Sometimes i wonder why i let my ED have such a hold over my actions....
for example:
Why do i think his 'rules' make sense when clearly they are completely out of whack?
Why do i follow his instructions even tho i know they are bad for me?
Why cant i find the strength to just say NO?
Ive had a frustrating week, full of struggles and contradictions... I find myself continually falling back into my old routines even tho im trying to form new ones. Its like my head just keeps forgetting that im trying to GAIN now and reverts back to old habits, not having a proper lunch and feeling like i need to restrict if ive had a big dinner or had something high cal. Argh, its so annoying, why cant i just do what i need to do. Why is my brain rebelling against my common sense?!?
Needless to say, i wasnt feeling all that positive going into my therapy appt this afternoon... I dont really have a perception of where my weight is until i step on those scales. In a way im envious of those people who can tell if theyre weight has fluctuated up or down or they can tell if they;ve gained a lb. i dont have a clue! which is good, cos it takes the pressure of me worrying about it, but it makes it very hard when i know im going to be weighed....
I lost.
Im so ashamed, cos i know its my fault. Im not going to say oh, my metabolism is speeding up cos of all the food im eating. Its not. Cos im not.
Yes, i have managed to push forward with my lunches, i actually enjoy getting a sandwich now and the increase of energy has been a nice change too :-p
but when i dont have set lunchtimes, i find it too easy to skip. Yesterday i was at sports day, which finished at 1pm, so instead of going into town to get my lunch as i would normally and then head back to school for my afternoon lessons, i went home and only had a snack. BAD.
Then there's the exercise... not that its waaay over the top, i dont pound it out on a treadmill or work up a sweat in a gym, but regardless of physical exertion, walking is still cardio and cardio still = burnt calories. I spoke to my T about this and how i wasnt sure what a healthy amount of exercise was, cos i do find that walking is a good way for me to unwind and feel better about things, its very cathartic and also helps me to feel less detached from my body. However, my feelings towards it are very muddled. Even tho i walk for pleasure, there is still that little part of me that is secretly pleased that i am burning calories and that is the part im worried about.
Should i bite the bullet and go cold turkey??
Or is it possible to limit myself without getting too compulsive?
I know that ED's make people very compulsive about exercise and i do find myself feeling anxious if i dont get some kindof activity in my day, but then again i dont want to give up the time that is purely mine, when i get the chance to get outside and feel carefree. My T said that the recommended average is 20 mins 3x a week. which i thought sounded very little? what are your thoughts on what makes for a healthy average? I think if i do 3omins or so a day, 5 days a week walking to work and back is that ok? I really need some advice from fellow recoverers....
Even tho i know that if i had been sent to IP, i would be on virtual bedrest with a possible spin on my wheelchair if im lucky, but that just seems so extreme. Does anyone have any experience of IP and what it entailed... my T said that if i dont manage to get my weight back up, he will have to reconsider hospital again, possibly a short term IP stay over the summer, so as not to jeopadise my job. I dont think this is necessary as i genuinly WANT to recover, but if i continue to struggle with my gaining, i may not have a choice :-(
I wish i were free of these horrible ED feelings, it seems like any positive i have always comes back to a negative eventually... i cant seem to get into the right mindset, i know this is serious and im dangerously underweight, but part of me still thinks im not THAT bad, cos physically i feel ok. Just because i feel fine tho, doesnt mean i couldnt just drop down with a heart attack at any given point, its not uncommon and it DOES happen... so why arent i more scared???
Id give anything to be free of this, i just feel like clearly im not as strong a person as i thought i was. Why cant i be more like the other recoverers out there, who push themselves and face up to the challenge?
Whats wrong with me??
Aww lovely..you can't let these habits creep back because before you know it you will be sent to a hospital and you will look back and TOTALLY regret what you're doing right now because you KNOW what you should be doing and it is just about doing it now which is easier said than done but that's why recovery is so hard. You really have to push yourself now and I'm here for you..You may not feel weak but like I told you before, I didn't before until that day when I felt like I was going to die. It can happen just like that.
ReplyDeleteI really do think that for your weight even 3 x 20 minute walks a week is generous. I know this seems really extreme to you but I can promise you, it is better than being in a wheelchair which will happen if you don't do something about what you're doing right now. I know I might be sounding like the harsh nicky again which your ED won't like but it's only because I care and I have been through what you're going through and I regretted my actions so so much when I was sent IP. I had that chance to do something and to make recovery work for me by myself, eating what I wanted and living a more normal life even if it was restricted with exercise etc but it would have been better than being IP where you can't do anything. It feels like torture. You get no choices with food etc and you are told what to do all the time and it's like being treated like a little child. You have to take this chance NOW and make this work for YOU. You know what you should be doing deep down I know you do.
There is no limit to how much you eat right now. That's what I keep telling myself. You have to gain no matter what. You're not on a diet of X calories. You can have as much as you can to gain because it doesn't matter how much you gain right now because in the end, you're miles off a normal weight and it's impossible to put on loads all at once anyway.
Your health right now is more important than work I can promise you. You have to set out a plan for your meals each day and make sure you stick to that plan, no matter what time it is and what you're doing. I really desperately want you to be able to carry on at home because IP is horrible and you can't live a normal life and you don't deserve that when you are trying..you just need to try a little harder, just a little push...
xxx
hate to hear that you are really struggling.
ReplyDeletei was inpatient for a couple of months and although it didn't help me very much, i think it was definitely worth it. it depends really. IP works different for everybody. some people LIKE it because the control is taken away from them, they don't feel guilty about eating (or at least AS guilty), because they have no choice, it is up to them. i didn't enjoy it at all. i found the groups to be really a waste of time. i didn't learn anything in them that i didn't already know. some people though, did find them really helpful and specific groups have been the most important thing in aiding their recovery. i know if it wasn't for inpatient care, i never would be where i am now. i'd probably be dead. as harsh as sounds, and as heartbreaking as it is to admit it, going into hospital was the best thing for me. i actually began to ENJOY food for the first time andlooked forwardd to meals. it does mean being away from family and friends though which was the toughest part. it was horrendous being away from my mum and brothers and i cried myself to sleep every night. you need to weigh up the pros and cons of what you want and where you see yourself.
i think you need to hve a serious discussion with it with somebody you feel you can open up to and someone who cares for you, and you care for very much. although it is easier in inpatient (for me) to eat and not feel so bad, i wish i'd had the strength to even CONSIDER getting better and getting my weight up at home. you will have so much freedom over your meals and come up with healthy and nutritious meals that will not only help you to gain the much needed weight but also nourish your body and help your organs work the way they should. often in hospital the food does not care for the health of your body but simply for the weight gain. i ceratainly feel this was the case at the place i was. you need to also consider that, and weigh up the options; whether or not you want to have freedom to control when and what you eat, as well as making sure you gain.
i think you need to listen to YOURSELF. there will be two parts of your brain. one telling you YES inpatient is the best option. it's the only way forward and you can't do it on your own. you need the additional support and teh constant care. and then i assume there is the part that says NO. you dont need hospital. you donn't need to gain. you can go on how you are forever. you must NOT listen to this.
think of yourself as thoguh you are a close relative, or a close friend. would you starve them? would you punish their body? would you leave them out in the wide world struggling along and not fully living their lives? apply this to you, and hopefully it will open your eyes,even a tiny little bit.
i wish you all the luck in your decisions regarding IP and if you ever need any advice or have questions about what it is like being an IP, please don't hesitate to ask me :)
lots of love xxxxx
HUGGGSSS
ReplyDeleteWanting to restrict is like a really strong habit that you've got into and you automatically think it's the right thing to do... that's why you have to be forever alert and at every meal time be ready to challenge those thoughts and eat anyway.
I'm not trying to sound harsh b
ut there should be no way in hell that you just skip a meal out. You need to get into a habit of your new eating routine so that eventually your automatic response will be 'it's 1 o'clock it's lunch time', rather than 'oh I didn't find time for lunch I just wont bother.' It might sound extremely regimented but atm food has to be made your priority... and if you were in IP it definitely would be.
I'm not trying to criticize cos it's the nature of the disease to find excuses not to eat, and we've all been in the same situation :)
Keep fighting!
Lots of love my dear
xxx
Keep getting healthy and strong!
ReplyDeleteMaggie
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