was about 500 cals... she was like "urrm, no it wasnt". And i know she's right, the overestimating thing is a killer, what ED sufferer doesnt round up?! I need to start rounding down, even forgetting the numbers and just HAVING MORE!!! So i had another piece of toast and you know what, it was ok :-)

This makes me think, ok, i dont really need IP... but then mum just went off to london to help my sis sort thru the flat some more and what do you know. i SKIP LUNCH. this wasnt intentional, i had to go into town and buy a new laptop charger cos mine decided to pack up yest and i had zero battery life left (£49... are you freakin KIDDING me?!?!?) GRRR!

But anyways, i ran late... went to M&S to pick up a sammie, but nothing i liked was left (it was nearly 3pm - go figure) So i say ill make something at home, but as usual... i get home and i dont feel like it and its getting late and the dog is going crazy cos she's been cooped up all day and needs to pee and ARGHHHGGHGH, i cant deal. i go into autopilot.

I plug in my new charger, i eat an orange and i take out the dog...

This is so messed up, cos a normal person on autopilot would MAKE SOME FOOD, cos that is our instinct for survival. But no, my brain is skewered, so my instinct is to avoid food and skip to the next thing.

So im back to square one. If i had my mum on my back 24/7... YES i probs could do this a hell of alot better than i can on my own. But even then, i dont know if it will work... Cos i know that this wont be easy, i will kick up a fuss and get angry with her and she will get upset and then guess what, ill feel guilty and horrible and this will no doubt affect my eating (i have real trouble eating when stressed or upset, food is NOT my comfort sadly) Im willing to give it a go, i have explained to her that i dont want our relationship to suffer because of this and she must be thick-skinned and not get upset by the ED fighting against me and her. But it still worries me, are we too close??

Has anyone got experience with family helping them recover??

Has ur relationship been affected by recovering at home rather than IP??

So then im back to the IP option, i cant help but think it would be a golden solution, but i dont want to make it into this "miracle cure"... its just so easy to think that you can go away for a month and have all your problems fixed. I dont actually think that, i know that its hard work whether you're at home or in hospital, but the fact that you dont have the closeness with the staff there, they expect you to be difficult with food, but they dont take any crap! Also the fact that you are surrounded by people in the same situation as you appeals to me. I havent had any reference to ED's, and i find it VERY hard to eat to gain when everyone around me is thinking about new year diets... If i was around other people who were struggling as i am, maybe i wouldnt feel so isolated. PLUS the added therapy and day-to-day challenges must be much more effective than my weekly hour long therapy, which is great! but its not enough, i dont have any support for the remaining 167 hours in the week.

Ok, im gonna end off here or ill keep rambling forever!! I think im worried cos i go back to work in 2 days and i know that when i get back into work mode, i love it and get fully immersed in what im doing... At the moment, the only thing i can focus on is recovery and im not sure that will be top of my mind when im back at work. Altho i know i eat more when im working, the underlying issues are still there, bubbling under the surface, unresolved... i still feel guilt and i still restrict & overexcersice, which means im burning up alot more energy.

I want to wait and see whether i can do this when i get back to school, but the way ive (NOT) managed today makes me think maybe i need to face upto the fact that i need professional help in a more rigid structured setting. We will see.... I start back on weds and i see my T on fri. So i will ask him what my position is regarding the time i would spend IP and whether i could defer it till the holidays if im still not making significant progress.

PHEW, enough of that!!! I hope you're all recovering from the festivities of New Years! I have to say, the amount of rubbish lying out on the streets the next morning was crazy! (has anybody else noticed how hard it is to tell the difference between kebab shop food and sick?!?) i honestly couldnt tell which was fresh and which was, ahem... "fresh"!!!

thankyou all for your replies to my last post, you guys are the best :-p

Im going thru a rough time at the moment, but i know there IS an shiny light at the end...

I just need to keep on trucking, cos this isnt forever!

The spinning always stops eventually :-)

Aaaaand on that note, ill say toodles for today. But cos im nice like that, ill leave you with a little Costa Rica Taster for ya....! (im sorry, the holiday post IS coming, why is it that you come back from holiday and have a GAZILLION other things to deal with!!!)

Sitting on my balcony... BLISS!

Later Potaters!

xxx