Yeah, i get excited when its halfway to the weekend :-p
what?! like you DONT?!?!?!
This week has been (in a word) a: crazymentaltiringbunchofjellywibblewobblehaventhadaminutesostoprightnowpleasethankyou!
im a walking word jumble...
Yes, i knooooow thats not one word, but i had to compromise! Im glad ive got thru the first part, nutritionist appt, staff meetings, report writing and meeting a friend, but i still have ALOT to go till i can stop and relax.... (therapy tomo, more report writing and a formal lesson observation with the headmaster on fri, eeeek!!!
But im trying to pace myself, cos i am still finding it hard to get my act together in regards to gaining and cutting back the exercise... its like im not in control of my body right now. i started to imagine myself going into ip and letting someone else take control and now ive lost the control I HAD over ed. its not that ive given up, oh FAR from it! im as determined as ever, im just seeing things more clearly now. ive stopped wearing the rose tinted glasses and im seeing all the shit that im putting myself through for this illness. Now usually you;d think this wud kick me into making changes, but for some reason, its left me floating in limbo.... i can see what im doing (or NOT doing) but i cant rationalise my brain to act on this. i need to talk it thru tomo in therapy. cos im not happy about it!
Has anyone else experienced this?
The only way i can describe it is kindof like an "out of mind, out of body" type feeling...
Anyway, its tough. but im determined to get through this. I cant keep stalling and waiting for something to happen to make me do this... I feel like im always waiting for something, like waiting for my next weigh-in, waiting till my next therapy/nutritionist appt, waiting till IOP in april... WHY wait?! its like i need permission to "start" gaining. Im still incredibly scared of changing my habits. it sucks, cos i know if i keep waiting, ill be waiting forever.... It makes me wonder if i made the right choice regarding ip. My nutritionist said maybe i shud have gone, if only just to BREAK those bad habits, have someone checking up on me... cos im just worried im not strong enough at the moment to make it count. Im not reaching 2500, im still walking too much, what can i do??? How can i stop this toxic pattern??
Still, this isnt meant to be a down post! there are always upsides to every downside... i will turn this around and make it into something positive. I just need to will up some energy, my trouble at the moment is that im not getting enough sleep, im stressed and im too busy! Its to mcuh to juggle all at once, somethings gotta give
and sadly at the moment its my focus on recovery..... which quite frankly,
Just Aint Good Enough!
Dont worry guys, ill be back on form soon enough... Lets get this crazy week over and done with and then i can start to focus on what really matters!! (Altho of course, any encouragement would be greatly appreciated! :-p)
so i can remind myself...!
Hope your midweek isnt madness like mine! Keep on truckin, we're nearly at the weekend :-)
xxx
Hey Hun, like I said, whilst you're still indecisive and still have a hectic schedule, nothing in regards go recover is likely to move forward. I think you need to relax , focus, think things through, make z decision. Then you will be able to move forward .xxxx
ReplyDeleteI'm with Fiona - I know it feels like you're too busy to focus fully on recovery at the moment, but to be blunt, without focusing on recovery you may well find that you have no life in a few months time. Not in the literal sense (although anorexia has a very high mortality rate), I mean people can only be functional anorexics for so long before something gives way, and you may well be forced to take time out of your life if you don't get going with recovery now. It IS hard, but it's just a case of stopping the behaviour and dealing with the resulting anxiety. There's no other way around it, no amount of talking will make recovery feel right. You do it first and feel better about it much later on.
ReplyDelete(ooh, I feel like I've been really harsh. I don't mean to come across that way, it's just a case of been there, know what it's like! I'm around for emailing if you ever want to chat - katie_cullinane@hotmail.com xx)
Oh girl, this post hit home for me today - thank you for writing the words I couldn't say! I feel like I'm in the waiting stage too and it's super frustrating! I am not sure what I'm waiting for, because if I keep going, I know where things lead to, but to take that jump, to stop making excuses and start making moves, is really one of the scariest and hardest parts. I wish I had some better advice (like the girls above do) but I want you to know your not alone. Just try to remember to put yourself first. It's hard for me, I can easily get wrapped up in school, and projects, and self-pity, but the only way to turn things around is to make a move. No matter what your decision, life WILL be waiting for you when you get back (from IP, from a self-recovery, whatever it may be). I promise! And if you feel like you need permission to start gaining (bc I know that feeling) - permission granted ;) hang in there sweetheart!
ReplyDelete<3
I'm sorry to hear you're feeling in limbo. I know how frustrating this is. It seems like you've gone from a very open schedule over break to a jam packed schedule now...extremes are never good! They're both so stressful. I think with recovery we need balance in our lives. A bit of activity but not too much stress.
ReplyDeleteYou'll find the balance hun. Even if it takes a bit. IP may have brought it on sooner, but I think finding it on your own might stick more, you know? Plus, if you feel in limbo for too long IP is still always an option right?
Hang in there Clemmy! I'm thinking of you!!
xxx
hunny you can do this!
ReplyDeleteTelling yourslef you're too busy or too full or your stomach hurts is the ED finding excuses and actually makes the stomach pains worse. You just need to do it!! I know it sound so stupid but just do it. no matter how stressed you are just eat however much you think you need to eat to do this. Trust me planning is not your favorite word in reocvery. it gives you axiety and makes the whole process even worse. let go and just let your body guide you a little!
I am here with you hun!
We could skype some time soon if you want :)
xx