GAAAAAH!!!

You know what i really cant stand? i hate feeling like ive messed up when actually its someone elses fault... I make myself feel guilty enough for all the crap in my life, not to mention the lives of those around me, cos i always think things are my fault... like im to blame when things going wrong or when people get angry, cos im broken and faulty and i make things bad.

Its very wallowy and self-pitying to say this and to be honest its more than a bit shallow to think that IM so important that i could be the cause of all wrongs!!! but its this weird guilt-trigger in my brain that responds to things by thinking that im someway responsible... But then i feel like im being self-centred and so i feel bad about THAT too! you know what, i cant even help it sometimes. I can be pretty hard on myself.... 

I bring this up because ive just been on the phone with the mothership. She is in france at the mo, not that id have know if i handed been the one to try and phone her or email her or generally remind her that yes, i may be in America, but i DO STILL EXIST!!! This sounds pathetic, but i just feel like ive been forgotten :-( I mean, i know she's been super busy at home and its been good for me to be away cos i didnt want to be wrapped up in all her crazy goings-on (especially those which include the sis) but sometimes i wonder if she even thinks about her actions (or lack thereof) cos all it takes is a quick email or phone call to let me know where in the world she is, then i can visualise whats going on and i dont feel so disconnected... so out of the loop. But no, its all guesswork and then when i DO get hold of her for a chat and a catch up. she will throw something unprepared into the mix and that makes me stress and panic cos i dont know whats going on (yes, i know.. i sound like a major control freak now) 

Its not that i want to track her every move on GPS or anything... far from it! i like that im all the way over here and i dont have to deal with the inevitable day-to-day dramas back home, but i DO still miss her and therefore is it wrong of me to want to know where she is/what she's doing?!?! cos i dont think so! but then, i start to question myself... and i start to feel like maybe i am wrong and bad and its just me being a burden and hassling her....

Enter: phonecall this morning.

It not even that i wanted to have a go at her, i was all full of chirp and ready to have a nice catch up and hear about her weekend, thinking that she was in one place. but then when she tells me she is somewhere compleletey different (she is meeting up with the people i am housesitting for at our mutual friends villa) which is FINE, but its somewhere that i wasnt expecting her to be till tomorrow... so it threw me. i got panicky cos i like to know whats happening and i didnt think it was too much of an effort for her to tell me what day she was actually going there. (she also gave them the present i asked her to take out there for them, without asking me if id want her to maybe wait until i could speak to them and give it to them myself... which REALLY pissed me off. its my freaking gift to give and now theyll think its from her. dammit! why didnt she just ASK?! oh no, that'd be too hard... she just ploughs ahead and doesnt think of little old me, way away in another continent...!)

Ok ill stop the mumatron-bashing now. cos i actually hate being angry with people, its not my nature to hold grudges. so ANYWAYS i told her that this made me quite upset and stressed about the not being in the loop thing and she starts getting all shouty and ranting on about how she DID tell me and how shes been busy and its not like we dont communicate (which is true, I call and email her all the time! its just a one-way street mostly...) so i say this and how it makes me feel like im making all the effort and she just gets more pissed off with me, cos i sound needy and bitchy and mean but really its just cos i miss her! and i wanna know where she is so that i can feel comforted and happy that she is happy or whatever, i dunno. But since that doesnt happen... I START TO FEEL GUILTY!!!! and when i try to explain that im just trying to express how i feel so that its out there and i wont then go off and wallow in my feelings after we hang up, but she doesnt work like that. she doesnt get it. she takes it personally and then I take it personally and start to think that its me... ive done wrong and im bad and that i screwed everything up and urhhhhhh it just spirals.

So we end the call and i ask if we can try again tomorrow morning, without the crying/shouting/stress etc... here's hoping eh?!

I dont know exactly where this feeling of low self-worth comes from. cos its not that i think im a bad person, so to speak. Like generally, i think im ok! im not ugly, im not stupid, i can be funny when i want to be (or have the energy to be!) and i am a good friend and on the whole a good person....! I dont have low self-esteem, i dnt feel like im a small timid mouse of a person, i voice my opinions loud and clear if i think they need to be head! (seriously, back in the unit we did self-esteem group and they were all waaaay down low on the chart and then there was me, big and bold and unafraid to say what i thought!) but its not about how i feel about me in the world, or me as a person... its always a negativity in terms of my physical selfworth... which dwells way down there in the pits of shoddyness. Its hard to explain... its not in terms of IMAGE, cos i know that im actually lucky enough to be blessed with good genetics and before i got sick i wasnt a scary unpleasant person to look at! but my actual physical self, is another story. i feel like my body is wrong... its broken, messed up and unfixable. I feel like when i got ill, something in me shifted and i dont know if i can ever get it back.. i know i was happy with myself before. i had bags of energy, confidence and happiness. But i cant seem to rememeber how to get back there. I got ill and things changed so fast that i didnt really see myself falling until i couldnt get back up again. Now that person seems so far removed from who i am now, that i dont even know if  i can ever get back there. I know maintining my current weight isnt good enough, but i dont know quite how to go about getting it higher without fear of being unhealthy and getting ill again. i cut back my exercise and i do eat. but its obviously not enough, cos im not gaining... i dont like the idea of being completely sedentary and eating loads of junk, cos i dont really LIKE it. but then i also dont like that its partly a fear that is stopping me. because im scared of being "unhealthy" or damaging my body further (which is silly, cos the damage im doing to it now is far worse than the damage done by sitting on my arse resting and eating a few pizza's!!) so i dunno. i still feel like this idea of "health" rules my recovery. yes i allow myself to eat and to not walk as much. but i cant help but feel like this is "bad" for me....

how do you get past that idea of "health" being the be-all and end-all??

how do you balance what health really means?

I wanted to do a post on my fun day-trip with my friend yesterday (i have pictures!!!) but this just popped up this morning and i needed to get it out there, to word out my frustrations and piece it together in my head... So that will have to wait till tomo. Here's a little clue as to where we went, but the Qn is... can u guess where it is?!?!

any idea? answers please!

In the meantime, please feel free to jump in and throw me your ten cents on this, advice/encouragment/words to the wise? DO IT! ill admit, im still feeling a bit vulnerable and down on myself right now... so i could certainly use a few pick-me-ups. Either that or ill just have to drag myself to a mall and do some cheer-me-up retail therapy!

Ahhh shopping...

 how i love thee

 :-)