Hey yoooous.
wordy post coming up...
(prepare your eyes)
Im a little bummed out this week, MAINLY cos im ass-tired... im like a heavy dead weight. I cant be bothered to brush my hair. oh wait, i dont do that anyways, well i cant be bothered to wash/move/talk to anyone.... which i do try to do from time to time :-p
Yeah, im pretty much a NOT fun person to hang around with right now. Harumphf...
But another thing thats been playing on my mind, is my emotions. And the effects that are had on them when struggling/recovering from an ED (and generally from being underweight i guess) Man it sucks monkey balls.... i mean there are ALOT of physical side-effects from having an ED that i dont like, urhh the FREEZING cold, the achy joints, the general mental haze.... but this side-effect is probs the one that makes me feel the most guilty (and pissed off!)
Ok, so im not a big one for confrontation, i dont tend to pick fights, i try not to react to people being idiots cos for the most part... i dont generally care what other people think. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, so if someone doesnt like me, i dont lose sleep over it! i just think, well there are people out there who DO like me... so thats cool :-)
But lately, ive been so non-plussed about stuff that i wonder if my emotions have just turned to mush and oozed down the drain.... (urhh, dont u just LOVE that mental image) Its like i never get those highs anymore, like crazy, exciteable, giggly, hilarity. I miss those funny times. its like i cant seem to express myself properly anymore. Im just a straight line, just flat... not particularly happy, but not particularly sad... im just there.
Oh, except annoyed. Gah, the annoyed emotion is the only one that seems to kick up a fuss these days. and BOY do i hate it.... it messes with my head.
It messes with my life too, cos Im lucky enough to have a guy in my life who gives a damn about me. GOD knows why, cos even when ive uhmmed and ahhed about being in a "relationship" and said im not ready and shut him out cos im stressing about stuff and ALL that... he's still stuck around. I should be happy right? good men like that are like gold dust! But i cant quite get my emotions together... its been bugging me alot lately. I feel like im never really "happy", yknow? im just monotone, a shade of grey... not particularly excited by anything (except food/excercise) and generally abit of a grump! It upsets me cos i used to be a very outgoing, fun person (if i DO say so myself! :-p) but lately i feel like i have fallen into a weird social awkwardness that makes me not want to be around people much, or when i am i just get annoyed and frustrated with myself/them. I really hope this is ED related, cos otherwise... im starting to feel like im not a very nice person! :-s
I like this guy and i like PEOPLE. But when im with them/him, i dont show it... when im not with the boy, i miss him and wonder why im such a grump when he's around. Cos we have fun and we get on and he has the same sense of humour as me which is all cool, but then, sometimes i feel like i dont really CARE. i mean, what do i give back much to the relationship? Its always him that makes the effort, always texts first, always does the things that I want to do... like this weekend for expample, i was just in a low mood cos im tired and stressed and instead of just getting over myself, i took it out on him. picking up on all this stuff that he was doing that was annoying me and the poor boy had to listen to it! I felt bad after and tried to explain myself and say that im not really angry at him, im just abit angry sometimes... but how much can one guy take? i feel so bad for putting him in that situation. i mean, seriously....
...what the hell is wrong with me?!?
Im not a nasty person, but sometimes i feel like such a bitch. I guess its my inner frustration trying to get out somewhere?? please someone tell me that they've felt this, cos at the moment i just feel like the biggest grouch! I snap for no reason, i get bored and distracted and have no interest in most things. things have gotta change!!! i want to have fun and be passionate and all that jazz.... cos nobody wants to hang about with a boring, mean old grump, even ME!!!
So yeah, i felt bad for this weekend... it wasnt great and i felt bad for the boy. But i apologised and he gets that this time of year is especially bad for me. I get very tired and cold and if i dont take care of myself, my M.E kicks up. im basically NOT a good winter person! even tho i do enjoy this time of year, it doesnt agree with me.... i remember a couple of years ago, one of my doctors recommended moving to a warmer country. Yeah, ill just UP STICKS to hawaii shall i?! pay for my new life will you?!?! Hmmm.
Anyways. this week is a busy one cos its half term next week. God knows i could do with the rest.... i havent quite realised how quick this half of term has gone, i always throw my all into the winter term cos its a new year, new pupils, new classes etc... when actually its the time i should be focusing more on me. HA! maybe one of these days ill learn to put myself first :-)
How do you prioritise yourself?
Does your health come first? or is it another thing on the old "to-do" list?!
I wish I could offer you advice, but the truth is I honestly can't. But what I CAN do is tell you that I'm in the exact same position as you are in terms of mood. I've like plateaued at a place that's not HAPPY but not SAD. I'm just...here. Existing in a mediocre way. If I AM to sway more towards one emotion, it's depressed, but otherwise I'm just living as if I've flat lined.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if it's a coping mechanism for stress, or what...but I'm not a huge fan of it and I really don't like being numb. I like to FEEL emotions.
My health doesn't come first naturally, but I'm trying to prioritise it. My to do list is always full of silly tasks that I'm pretty sure I construct in order to place my health lower on the list. Urgh.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, it's always hard when it comes to the boy. EDs make us unpredictable - I know that one week I can feel on top of the world as I've controlled my eating successfully and I feel fun again, but equally restriction can make me miserable. It's the same with recovery too - sometimes I have so much energy and life because I'm eating more, but sometimes eating more makes me feel like rubbish. Any boy worth his salt will take that into consideration and be patient with you, as long as you are actively trying to recover. He should understand that it is a long, hard process but you are moving in the right direction and it will only get better. ED fuels social anxiety to some next degree. I literally can't talk to anyone - I can't even look at people's faces. I can't offer advice except to just keep pushing through all the horrible emotional messes and keep pushing with recovery. It does all sound ED related to me, so as long as your moving forward it will only improve.
One bit of advice I can offer though is just embrace the autumn! Autumnal layering is really pretty and completely warming. And crunchy leaves! And home made soup! And harvest veggies! Autumn is beautiful - just wrap up warm and appreciate how gorgeous the cold can be. (I know being cold is annoying, but right now everyone is cold so you stick out less and also, I've always prefered the cold to the warm).
Don't be so hard on yourself. Rest when you need. Be grumpy when you need. Do whatever your mind and body tells you is best and if it's unpleasent, work through it. Don't beat yourself up - recovery is a rollercoaster of emotion and you end up a bit of a disaster zone but those that love you will stick around and see it through because they care x.
I can totally relate to the way you're feeling. Anxious, easily annoyed, mad. I feel that way a lot... like today! It really sucks because I think it is an ED thing. We aren't like this normally! So we won't always be like this :)
ReplyDeleteHave a great weekend!
Scott