exhaustion

Ok, so i know its been a crazy busy week... 

...but honestly, today i am WHACKED. 

Like seriously, its a "cant keep my body upright - slump on my bed - it hurts to have my eyes open" kinda whacked... and its been building up all week :-(

Now a normal person would see the fact that they were tired and their body needed rest and ease up on things, right? Well enter ANOREXIA. the little demon of a disease that doesnt believe in rest and recuperation. Oh no, it doesnt accept that we are only flesh and bone - not some freaking robot and therefore we NEED to slow down when our bodies ask for it. It makes us feel GUILTY for taking time out... it tells us thats what lazy people do and makes us feel somehow weak and useless if we stop for a minute and have a sit down.

Well i think i need to have a sit down :p

Ive been wanting to cutback on the exercise i do for a while now, im sure you're all familiar with my ranty rambles about this!!! Its something that bugs me incessantly, cos i want to gain weight, but i dont want to give up my walking and feel unhealthy. But the two are interlinked and i cannot gain weight and be healthy until i release the control i have on my activity levels and accept that it is not normal OR healthy to push my body beyond my means.

Well this week has got me listening to my body abit more. I cant say that i have listened and then STOPPED. but i have just quietly taken note of each time it has hurt to walk up the 3 flights of stairs to my classroom, each time my legs have ached when ive been walking about too fast and each time ive had to physically drag myself out of bed in the mornings... They all add up. And its slowly making me see that maybe i DO do too much.

My warped perception has always found it hard to accept that just walking and stretching could be too much. But then ive always neglected to factor in my low weight and additional health issues. I see myself as a healthy person who should be able to walk and run and skip and jump....

but im not, am I.

im sick: im underweight: im food&exercise obsessed and im unhealthy.

So until i can fix this malfunction in my head and give my body the care and respect it is now screaming out for, i will not be able to be healthy. I will never be healthy. I need to see myself as i AM, not as i was in the past or as i want to be in the future... I will be able to do those things again, but right now my malnourished body cant cope. It hasnt got enough reserves to do these things - and thats all because of ME :-s Im the only one that can fix me now....

I think this lack of internal vision is what always stops me, cos i dont feel like i need to slow down. i like to be busy, i like to have things to do. But thats not gonna get me the results i want. Plus its just avoiding the bigger issue of WHY i cant i sit and relax. I need to focus on my body right now, i need to tackle this anxiety around empty time and find peace with resting. cos clearly, my body needs it...

So im not thinking its gonna be easy by any stretch of the imagination! I was feeling like shit today and i STILL walked home. And cos i had cover and didnt do my normal walk, i walked more on the way home... why?? god knows. cos i was feeling tired and sluggish and each step was an effort, but it wasnt raining and i was enjoying being outside so i carried on. My trouble is that i really dont know when enough is enough... i will carry on regardless and its for this reason that i dont know if i will ever be able to quit cold turkey, but im starting to accept that i AM active in everyday life and maybe, just maybe... i dont NEED to do all the additional bits and bobs that i feel compelled to do. Im probably one of the only people who does ALL of those "little add-ins that you wont even notice" exercises that they advertise in magazines... sure i dont go to the GYM, but holy crap i do all the "hidden" extras!

So first step is to ease up on the extra walking. i shud really only walk when i need to or when its a nice day and i need some fresh air (i must regulate this... take a minute first to see whether its me or the ED that wants to go out) and i must dramatically cut back on speed and distance. Since I already do alot of standing and moving about at work and that takes up most of my day, i really shouldnt be putting the added pressure on my legs and feet (and heart?!) I also find that once i start, i find it very hard to stop. I dont want to take a short stroll, i want to WALK.

Anyways, i wont go on much more... i just wanted to update from my last post and share where im at now (lying on my bed having just napped for an hour! haha) I really should listen to those forum posts that talk about extreme exhaustion and how in recovery it is normal for your body to feel like its been hit by a bus. But sadly i know that i havent allowed it to get to that stage, the stage where you feel shitty cos your body is starting to repair itself... nope, im just feeling shit cos i keep pushing it when its already to tired to carry on. boooooo :-(

Now or never guys, im not a machine and eventually... if i continue to fight against my bodies needs, i WILL have consequences. nasty ones. and even tho i may feel like im invincible... im not. and i WILL crumble and break. and thats no fun, is it??!!

eventually the cracks will show

I will try to post again this weekend to fill u in on my actual week (shizzle has gone down!) but right now, i have to call my daddio who is in hospital and think about "life" stuff! i saw the boy yest and it just got me thinking about how much of my life im pissing away by choosing anorexia instead of life. Urhh, its a bumhole. But yeah, another rant for another day!!!

Happy firday y'all and believe me, im having one HELL of a lie-in tomo morning!! After that, i have a nice afternoon planned with my girls, chilling out and watching dvd's round M's house. as fellow teachers, they know how precious the weekends are, and we're all shattered... so i can predict a full-on slob out sesh.... i cant wait :-p

new shirt, new hair...

Speak Soon Moon!

:-)