always closely followed by some bad....

yup, thought it was too good to be true!! 

why does something good always have to be followed up by something bad?? is it just karma keeping you on your toes or what?!?

WHAT a weekend!!

Basically another run-in with my sister and her ever-increasing anger issues. This time it was a biggie with mum involved too, lots of screaming (mainly from her...) crying (mum...) and a whole lot of confusion (me!)

I think my sister has lost her mind.... she has got so bad that it is impossible to even be civil towards her without facing an unprovoked attack. She has alot of rage and unhappiness inside of her and she has to take it out on someone (either me or my mum... but more often than not at the moment, its directed at me)

I think the main reason, is that she is jealous of the time i spend with mum cos we live together, but that doesnt mean we see each other that much (we both work full-time!) however, she is convinced that we sit around having nice mother daughter bonding moments and b*tching about her. ridiculous! yes, she comes up in conversation (mainly because half the time she's on the phone screaming at my poor mother...) but there really are bigger and more important things in the world to talk about than her! Still, this paranoia bubbles inside her and whenever anything goes against her plans, she blames me for 'making it happen'. its not something new and im sad to say, its something ive actually gotten used to these days. But lately i have realised that it is affecting me alot more than i previously thought... her increasingly aggressive behaviour is starting to hinder my recovery. Everytime im around her (every weekend, when im in london for work) i feel anxious and struggle with my food. She constantly picks on what i eat and passes nasty comments about my appearance. i KNOW this is all to do with her not being able to deal with seeing me at this weight and the fact that by leaving her therapy unfinished, she never fully recovered from her own ED. but its like taking two steps forward, one slip back... during the week i do alot better, going to therapy, aiming to make my targets for weigh-ins etc... then at weekends i slip back a step. its sooo frustrating.

ARGHH!!

Im gonna firstly say, thankyou for your msg's... you'll be glad to know that i managed to kick ED's ass at the dinner outing on sat night. it was damn hard, but i think i did good....!

The talented David Shrigley, cartoon artist extraodinaire!

I was caught off guard, when mum told me that it wasnt just the 3 of us, but about 5 other people, mostly family friends... this freaked me out, cos i knew they'd be looking at me and thinking about how thin i look. But i told myself to stop being silly and just enjoy the extra company (and the fact that my sis wouldnt be able to act up in front of them!)

Ive been to the restaurant before and its all fresh good italian food, so i was trying not to worry about what i would be eating and just enjoy the taste of good hearty food, but it was really hard not to go for a 'safe' option. as it happens, i couldnt go for my usual choice cos it wasnt there! ended up having mussels in garlic sauce for starters (yum! i forgot how much i love mussels, and the sauce was delish... alomst like a soup in itself!) then i had this cod main dish, which i thought would be quite simple but actually came in a creamy sauce that i was abit worried about, but again, i told myself that this is normal food. Plus someone else on our table had  ordered it, so i thought: "if they can do it, so can i...!" So it was a food challenge, but also a mental one, since the people meeting us were late, we didnt end up eating until really late which ED did not like AT ALL! i dont usually eat that late, cos i like to fit in a pudding and a night time snack, but i told myself that normal people go out for meals and eat late and its not a big deal... but i definitly had to hold myself back to stop myself from getting upset. but i managed! (main motivation was thinking of the other peoples reactions if i suddenly burst into tears... i wasnt gonna let THAT happen!) 

Anyway, this whole weekend has got me to thinking: what is normal??

i mean, the situation with my family is clearly not normal, neither is my irrational fears of eating late or eating sauces etc.... 

If i want to get back to some kindof normality, im going to have to seriously think about what it is thats holding me back. Im going to have a little ponder tonight and hopefully, tomo ill have something for you!

Oh, and i never got to see sex and the city 2 :-( 

So gutted. Our journey upto london was blighted by traffic jams, roadworks and accidents so we missed our film. BOOO! plus we lost our pre-booked tickets and theres no refunds, how unfair?! im gonna try and go see it this week tho, gotta fill the half term break somehow! im thinking its best to hold out till later in the week, when the queues will have died down and all the kids have seen it...  something tells me i do NOT wanna sit thru a film with 30 of my pupils sitting in the back row throwing popcorn!

Hope you're all enjoying the bank holiday!

xxx