And so passes another week....
Where the hell does it go?! i feel like i go to sleep on a sunday night and then BOOM its friday evening again... theres so much happening in between, that i honestly lose track of my life and the things that fill it... in particular, RECOVERY.
I feel like alot of the time i am coasting... i wake up, i eat and i go to work. the ED thoughts bumble around my day but most of the time i dont have time to dwell on them for too long, which is GOOD (or so my therapist says, cos i tend to gain more consistently during term-time) but it also mean that i tend not to challenge myself much. i almost shy away from putting myself in that "scary" place in case it interrupts my busy schedule. Hands up who wants a teacher who is only half-focussed cos she's freaking out about eating a 'bigger lunch'. No ta!
Uh-ohhhhh...!
But I cant keep hiding behond this excuse of being 'busy'. cos even tho i AM still gaining (weigh in was on thurs, woopwoop!) but ill be honest, its not alot... not enough to really count as GAINING, its more like maintaining with an A+... just a little trickle up each week. Enough to keep my T off my back, but not enough for me to freak out and start worrying.
Which makes me think, well... if im technically maintaining with benefits, i need to step up my game. yes, i HAVE cut my exercise and eat more freely, but i am still holding onto alot of the ties to my anorexic habits. the need to do SOME form of walking every day, the need to stick to foods i know i like and feel comfortable with.
This is stagnant recovery.
I want to be relaxed about things again... so its time to take another step into the unknown. I havent decided what its going to be yet, cos i dont want to set myself targets that i may not meet and then feel guilty about. i know im on the right track, im gaining. But i just want to kick things up a gear so that i dont drag this on and on and on... i think it makes it harder. Confrontation was never my thing, but i think its time i stood up for myself!!!
My therapist says he can see that i am getting stronger, getting more able to say NO to anorexia... and I think he's right! This week i agreed to something i would NEVER have done before. A work dinner. Just the girls... they are abit older than me, granted. And we dont "hang out" as a group of teachers (GOD no!) but something like this is important i think, to show that i AM present at the workplace, that im not snubbing people etc. Anorexia is a terribly isolating illness and its time i put myself out there in the professional side of my life, instead of being the "mysterious" one! ha, as if!!!
if only mystery meant driving around in a van as cool as this!
Anyway, so the plan is to all go to this restaurant. We all have to pick off a set menu and i wont lie, ive had a look and im freaked!!! but i CAN do it. its one night, it wont make any difference to my weight, but it will make a hell of a big difference to ED's control over me :-)
So there you go... another week another opportunity to keep sticking it to the ED!
Time flies by too fast to let things pass you by... we need to take back the right to do the things we want!
And what i want right now, is to have a chilled weekend with the boy (who's heading over as i type) and NOT worry about eating less and walking more. I want to enjoy the time we have for what it is, not for the chance to manipulate it into an ED controlled situation.
Enjoy the weekend lovelies!
the sun's shining here (even if it is bitchin cold) and the world is my oyster :-)
x
I absolutely love this:
ReplyDelete"but i CAN do it. its one night, it wont make any difference to my weight, but it will make a hell of a big difference to ED's control over me :-)"
Added that one to my quote page :D
Challenging yourself like this is a huge step, and it is really hard I know, but you are doing the right thing 100%. A place of standstill in recovery quickly becomes falling behind, and that forward momentum must be maintained. That's what you are doing now. I am so proud of you :)
Scott
As said above, the meal is a great challenge - it's a huge step with an immediate, quantifiable gain. Completely the right thing to do and totally worth it (restaurant food is the food I miss the most :(). I really hope it goes well.
ReplyDeleteChallenging yourself gets so difficult, especially when you make some recovery steps, but then get stuck in a new comfort zone where you're functioning better but holding on to ED. It's where I am right now too (my therapist said that I'm too stuck so literally exactly the same), so I've just made some huge steps and am completely freaked. I know life is in the way what with school, but life is always in the way, you just have to make the jump. Plus it's half term soon so you will have the time.
Also, I'm completely the same with exercise - I used to go to the gym 5/6days a week and do 4 hours of aerobics classes, but have cut that back to 3 yoga classes a week. Yet still, if I don't walk every day I feel so awful. Constantly surprised by how similar this disease makes us all feel.
Anyway, I really hope your meal goes well and seriously well done for noticing your recovery needs some more work. You don't want to stagnate your right. Just keep pushing and you'll get there. Hope you had a lovely relaxing weekend too!
Scrunch x.
omg that restaurent is a big challenge!!it wont make a differenc eyou're right, i did it on saturday and literally died before and after but now its perfectly fine! :) well done for rising to the challenge finally and getting out there socialising. get over the big lunch we all do it haha and what other better way to get cals in? if you're that worried try drinking a lot of milk, i have been and its helped me get used to eating meals now , that drink works wonders. if you're lactose drink rice milk :) how much yoga do you do- is it a video on youtube or a class, i want to get back to it. i will, today or tomorrow! oh my my hands tured blue yeserday, the weather is cold what you on about?! and my week goes slooooooooooow haha
ReplyDeletemystery machine van- thas AWESOME! :D xxx
Couldn't help but laugh at your comment about who wants a teacher who is freaking out cos of what they have had for lunch. I also teach and sometimes, i can feel myself freaking out and yet i have to keep it together because my students in theory should come before a few extra calories. Never easy.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing brilliantly by challenging yourself.
xx