mood swings

Now i know im hormonal this week due to a certain lady who pops by for a (not so) welcome visit once a month.... (WOW that was long-winded!)

But sometimes i hate how erratic my moods can be.

Lately ive started to notice how much my ED influences my moods. When things go "right" i am a happy, bouncy, fun person! Similar to the one i was pre-ED... but then when things go off plan, or my routine gets messed up, i turn into this irrational, grumpy, sad, tearful.... (the list goes on!) girl who quite frankly, i dont recognise.

Its scary to think that i can be two different people, saying that, there could almost be THREE! there is the old me, the pre-ED, happy girl who (to be honest) i thought had dissapeared... it was so long since i saw her shine through i almost thought that id lost her completely :-(

BUT... never jump to conclusions! Cos recently, ive seen this side of me come out abit more! Nothing major, the other two sides to me are more present... but to know that somewhere inside me, that girl still lives.... is comforting. I know she'll be back. i just have to kick the other ED sides of me out first!

So, theres THAT side... lets call her "old-me-that-happy-girl-that-we-miss-and-want-back" (what!? you thought i was going to go with a shortened name?!?! oh OK. the "old-me"...

meh, sounds dull. i like the first one :-p

The next side is the omnipresent me. The girl who gets on with her life but isnt really living it. I get up, i eat, i go to work, i eat, i come home, i walk my dog, i eat, i watch tv... yeah, its not especially exciting!!!

Then theres the side i cant quite figure out. i guess its the ED side, the side that i dont recognise, the side that isnt really part of me... its hard to pinpoint when this side pops up, cos somedays its kindof always there, other days it just springs up and ruins a perfectly good moment. Its unpredictable, its unreliable and its BAD NEWS.

Does anyone else have these different "sides" to them?!

and if so....

how do you distingish between what is you and what isnt?

Today i had a perfectly nice day, but when i took the dog out - she didnt come when i called her, she smelled something nice (or nasty more like!) and stubbornly refused to listen to my calls. Sooo i had to go back and get her. Now for some reason this really bugged me. Man, it sounds so stupid when i write it down, i mean you'd think ED would like the fact that i had to walk back, therefore having to do more walking right? but no... it made me mad! And this is when i noticed this extra side to me... the irrational, narky one!

I think its because even tho she is obedient to me, her owner.... she is still her own person (or dog? i dont know quite how to phrase that!) I cant control her actions or her mind. So i was thinking about it as i walked home... it links back to when i try and control what my mum does, getting upset if she doesnt want to eat a big dinner with me, or if she decides to walk to the shops instead of taking the car. Again i fall foul to ED's need to be in charge.

but im not in charge am i...

and i CANT control other people.

really, nor should i want to!

Im so caught up in being in control of my eating and my routine and all the things that influence it, that if they then go slightly off-kilter, it can ruin my mood. I need to start applying the technique of seperating myself from ED into my emotions aswell. If i feel like i am starting to act in an ED way, becoming irritated by silly things or being overly controlling of the situation,

I need to step back and reming myself that this is NOT the real me....

If i can remind myself of that first side of me, yup... the "old-me-that-happy-girl-that-we-miss-and-want-back" (hehe, you know it works!) then i can try and pull myself back and see that this is the ED thinking, not me. URGH, i hate to think that im mind-sharing with a nasty disease, but watch this space, cos if i get my way...

then there's gonna be an ED eviction pretty soon!!!

In other news, weigh in tomo. EEEEK nerves are kicking in right about now. Its been 2 weeks since my last weigh-in, and im starting to worry that i havent done enough to make a change in the scale. i ALWAYS do this, i start beating myself up before i even know what the score is. so this time im gonna STOP, im gonna reflect on those thoughts and i judge them to be "inappropriate ED thinking"... soooo, i will turn that around and in the style of the very savvy sarah, say....

"well done me! i may still be struggling with ED thoughts and behaviours, but i am recognising them for what they are and learning how to act on them and turn them around in a positive way. I will learn from my mistakes and take each day as it comes"

Phew, y'know what... that felt good! i recommend it.... take a second to appreciate what you've got people, cos there's only one of you out there in the whole wide world.

You are special & unique & deserve to feel good!

Ok, love-in over!! :-p

Happy Sunday lovelies

lets make this new week a good'un!

xxx

P.s I just re-read the beginning of this post and can i say OHMYGOD im so SORRY for starting this post talking about my (ahem) cycle!?! what was i thinking!!! i blame the hormones, yup... its the hormones fo sho. (oh dear, here i go again.... seriously. this is me signing out!)

.....and im gone!