what a difference a few days makes...

So, im back!

its over midway through the week now....

...and ive been up and down more times than a yo-yo.

here we go.

So after a stressful weekend with the sister, i had a nice sunday with the boy and then the half-term week started properly on monday. a chance to show ED who's boss, right?

sadly not so much.

There were moments of greatness! Going out for dinner on the monday night, i did NOT restrict and i ate a good meal, even had me some chips!!! but it was hard nonetheless. my sis was there and being "overly" nice to everyone else to show what a lovely person she is, while shooting me daggers across the table (we were sat at opposite ends from each other, a planned move from yours truly!!) and altho i had a really nice time and it was great seeing my cousins and uncle, it was slightly tainted by the fact that my ED thoughts were still there. I could see everyone else enjoying their food and tucking into whatever they wanted and yet i was still not present. Yes i ordered something i love (tuna steak with avocado salsa. yum yum yum) but i was still not fully present. y'know. i was still stressing about eating and stuff....

here what i was wearing

spot the gremlin in the background!

It makes me jealous to see my 14year old cousin ordering "full fat" coke and a burger and chips aswell as a starter, cos she fancies it and WHO CARES if its got x amount of calories!!! i used to be like that... i didnt have a care in the world. food was there to enjoy and not to worry about. if theres one thing that i miss the most about my life pre-anorexia, pre-M.E its THAT. the freedom with food, simply not having it feature as a big deal. now its like it occupies most of my thinking in some way or another and even tho i am learning how to control it and not let it take over, im pretty sure it will always be there.

Thats not to say it hasnt provided me with alot of tools. i am stronger and more capable to stand up for myself. i dont really worry about what other people think of me, i am who i am. and it has also given me an awareness of balance. the balance between healthy and unhealthy. that being underweight it JUST as bad for you as being overweight. and that YES, there is such a thing as too skinny and too much exercise CAN be bad for you! so for that im thankful, but im not gonna start saying ta very much to my ED until its well and truly booted out of my life, which at the moment... its still not quite!

Anyways. the day after the dinner (sooo tuesday?) was BAD. i mean i was BAD. i dont want to trigger anyone, but i had such feelings of low self-worth, i couldnt bring myself to eat my full MP because i felt crap and i felt even crapper cos i wasnt eating enough. There was tears, there was frustration and there was me, laying on my bed feeling like a right mess. It made me realise that since ive been eating more, i cannot just go back to "not eating as much" without feeling like sh*t on a stick!!! my body was weak and i felt all sick... i would have got off on the idea of not eating as much in previous times, but not now. i just wondered what the hell i was trying to achieve by putting myself in this position.

so shall i tell you what i achieved?!

nothing.

Yup, Nothing, Nada, NIL! Nobody gave me a gold star for not eating enough, nobody patted me on the back for having that weak, "im hungry and i need to eat" feeling and not listening to it. No, it was completely futile and im glad to say that i see the wood for the trees, because frankly...

this is not a game. this is LIFE.

and there are no winners with anorexia

So tuesday was a write off and i realised pretty quick that my usual half-term/holiday ED tendencies had gotten a hold on me. i needed to stop wallowing and get myself distracted.

Enter one of my lovely friends :-) Who i met up for lunch with on weds. I was still quite deep in ED thoughts at this point, so im not gonna pretend that i wasnt anxious. but i went and had a really nice time! and another revelation hit me as my friend tucked into his TRIPLE club sammie (yes, he had an extra slice of bread in there for good measure!) he was sat there ENJOYING his food, it was bringing him pleasure. why do i feel like i should deprive myself of that simple pleasure if its something that i NEED?? its madness!

So it put my motivation levels back on track and today was a better day. i knew i had an appt and weigh-in with my dietician this afternoon, so i tool along my mealplan C sheet (i moved back to B as i wasnt hitting C after summer's blip...) and i said

"i want in"

She was hesitant, since id already messed u the first part of this half-term week and (sadly) yes i had dropped some weight :-( but i talked her through my feelings and we've come to a compromise... She wants me to go back to my B plan for the rest of the week and then hop up to C when im back in my usual routine at work. Which is sensible, but i wanna start NOOOOOOW!!! im seeng the boy again tomo and i want us to go out for lunch somewhere and for me not to freak out and not want to have anything. I want to hang out with him WITHOUT trying to influence more walking into our schedule.... its gonna be hard. but i think im in the right mindset at the mo and i wanna run with that! so im thinking of implementing a B/C plan, sticking to the most part to my B plan, but maybe trying to challenge myself with a few C plan goodies if i can!

So that people is where i am as of now :-)

Who knows what tomo will be like, im predicting ED will kick up all kinds of fuss and want me to walk and to not eat as much and to chose "safe" foods. but you know what.... i want to ENJOY my food and i cant do that if im watching every morsel and worrying about every bite. Im going to try and practice reactive eating. listening to me and if i cant listen to me, then ill listen to the MP!!!

Wish me luck people and ill be back at the weekend to let you know what progress has been made.... Surely i can do this for ONE day??!?!?! Argghgh now ive tempted fate!!!

stop. be calm. breathe.

i can do this

xx