ahh guys, i hate to post this up but i really need to be honest...
im struggling again....
(this post may be triggering, so please dont read on if this will affect your recovery, the LAST thing i want is for someone else to be going thru what i am right now)
GAHH, this is so frustrating, and i dont blame you for thinking, GOD this girl is so self-obsorbed its always "yay im doing well, boo im doing bad" i swear there is more to my life, but at the moment it seems to be the thing that occupies the majority of my brainspace. trust me, i dont much like it either!!!
I really felt like i was finally getting things on track last week, but now im stumped again. I have been trying SO hard to cut back on the exercise, but it just makes me frustrated and i find myself taking a walk just to get out of my irritable mood. Plus my mum is still hobbling about on her bad foot and the dog has to be walked.... but its excuses isnt it, i should be able to compromise. if im going to walk the dog, which is more important, then i should cut down on my walking to work and back... but i cant seem to do it. And i cant understand why i cant just CUT BACK. i mean, i know im doing too much, so why is it so hard to just stop? its like i cant get my body to listen, it wants to walk and it wont take no for an answer :-(
I have been pushing myself with my food tho, i havent slipped up on my lunches at all, which im pleased with, but i dont feel like its enough anymore. i feel like im weakening.... my body is so fragile and i can feel my bones sticking out without even touching them. i know theyre there and it is making me feel so disgusted with myself. Im usually such a strong and stubborn person (typical aries!) so its extra annoying that i cant put that into practice with this. Or maybe thats why im finding it harder? cos if IM stubborn, does that mean that my ED is equally so? does it feed on my strengths and turn them into weaknesses to use against me? it sure feels like it.....
Anyway. i dont want to rant on in a self-destructive way. but i just need some advice as to how i can try and get past these negative thoughts and into a more positive place. I have therapy on thurs when i will get weighed again. i didnt have it last week and so its been 2weeks since my last weigh-in. Im not gonna lie.... im very worried right now. Last weigh-in i had actually lost, which obviously was a concern as im still at a very low weight/BMI... but i have a real trouble judging whether ive gained or lost, i just cant tell. so im stressing that i will be lower than last time and if ive lost again then im sure there will be consequences. Im sure that i dont want to go into IP, cos i have so much i want to achieve this summer. i really want to gain, but im so stressed at the moment with work. I know when we break up in 2weeks time i will be able to devote myself fully to this recovery without the excuses of work, but im scared that if dont gain NOW, then i wont be able to show him what i can do when i have 8 weeks of summer holidays to work on it.
My worry is that if i ask for his help with these feelings, then he'll think i cant cope and pack me off to hospital without giving me the chance to prove i can do this. I know this is effectively trying to buy more time and he's given me chances before and really i havent acted on them as fully as i should. but it seems like every time i take a step forward, i always end up taking another step back.
i know they say you shouldnt run before you can walk,
but what happens when im running out of time??
Hun, I'm so sorry that youre sturggling right now :( But NEVER feel bad/feel self absorbed for writing or ranting about it - this is YOUR blog, and you have the right to be as honest as you feel comfortable with.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about making progress in some areas of recovery, but failing at others. I'm in that position too, most of the time. It's AMAZING that youre challenging yourself to more and different foods - that shows that you not only have the WILL to fully recover, but that you are totally CAPABLE, mentally, of doing so! Hopefully your next therapy sesh will help you sort out some of those negative thoughts.
One thing I do sometimes is whenever I'm in a really positive, optimistic mood, I WRITE DOWN the thoughts and justifications to ED's stupid excuses. Then when I'm feeling down + defeated, I look back at what I wrote and it helps keep me on track. Hope that helps somehow!
I hope everything turns out well with the weigh in :S! Stay strong, girlie!!
izzyy
xoxoxx
Oh sweetie, I wish I'd seen this before I emailed you!
ReplyDeleteI'm so so sorry that you're finding things hard. I honestly don't know how to motivate you more. If I could do it for you I would...
It's so positive that you're challenging your lunches now but the good side of you knows that it's still not enough and you're feeling weaker and weaker which IS scary. But it is in your hands. You can turn things around. You have to be really really brave right now and plan out your meals each day and say that you're going to have them and stick to it. Your stubborn streak does mean that your ED is stubborn too and that has been my problem with my illness. I'm very strong minded and that means my ED is too so you have to fight even harder. I know that you can do this if you put your mind to it. It's scary to do it but you know that you have to do it now or it will be too late and you'll be sent IP. They probably won't listen to you when you say that it's work related and wait another couple of weeks because the professionals can't afford to let you waste away for another couple of weeks when your health is seriously at risk. You have to take action now..and I'm afraid that your health comes before work. So even if it means stopping work...you need to do this hun.
xxxxx
heya hun!
ReplyDeleteso, i am so sorry to hear this, really i am. i am in the same boat at the moment. There is no reason to feel bad about writing how u feel this is your blog. you say what u want. you know what u need to do, go for it if u can. Its ed that wants u to exercise, dont listen to it if u dont want to and i know u dont want to. You know dont want ip, so do waht u can to avoid it, and ur strong so go for it!! like another poster said, your health comes first. put it first, without health you cant don anything else, thats the truth. come on, lets pull together and do this. we can do this! keep in touch, fi
xxxx
I'm really sorry that your feeling like this - I wanna come and give you a big hug! I went though exactly the same thing, but hospital really shocked me into cutting down on the exercise.
ReplyDeleteYou need to just stop and write down what you feel - the first thing that comes to your mind about your ED. When you go on Thursday I reckon he will shock you with IP even more giving you that boost. You really don't want to spend your summer in there - you wont be allowed outside in the sun (no tan!) and you will have all your rights taken away, plus followed to the bathroom!
You can exercise and diet (within reason) all you want when you are back to being healthy. Plus doing exercise now will only exaggerate how thin you are by building muscle surrounded by no fat. You want to tone yourself up with a little fat on your arms and legs as that is defintely the most atractive look!
Stay strong xxxxxxxxxxxxxx