exercise (again)

Sorry guys. i know its boring, but there's a bit of a rant coming here... if you dont want to read a load of word-vomit, then come back for the next chipper post. cos right now, i need to vent... 

cos once again, im stuck and i really just CANT get my head straight on this one....

I know that i should be eating more, im trying. its hard - yes, i still find it harder to eat during the day, feeling more able to get stuff in at night when im relaxed and not going anywhere... but i am trying. im allowing myself to have what i fancy, instead of choosing the "lower" cal option when i want something else and in the evening, i will push myself to take an extra cookie after my night-time snack, even tho its just before bed and ive already had a big snack etc... im glad that on the whole, im not feeling too bad about this. its not easy, by any stretch of the imagination... but the more i do it, the easier it becomes.

But the one thing i STILL struggle with, day in - day out. without a doubt....

...is the exercise thing.

Urgh, i hate it. i hate that it bugs me so much. i hate that i cant say no. i hate that i both love it and hate it simultaneously. Its so freaking hard to know what to do. i need help. someone PLEASE throw me some rope here.... i need advice. i need support. i need to be tied to the sofa! i dunno... but i know i need something. i cant keep beating myself up over this.

Its like i cant let myself rest, or i will be a bad person. i will be lazy and i will get flubbery and my body will collapse and be unhealthy. i cant believe that its ok to sit around and be sedentary... i dont believe that people ARE sedentary and ok. i feel like there must be more to it than that. 

i know ive talked about this before, but i just need some reassurance or something that NOT EVERYONE OUT THERE IS EXERCISING.

i spend hours wondering how people can live their lives and not be dictated by the need to be active in some way. i feel guilty cos i dont eat enough, but then i find it hard to eat more.... i want to allow my body to rest and recover and put on some weight, but im scared that if i stay sedentary it will be the wrong kindof weight, that it will be bad weight and ill look weird and lumpy or something.

I was at open day today and some of the kids were passing round doughnuts, did i have one? hells no. did i have anything? nope. cos i had to get up early and therefore threw out my weekend routine and so i wanted to wait to eat later so i would be "allowed" to have a big dinner. even tho that dinner is probs the same as i would have on a normal day that ive been at work, when i do the same walk to and from work and yet consume snack AND lunch. what the fudgsicle?!?? 

is this relapse?? it cant be 

cos im not even properly recovering

gah, i feel like such a fuck up. im not even capable of relapsing properly, cos im not recovering properly and everything is a big stupid FARCE. i think im trying and i think im getting bigger, but am i making any changes to my lifestyle? big fat NO. i still stress about food, i still stress about exercise. Even tho i go to bed everynight telling myself that i CAN do this and i need to start now.... i still wakeup everyday and fall back into the same routines. granted they are less obsessive now, i dont stretch the same as i did... but i still do some stretches and i still make myself do the harder "plank/sideplank" exercises for my core once a week. even tho really, i dont want to and i dont think it makes much difference.... but im scared that it might... and then it'd be too late. Then theres the walking. yup, i still walk. too much and too fast. people have commented, my mum worries... she says people tell her, hell even today i was chatting to a couple of the kids and THEY commented. i know it must look weird, i know its not normal... but i dont know how to change, i get so worked up about this. cos i know i should try and ease up, so that i can see where my weight goes naturally, but i think that if i dont walk, what WILL i do? ill be unhealthy. but am i healthy now? is this weird body i have at the moment healthy?? i dont think so. i eat too much salad and veg and fruit and i get this horrible gassy bloated stomach and i dont ever let myself have the things that other people have, like takeaways and treats. my treat is a freaking healthy muffin for gods sake and i STILL feel bad about it. I want to stop doing all this walking and see what happens, but when i try to cut back, it doesnt work... cos literally as soon as i start walking, i want to do more, i want to go faster, i want to feel it. 

and i know deep down, that thats not healthy... 

is it.

I dont even know what i want to get from this post. i just find myself so overwhelmed sometimes... i cant allow myself recovery even tho its the one things i want. i dream of waking up and just getting up. not stretching or delaying breakfast or worrying about the fact that i have to walk to work. i want to just get up and breathe in the new day.... i want to be able to stay round my friends house, i want to be able to go away and not stress about this. i know that if i didnt DO any exercise or stretching, then i wouldnt have the pressure of this, but i feel like that would be so unhealthy and id be bad cos i think that everyone else must be doing all this stuff, otherwise they'd be fat. and if theyre not, then they MUST be doing something.... it cant be as simple as they just eat what they want and then stop... and they do the odd bits of walking/moving etc in daily life and then stop instead of trying to get the most distance/burn out of the activity. Im by no means at peace with exercise, but i feel like im a fraud cos i only walk... i dont go running or go to the gym. i dont lift weight, i do a few measly planks. so what do i do???

part of me says, well if its not that much... then STOP. but then part of me says that it must have some contribution and if i stop, then thats bad.

Oh why cant i just have my old head back? i walked through tescos this afternoon (i was trying to pass the time) and i saw groups of uni students browsing about and looking happy and free and i felt SO JEALOUS. thats what i used to be like, i didnt worry about how much exercise id done and whether or not i "deserved" that cake or cookie or takeaway.... i feel like ive got so messed up i wont ever be able to live my life again. 

someone, tell me...

does it really get easier?? can i really get better??

i was looking at the girls' bodies and trying to figure out how they look like that. do they exercise, if so how much, do they eat? if so what and how much?

But then i get angry that i am not able to just make my OWN mind up... 

why cant i just trust myself, instead of always trying to do what other people do... looking to someone else to copy. 

why dont i think i can be ok.... just as me??