What a day...
in fact, oh what a couple of days.
Well my lovely blogger friends, the time has come for me to stop kidding myself and step up to my responsibilties. i have been issued the ultimate ultimatum.....
Gain weight, or be hospitalised.
Im a bit embarrassed to have let this get this far. I mean, i acknowledged my need for help, i admitted i had a problem, but yet... i didnt actually do anything about it. Till now!
So it all kicked off yesterday, i had a follow-up appointment with the specialist lady who's overseeing my situation. I hadnt seen her for 2weeks and as i posted at the time, it kindof felt abit like she didnt take my case seriously. Well, boy was i wrong! Id already been to the doctors for my weekly weigh-in with my lovely nurse anne (who is so kind but maybe abit too kind y'know) She's a diamond and always makes me feel better, but she doesnt really push me to gain, but then again, thats not her job, she's only there to oversee the number on the scales (which by the way, are RUBBISH!! they're those big old fasioned clunky ones that never say the right weight... not very helpful!)
Anyway, so the number on the clunky scales was a little lower than last week, but not much and its so hard to tell on those scales. i was abit bummed, but not especially worried, anne made me feel ok about it. "it was a hot day and i was wearing less clothes than the week before, so maybe it was that..." "yes love, im sure it was that..." and off i went to the next appointment, with the specialist lady....
Now first up, she asked me how id got on the past two weeks and i said id been super busy and that i didnt think id have gained much. she jumped right on it... and out come the scales (she has these high-tech supercharged accurate to the tiniest degree type scales, no room for any rough estimations there!) so i get on, prepared for a little drop. but its not a little drop. its almost 2kg's. its quite a big drop.
Oh Sh*t.
So she was NOT happy at all, if i dont gain by the time i see her next week... im up for admission to hospital. what?!?!?! how did this happen to me!?!? im stupid, i knew it could happen, but i just didnt think it would happen to me. well, hello reality check.... it can and it will. if i dont sort myself out.
So today im all for the eating more thing, but damn its hard!! im trying to add abit more to each of my meals, so its not too scary. But my big fear is eating during the day, i always have a proper brekkie and a good dinner, but im never that hungry midday and im usually running around at school... so that will be a challenge for me. definitley.
Does anyone else have a fear "time of day"?
Is there a particular time when you dont feel comfortable eating as much?
I may not be hungry, but thats not a good enough excuse anymore. i need to eat whether im hungry or not... i probably AM hungry, but my body is so used to ignoring hunger signs that it doesnt register them anymore.
Challenge: i made myself go into M&S and pick out whatever i fancied. scary! espesh with all the people bustling about trying to get there sandwiches and pushing past to get their place in the queue, its madness in there!
But... i did it! i didnt go crazy, got me a classic ham sammie... but it had MAYO!!!!
It was pretty good actually, i dont know why ive held off lunch for so long, cos i had extra energy after that which was very useful, because after that i got another call from the docs. "its urgent that you come in for an appointment today, we've had a call from your specialist lady regarding your low BMI....."
arghhh, not AGAIN!!!
Off i went to the docs, where i get my vitals checked, heart, lungs, blood pressure etc and then told again that i was at admission level and if i didnt gain weight, hospital would be calling.
Yeah, i think i get the message now. Loud And Clear...
So now im home, after what has been a very eye-opening 2days. Im a mixture of bundled up emotions right now. im scared, im relieved im nervous. what if i dont gain? what will happen to me? no. that wont happen. i WILL gain. i MUST gain! So here goes my week of gainage. i really want to show that i can do this. but sensibly. i dont want to go and gorge on 5 pizzas cos that'll only make me feel sick and probably make me want to restrict because of it. But that doesnt mean i can slack off. im not going to let my ED convince me on the little by little approach. it doesnt work and it doesnt help me! i need to get my OWN opinion back. ED's niggling voice has had control for too long. back off mister, its my turn now....
I dont doubt that this week is gonna be hard work, i will try and keep you posted on how im getting on :-)
Ive gotta say tho, if it wasnt for you wonderful bloggers i doubt i would have had the courage to do this. You've all helped me so much getting this far, and i thank you for that! But now i need to take the next step into physical recovery and i could really use your support right now....
Any tips or motivation would be greatly appreciated!!!
On a happier note, its gonna be scorchio this weekend!!! Im gutted that i didnt get tickets to radio 1's big weekend, cos it looks like its gonna be a real good'un. but at least i can console myself by sitting in my garden and enjoying the sun :-) well, for tomo at least... then ill have to drag my sorry ass up to a humid sticky london for work on sunday... BOO!
What is everyone else planning for the sun? any potential BBQ'ers out there?!?!
Have a lovely weekend whatever you do!
xxx
Hey Clemmy,
ReplyDeleteI haven't commented before but I've been reading your blog for some time now because it's so amazing with your honesty and I can totally relate to everything you say :)
I guess I could say that I'm in the almost exactly same situation as you!! So much so that I got on these horrible clunky scales with a lovely nurse who just oversees my weight and makes me feel better about it too haha! So I feel like I need to do something about it right now and stuff my face but I know that I won't let myself quite do that but I know I need to increase my meals and stuff which is going to be sooo hard! You did amazing to go to M&S and get a ham sandwich with mayo...I look at their sandwiches and wraps and long to get one..they look so yummy...
I totally agree with you about struggling during the day and that is where my challenge is too. I never feel hungry enough when I'm so busy at college or even if I'm just shopping at the weekend. I manage a normal brekkie but my favourite meal where I eat the most is dinner and my night time snack when I know the day is over and I feel more relaxed and hungry to eat more and enjoy it!
I was wondering if you had a meal plan and if..I don't know..you could maybe send me it so I can get an idea for the sorts of things I could be having too and I could give you some advice and you could give me some? I just feel at a loss as what I should be having and I always want to talk to other people recovering but everyone I know seems to shy away from talking about what they eat. My email is starsandpinkness@hotmail.co.uk if you're interested :)
Oh my gosh I know, the weather is absolutely amazingg for this weekend and I wish I'd got tickets to radio 1s big weekend too!! I think I'll enjoy the sun too in my garden :) I might be brave enough to ask my family to do a BBQ too with my new determination to challenge myself to get myself out of this sticky situation!
Looking forward to reading more of your blog
Nicky
I want to go to radio 1's big weekend too! It's on tv tonight (BB3), but it's just no the same :(
ReplyDeleteI know you can do - I've been in this very stivky situation before and thought that I was a definite set for hospital, but I pulled it around. You just have to be strong and look to the future of spending summer at home!
xxxx
WOW! I guess that's gotta be a reality check loud and clear of the situation you're in. I know how hard it is to actually believe that it is happening to you, cos the ed part always trys to convince you it's not nearly as bad as everyone is making out, and they're making a fuss about nothing. But believe me, doctors won't generally bother making a fuss unless it's necessary!
ReplyDeleteWell done on the sarnie! you gotta try the chicken salad one next - it's my fave!!
I do find it hard to eat enough during the day, especially if I'm around other people, cos I always wonder what they're thinking. But I'm trying to find more calorie dense options instead of going for the 'lightest' version of everything so that I don't have to eat as much volume. Stuff like flapack, raisins, and higher calorie but smallish cereal bars are good (check out Elevenses bars, they are YUMMERS!)
Good luck this week (well not just THIS week, but especially this week!) I know you can up the anti and up the intake. Whenever you get worried you're eating too much, think about not only have you gotta eat enough to stop losing really rapidly like you are but enough to maintain and then on top of that enough to actually gain! - that's a fair few calories, so tell ED to take a hike!
Enjoy the sunshine - it's amaze!!
Stay strong, you can do this
xxxx
You can do it hun!!! trust me, it is NO fun to be hospitalized. In fact, it is complete hell, or at least it was for me. You may not feel like you are hungry, but as you said before, I am sure that you are. It took a reallly long time for my hunger signals to come back too. When you are weight restoring I was told not to go by my hunger signals and just eat what was on my meal plan. You will enjoy your summer so much more ED free. Stay strong xoxo!
ReplyDelete